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-   -   Booked in for an abortion but still not 100% (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/2653156-booked-for-abortion-but-still-not-100-a.html)

H22 May 24th, 2013 07:38 AM

Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
Hello,

I'm very new to this and don't know if it will help but just want to talk to someone who's perhaps been in the same situation. I am 19 years old and have been travelling for the past year. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago whilst in New Zealand, I have now returned home. I was still living with my partner however prior to me finding out I was pregnant we decided we were going to go our separate ways. He was very scared when I told him I was pregnant and instantly told me he didn't want the baby and that he would be there and love the baby if I chose to keep it but its not what he wants. I decided to return home after telling my parents who are extremely supportive. My ex partner didn't want to support me through the abortion and felt I would be better at home, seems like a cowards way out to me but hey! Anyway yesterday I went to the doctors to get a referral for an abortion, we were given a number to ring to book the abortion. My mum wants to come with me and the only appointment she can make is in 2 weeks so we have booked it for then, I will then be 9 weeks. I am very scared and I am Still not 100% sure it's what I want. One day I know I'm making the right decision and the next I think I'm not. I am feeling guilty for having the abortion because i Know if i kept the baby it would be so loved and would have everything it needs, i just feel im not ready for the responsibility. I'm just looking for some advice really.

Thanks.

Mrs.Julie May 24th, 2013 08:03 AM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
I have been in your spot, only I was 21. He didn't want the baby. I had an appointment but couldnt go. She is now 11, and I wouldn't trade her for anything. She completed me and helped steer my life in the right direction. She is a top notch sister and very very special to me. Now that I'm older I know the value and meaning of a baby, child, more than ever. They are such a gift. I do hope you don't regret it someday. Good luck!

Urchin May 24th, 2013 08:26 AM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
First off, let me just say that I am pro-choice. There are lots of people here who will guilt you in to keeping your child, but I will not do that.

From my perspective, it really sounds like you should keep the baby though. I say this because you seem to be struggling deeply with the choice. What are the reasons for wanting an abortion? Is it because your ex-partner desires that?

You said that you know the baby will be loved and provided for, and I think that is more important than anything when a child is brought into the world.

Again, this is just my perspective from what you posted. Only you know your situation best.

I hope that with whatever decision you make, you can be at peace and supported.

..oh! And if you do decide to keep you child, feel free to join the Due Date clubs here! You'll learn so much and have ladies to go tthrough your pregnancy with!

mamatomany May 24th, 2013 12:37 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
I have to say that there is never really a moment where you can truly say you are 'ready' to become a parent and take on that responsibility. The most important thing your son or daughter needs is love, and you sound like you are ready to give that. Not only that, but you have supportive parents, and the baby will be adored and not want for anything. I agree with the other poster -- if you're main reason for booking the abortion was the strong negative reaction of your ex, you should definitely not go through with it. Letting someone else make the decision for you or pressure you to choose abortion can leave you with years of guilt and regret. If you are not absolutely sure you want an abortion, it's not the right choice for you.

You sound like you're in a great position to mother this little one -- you have a stable environment, a great support network, and you've just finished a fun travel fling. Of course it's initially scary, but I think you're going to be super excited and happy once it sinks in a little more. Join a due date club on JM, it's a great resource and adds to the fun!

lily26 May 24th, 2013 12:41 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
If you're already feeling guilty.. I would say don't do it. However, its your own personal choice. I am glad you have time to think about it, I would suggest to list your pros and cons and then have a hard look over the list.

I am pro choice myself, I actually have a few people trying to push me into abortion because they feel i would be an unfit mother *my partner and I disagree*. I personally know that I emotionally can't come back from an abortion, and I know that I have all the love in the world to give.
Please also think about your emotional well being.

I am happy your mother is supportive either way. Thats fantastic!
Either way make sure its the best solution for you! sorry I wish my advice was better...

H22 May 24th, 2013 02:36 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
Thank you so much for all your replies I can't stress to you how much it has helped me think about things. In relation to the questions about why I want the abortion I think your right and the main reason was because I felt guilty on my ex partner as I know how much he doesn't want to come home from travelling and he would tell me that he'd resent me if I kept the baby and whilst I was living with him that seemed like the worst thing in the world. Whereas now I am home I feel like actually this baby is more important that what you think of me, it takes two too tango as they say and it's half his responsibility as it is mine, if he chooses to be there for the baby is his decision. I think I am also a little bit scared of admiting to my parents that I want to keep the baby as supportive as they are I feel guilty and as though I'd be a disappointment which in actual fact I know would not be the case because my mother has said to me she just wants to do whatever is best for me.

Again thank you so much for your responses it's certainly given me a lot to think about.

girlsofsummer May 25th, 2013 09:07 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
It is wonderful that your mother has said she wants what is best for you. That is huge.

I'm not trying to turn this into an argument, BUT saying that "all a child needs is love" is flowery BS. A child needs a safe, stable environment and a parent(s) who can provide for them.

That said, having the means to raise a child, a desire to raise a child, and a support system to do so, is going to result in the most successful parenting situation. And it sounds like you are thinking clearly about this and have the necessary ingredients.

moxiemommie May 27th, 2013 01:59 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
I have also been in your situation, I found out I was pregnant on my 20th birthday. I ended up having an abortion and it was awful. I had the pill abortion. I still grieve and its been 4 yrs. I feel so guilty about it, I also saw it and It has just scarred me, honestly. You need to do whats right for YOU. But in my opinion, I would have rather given the baby up for adoption- honestly. I know for me that would have been a much better option for myself. Its a huge responsibility having kids, so just think things over and weigh all your options, dont feel pressured and do what is right for you. No matter what you choose, make sure you take advantage of ur support system and talk to them, allow them to comfort and be there for you. Good luck sweetie!

Tamra_Marie May 27th, 2013 04:00 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
I'm so sorry you're facing such a tough decision. Don't let your ex-boyfriend make you feel guilty, because you are completely right; it takes two to tango.

I'm not saying if I think either is the better option, it really depends on you: How will you cope with an abortion? What unfinished business will you have if you keep the pregnancy?

H22 May 27th, 2013 04:16 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
I think the whole process of the abortion is what's bothering me the most as I will be nearly 9 weeks when I go for my appointment and I'm scared I will be too late for the pill and here in the uk (don't know if it's the same everywhere) after 9 weeks we have to have a suction termination which I really don't like the thought of. It doesn't go against my values as I am pro choice but it's just the process that I don't know whether I can deal with.

My mother is supportive however she's made it quite clear that she doesn't want me to keep the baby as she thinks it's not the right decision but says she'll support me either way. I feel like I don't really have a choice and that I have to have the anortion because I feel guilty on my parents and my ex partner as its the way they are making me feel. She has told me I need to make a decision quick As its not fair on her and I'm scared I will have the abortion and resent her for it as we currently have a good relationship. Everyone just keeps telling to think of the pros and cons and I have to be honest there is more cons but I just don't know why I feel like I'm not strong enough to have the abortion and that i wont be able to deal with the sense of loss and resentment towards people that i care about.

It's such a horrible position and i really feel stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Tamra_Marie May 27th, 2013 05:39 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
It's not really about how your mom, dad, or ex-boyfriend feel about it. This is about you and your potential baby. So put everyone else's feelings aside and do some soul searching. In a perfect world what would the ideal outcome be from this situation? Do you imagine yourself with or without child? What do YOU want?

mamatomany May 27th, 2013 06:58 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
Please, please don't let guilt over other people's feelings about you having a baby make you feel pressured to abort. As for your mother, you know she will support you, and we all know she's going to be head over heels for that baby when it gets here, and probably well before that. Your ex's feelings aren't really important right now. If he doesn't want to man up and take responsibility that's his problem. Don't let it make up your mind for you.

I think your concerns about an abortion leaving you emotionally damaged or causing problems in your relationship with your mother are valid. You know the most about yourself, your situation, and your family. But please don't let anyone emotionally manipulate you into a decision you don't feel right about.

As for the list of pros and cons, I think this is a very difficult thing to do. What are your cons? Babies take time, money, and add responsibility. They often disrupt plans. For some of us, they come when we don't expect. For others they don't come when they want them. But these are true no matter when in life you have a baby. And the pros? It's hard to put a value on 'mothering this baby', it's even harder to quantify the joy that comes from that. If you want to mother this baby, don't let people make the cons seem more important than that.

In the end, it's really just a question of your story. Choosing an abortion because the baby's father and your parents are making you feel guilty and like you have no choice is letting them take control of a decision that you will bear the consequences of.

MerinSun May 27th, 2013 07:44 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
Quote:

Everyone just keeps telling to think of the pros and cons and I have to be honest there is more cons but I just don't know why I feel like I'm not strong enough to have the abortion and that i wont be able to deal with the sense of loss and resentment towards people that i care about.
Pros and cons lists are complete crap. People like to tally the columns and let a number be the deciding factor. The truth is, you can have one or two very strong points in either column that are worth (to you) more than all the rest combined. I agree with the other ladies in you taking time, clear your head space, and think only about YOU. You will find the strength to stand up to any criticism you expect to receive.

JaeSung May 27th, 2013 07:46 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
I agree with things said here. I had an abortion once because he wanted me to. Gave me all these reasons why it was for the best. Didn't care one bit about my feelings. He only asked how I felt and what I wanted cause I brought it up to him, didn't he want to know how I felt.

I went through with it. Biggest mistake. Took me a long time to get past it. Notice I don't say I got over it. I don't believe that's possible. Ever.

My advice is do what feels right, for you.

Don't worry about what others think, or say to you.
You're the one who has to live with and deal with the consequences.

ElliotsMommy13 May 27th, 2013 09:51 PM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
I just want to say it is going to be a tough decision both ways. I say ultimately... do whatever lets you sleep at night and dont worry about anyone else. If you feel deep down that abortion will relieve the burden and make you feel like you can move past it alright then you will know it is best. I do get the impression that you dont have your mind made up yet and might always have those "what if" thoughts, though. If you are not certain, just know nothing is set in stone until you finally do it. You do have time to think on it. If you do go through with it, yes you will struggle some.. but life does go on.

I honestly cried when I found out I was pregnant for a full day and told my mom. She was very supportive. I am doing it alone. Here I am now 30+ weeks and expecting my baby boy. I now have all I need for him to be set up and more after lots of hard work. I feel like I can breathe for now and my family is very excited. People around you will adapt and if your ex doesn't want to be there, you won't be the only one going through it alone. It is possible.. not always easy.. but possible. I also agree on joining a due date club if you do keep the baby. They are great and fully accepting of single moms. :) I love my group of ladies. They are a support group/family here.

bevyvuska May 28th, 2013 01:37 AM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
You do need to do what's best for you. It sounds like you really don't want an abortion. If that's the case, DO NOT go through with it.
Choice is just that, choice. There is the option of adoption & there are different types of those that may be best for your particular situation. Ultimately it's you that has to live with whatever decision you make. So don't let anyone elses feelings, opinion weigh heavily on this decision. Not an easy thing for sure. Good luck.

ladyluck87 May 28th, 2013 06:45 AM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
I was 20 when I found out I was pregnant with my first son. My older sis tried convincing me to have an abortion - even though I was engaged, living on my own, and stable! I hate to admit it - but I actually did consider it. Only for a millisecond, because I knew deep down that was not an option for me. You are young, yes, but you have the energy to be a great mother. A baby does not mean an end to your life, in fact it makes your life more worthwhile. Being a mother has given me the greatest joy I could ever experience (corny, but true). I have traveled all over the world, and I would still rather be home with my babies. If you know you have the support, stability, and the means to have this child NO ONE can tell you what's the right decision for you! I don't want to come off as pro life, because I am pro choice. But abortion is something you should do if you know 100% it is what you want. You know your answer and what you want in your gut and in your heart.

No one else is going through an abortion, pregnancy, or motherhood. It will be YOU. And only you know what is right for you. I wish you lots of strength, and like the other ladies have said, this board is superb for support. You will ALWAYS have someone to talk to.

H22 May 28th, 2013 07:01 AM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
Thank you all your responses have helped. I have now told my ex partner and mother and father that I want to keep the baby as I feel this baby is apart of me and if I have the abortion I feel the feeling of loss will be too much for me to deal with. My father has lashed out a little bit and said that they will be supportive and put a roof over my head for a bit but I'm ruining there future plans and they don't want a child running around so once it gets to about 1-2 ill need to move out. My mother is just not talking to me and says I'm making a mistake, I feel that for parents that claim they support my decision either way and respect my choice they aren't really acting very supportive. I feel they may resent me and hold it against me for keeping this baby, again putting doubts in my mind should I just go through with the abortion to please everyone else and just learn to live with it?

ladyluck87 May 28th, 2013 07:11 AM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
Oh trust me, they are just in shock. Once the shock subsides, they will love this baby to pieces. They are saying they want you to move out once this baby is 1-2, and you will probably be more than ready to be on your own by then, but once the time comes your mother will probably be in tears because she won't want to part with the baby. Only go through with the abortion if it is what YOU want. Either you can learn to live with abortion, or they can learn to live with your choice to have this baby.

I don't want to "talk you into" going through with your pregnancy, but from what you are saying it screams to me that you want to continue the pregnancy. Private message me anytime you want to talk. I am always open ears.

MerinSun May 28th, 2013 08:36 AM

Re: Booked in for an abortion but still not 100%
 
Yeah, let them work through their emotions. Obviously they're not committed to the idea of kicking you out and depriving you of further support (otherwise they'd have kicked you out now and not in a year...or maybe two years...or maybe 3? lol). Give them some space and help ease their doubts by working on a plan of action for job/schooling/future residence, etc. Now that you know what you want to do you can have a little fun making some plans :)


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