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-   -   Pregnant with third : Abortion? Why/why not? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/2672019-pregnant-third-abortion-why-why-not.html)

Ktmckinsey August 13th, 2013 07:44 AM

Pregnant with third : Abortion? Why/why not?
 
I have two daughters, 1 and 3. My husband and I are 28. We are pulling ourselves out from under student loans. We rent an apartment. Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test because I was late starting my period. I have a copper IUD, so it should be idiot-proof. The test was slightly positive.

Assuming this isn't a tubal pregnancy, the test is accurate, and I don't miscarry, my husband would prefer that I get an abortion. Here are the reasons why:
  • I'm starting graduate school on the 21st.
  • I'm the main bread winner and would likely lose my job if I was pregnant again so soon
  • We're having marital problems and our relationship is strained.
  • The baby is still very young and needs a lot of mommy time.
  • Daycare is extremely expensive.
  • The oldest is in the process of having an official Apserger's diagnosis. There's already a lot of work to be done raising her.
  • Did I mention we're stressed to the max?
  • I can't quit my job to stay home because the student loan bills come due whether you have 0 children or 10. Buying diapers isn't the issue here.

Reasons to keep the pregnancy:
  • I feel like I'm killing my child.
  • I have excellent health insurance and short term disability. If I wasn't dumped by my company, I would be in a good place.

Adoption isn't an option for us. I was adopted and would honestly have rather been aborted than deal with some of the issues I've dealt with. That's another debate for another time, but I wanted to close that argument.

I feel like I would be hurting everyone around me if I kept this baby. Are there any rational reasons to keep this pregnancy? Help me.

Keakie August 13th, 2013 03:14 PM

Re: Pregnant with third : Abortion? Why/why not?
 
Logistics, finances, careers, space - those things can be incredibly difficult and complicated to figure out when you find yourself unexpectedly pregnant - but there are always ways to make things work. It might not be ideal or what you expected, but it can be worked out and you can get through that season of life. :hug: Terminating your pregnancy is permanent, and if you are morally opposed (or even just morally conflicted), I would advise against it, or at least against making a decision right now while the information is fresh and overwhelming.

I'm really sorry that you've found yourself in a difficult position. :( I hope that with time you're able to make a decision that you feel confident about. Please remember, though, that this is not about what your husband wants or what works for "everyone around you". This is your body and your pregnancy, and you're the one who will have to cope with the emotional and mental repercussions if you make a decision you're not really on board with.

xagamama August 14th, 2013 06:33 AM

Re: Pregnant with third : Abortion? Why/why not?
 
Hello, I am just lurking here and I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I read your story last and I have been thinking about you since. I know that you feel you will be hurting your family by having this baby, but it sounds as though you believe you would also be greatly harming your unborn child by terminating this pregnancy. I agree with the previous poster that abortion is such a permanent decision. It sounds from your post that you would really regret this decision. If you feel that abortion is killing your baby, then I stress that it would be a big mistake to go through with it no matter what other people in your life think. This is something you will have to live with emotionally and physically for the rest of your life. It is against the nature of a mother to harm her child.
In my experience things have a way of working themselves out, even though they seem impossible at the time. I truly believe we are given 9 months for a reason, so we can prepare ourselves for our new addition.
Please know that you are in my prayers right now.

ducksaresnazzy August 14th, 2013 08:39 AM

Re: Pregnant with third : Abortion? Why/why not?
 
i probably shouldn't, but here's my two cents:

getting an abortion shouldn't be a decision based on a pro/ con list. it should be a decision based on great deliberation, extensive talks with your partner, and the knowledge that you can do it without regrets. this isn't a logical situation, it's emotional, mental, and physical. logic has no place in an abortion debate.

that said, let me just:
Quote:

Reasons to keep the pregnancy:
I feel like I'm killing my child.
if you want rationale.. what more do you need?

mamatomany August 14th, 2013 09:03 AM

Re: Pregnant with third : Abortion? Why/why not?
 
I'm sorry you're not happy about your unexpected pregnancy. I know things seem difficult to you right now, but I want to tell you tha many mamas have been in far more difficult circumstances and kept their little baby and things do work themselves out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xagamama (Post 27585845)
In my experience things have a way of working themselves out, even though they seem impossible at the time. I truly believe we are given 9 months for a reason, so we can prepare ourselves for our new addition.

I think this is a wonderful way to put it. As to losing your job, it's not legal in the US to fire someone because of pregnancy.

I also want to point out that this tiny son or daughter is no less your child than the two daughters you already have. Does it make sense to end this one's life because he or she was unexpected or because your financial situation isn't as good as you'd like? Yes, babies take time and attention, and you may feel like you're stretched already. But remember that the years of intense parenting are very brief, over all too soon, and you will look back at them always with good memories. Don't end your little one's life just because things seem crazy right now. You can't get this baby back, not a year from now when things are smoother, not five years from now when you are in a better financial position.

The bottom line is, even if it 'messes up' your plans now, you will never, ever regret this little child once he or she is nestled in your arms. You're his or her mama, and you won't regret this one anymore than you regret your daughters. But you yourself said you feel like you're killing your child. You will regret that. And there's no way you can ever 'fix' that once it's done.

Best wishes and keep us posted. We're here as you work through this!

Tersh August 18th, 2013 11:18 AM

Re: Pregnant with third : Abortion? Why/why not?
 
I am sorry this is so rough for you and I have a slightly different opinion that the posters above me. The only person who can decide your happiness is you. If this baby will cause so much stress to you that it completely affects your quality of life and your ability to parent effectively, take care of your and your other children's mental, emotional and physical well-beings, and to provide for your family, then I can see why you would consider an abortion. However, like others have said, sometimes things have a way of working themselves out and while it will be stressful, it may just be the best thing to happen. You won't know either way, so if you do decide to terminate, just make sure you have thought everything out, from short-term stresses to long-term happiness. I hope you find peace, no matter what your decision.

bevyvuska August 19th, 2013 02:25 AM

Re: Pregnant with third : Abortion? Why/why not?
 
Everyone has made valid good points. Bottom line what everyone is saying is that you need to do what's best for YOU, emotionally, physically, etc. There is also giving them up for adoption, which is a difficult decision also, but none of this is easy.

I am currently about to have my own surprise, unexpected, this is SOOO not the best time baby on Friday. Are we nervous on how we are going to make things work? Hell Yes!! I am 39 years old with a 6yr old & didn't think we would be doing this again. I lost my job last year & haven't been able to find a new one. We had just moved into a more expensive area & were hoping I could get a job right away so we could start saving. A week after moving, found out I was pregnant & not just a little, but 17 weeks. I also had been on an IUD (Mirena), had my right ovary removed last year, was only seeing my husband on weekends & had to use drugs to get pregnant with our son. We went though all the thoughts & ultimately I decided that it would work out & we could make it work.

Just do not do or be pressured into doing anything that YOU won't be able to live with for the rest of your life. Good luck!

GSLynn August 25th, 2013 05:41 PM

Re: Pregnant with third : Abortion? Why/why not?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ktmckinsey (Post 27583581)
I have two daughters, 1 and 3. My husband and I are 28. We are pulling ourselves out from under student loans. We rent an apartment. Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test because I was late starting my period. I have a copper IUD, so it should be idiot-proof. The test was slightly positive.

Assuming this isn't a tubal pregnancy, the test is accurate, and I don't miscarry, my husband would prefer that I get an abortion. Here are the reasons why:
  • I'm starting graduate school on the 21st.
  • I'm the main bread winner and would likely lose my job if I was pregnant again so soon
  • We're having marital problems and our relationship is strained.
  • The baby is still very young and needs a lot of mommy time.
  • Daycare is extremely expensive.
  • The oldest is in the process of having an official Apserger's diagnosis. There's already a lot of work to be done raising her.
  • Did I mention we're stressed to the max?
  • I can't quit my job to stay home because the student loan bills come due whether you have 0 children or 10. Buying diapers isn't the issue here.

Reasons to keep the pregnancy:
  • I feel like I'm killing my child.
  • I have excellent health insurance and short term disability. If I wasn't dumped by my company, I would be in a good place.

Adoption isn't an option for us. I was adopted and would honestly have rather been aborted than deal with some of the issues I've dealt with. That's another debate for another time, but I wanted to close that argument.

I feel like I would be hurting everyone around me if I kept this baby. Are there any rational reasons to keep this pregnancy? Help me.

APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR MY BLUNTNESS!!!

First things First: You said the test was slightly positive. What does this mean? A test is either positive or negative (EVEN if the line is faint). So either you are pregnant or not, and if you're not sure, a blood test would be best so that you're not worrying for nothing. It could just be a chemical pregnancy and you might not have anything at all to be concerned about. I'd get a blood test to find out for sure.

Second, YOU do not have to please ANYONE ELSE! If you want to keep your child, that is all the reason you need. You don't have to explain or justify anything to anyone. It's YOUR choice and YOUR choice alone. Even your husband cannot tell you to abort your child. That said: No matter what you choose, you will have some things to deal with.

#1. If you choose abortion, you have to live with YOURSELF. It sounds like you don't want to do it and you feel like it's "killing" your baby so you think it's wrong. That right there is the #1 reason in the world you should NOT do it. Never compromise your beliefs to please someone else. EVER.

#2. If you choose to keep the child, your husband may not want to parent the child. That is a risk you would have to take. HOWEVER, he sure didn't mind helping you MAKE the child, so he should just suck it up and do it since adoption isn't an option for your family. He has 2 more children, one more is not really a big deal (I went from 2-4 which IS a big deal, but still not that bad). Then he needs to be fixed if he doesn't want more children.

I do not believe any child is "unplanned" (maybe unexpected, but not unplanned) because if you are having sex at all, then it's a risk, even if a small risk, and even if on Birth Control. Therefore, while you may not have laid out thoughts of having a baby, you did plan the sex which everyone knows can lead to pregnancy. This means HE did also and can't just shirk his responsibilities and just tell you to abort the kid because it is convenient for him. Is HE going to be there when YOU are feeling horrible, depressed, angry, hurt, guilty and even if he is, can he ever take those feelings away? Maybe you'll even resent him for feeling you had to do it. You really have to sit down and talk with him about your feelings, and let him know abortion just won't work for you so either you keep the baby or adopt, and you believe in keeping the baby.


And tell him to remember "An ounce of prevention is a pound of cure"--meaning if he doesn't want to find himself in this position again, (and if you don't either) that you guys figure out a plan. Sometimes, you need 2 methods of BC if he doesn't want to do the permanent route. If he tells you "yeah I wanted 4 kids, just not now" then the IUD and condoms are a pretty good combination. Or spermicide. Of course, tell him to keep in mind that those methods are not 100% foolproof.

The sucky part is that IUD's and other birth control methods have a pretty good amount of failures and so you have found yourself with an unexpected situation on your hands. But that can all be changed with doing a more permanent solution.


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