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-   -   Pregnant and both me and bf are in college. What do we do...feeling helpless. (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f100-unplanned-pregnancy/2704194-pregnant-and-both-me-and-bf-college-what-do-we-do-feeling-helpless.html)

Rebecca.eleanore January 19th, 2014 10:17 PM

Pregnant and both me and bf are in college. What do we do...feeling helpless.
 
Just found out I am about 5 weeks pregnant. This is the first time I've ever been pregnant and I'm honestly excited. I'm 19 my boyfriend of 4 years is 22 and he is absolutely in shock and scared because he has two more years of college still and I have to finish also. He is miserable and hates himself for begging me to get an abortion. He believes he'll already have to leave school, sell all his stuff and find a full time job if I don't have an abortion. I completely agree that we cannot financially support this baby at all and if we choose adoption neither of us will be able to give it up. I absolutely do not want an abortion but I also don't want to ruin both of our opportunities to stay in college and not be struggling parents. I want my baby so bad though:( please give me advice I truly don't know what to do. Thank you.

mamatomany January 20th, 2014 09:24 AM

Re: Pregnant and both me and bf are in college. What do we do...feeling helpless.
 
First of all, you clearly desire to mother this little baby and therefore, no one, no even in a well-meaning way, should be trying to pressure or convince you to abort it. You should absolutely not feel guilty at all for wanting to protect, nuture, and love your tiny son or daughter. Let yourself be excited!

Next, don't stress. Many, many ladies have gone through what you're going through right now and still finished college. In fact, sometimes they find that a child provides even more purpose and dedication to finishing. On a practical note there are lots of financial aid programs available to you, and colleges frequently have low cost on campus childcare centers for the times when your and your boyfriend's schedule don't make it possible for one of you to keep the baby with you.

Overall, congratulations on this small new life! I encourage you to join a due date forum here on just mommies. It can be really fun, encouraging, and helpful to be able to communicate with other ladies due the same month and most likely you'll find others on your board in a similar situation to you. Keep us posted!!

3maybe January 20th, 2014 09:25 AM

Re: Pregnant and both me and bf are in college. What do we do...feeling helpless.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Rebecca.eleanore (Post 27915077)
Just found out I am about 5 weeks pregnant. This is the first time I've ever been pregnant and I'm honestly excited. I'm 19 my boyfriend of 4 years is 22 and he is absolutely in shock and scared because he has two more years of college still and I have to finish also. He is miserable and hates himself for begging me to get an abortion. He believes he'll already have to leave school, sell all his stuff and find a full time job if I don't have an abortion. I completely agree that we cannot financially support this baby at all and if we choose adoption neither of us will be able to give it up. I absolutely do not want an abortion but I also don't want to ruin both of our opportunities to stay in college and not be struggling parents. I want my baby so bad though:( please give me advice I truly don't know what to do. Thank you.

Your post took me back...I got pregnant, away at college, at 18. The father was 22. In my case, I left school and had my baby at 19; that baby is now 19 years old and in college! The father and I did not last long and I quickly became a single mom. I can't lie, it was HARD...some days it felt like hell on earth. It took me another nine years to complete my degree. While there were hard times, there were plenty of good times and memories I'll cherish forever. BUT, as an objective adult, I can now say that I'm an advocate of aggressive and increased sex education & birth control education/options. I wish I'd fully taken advantage of my youth and college/young adult experience, which I couldn't do with a baby. I feel like having a child so young & in such a non-traditional manner altered my life so significantly & erased all options of having that "fairytale" life (marriage, 2.5 kids, house, white picket fence, yada yada). While I've done very well for myself, I often wonder what life would have been like had I not had my child, so early in life.

I digress.

For your situation...you've mentioned some key factors. You do not want an abortion. IMO, that takes abortion off the table. It's your body and your decision. Another key point...he wants you to have an abortion, he's scared & consumed with what all he'll have to give up if you decide to have the baby. Understand that means at any point YOU may be totally responsible for this baby. Sure, he can be ordered to pay child support, but that's the easy part; he can't be made to actually help rear the child. With regard to adoption, there are open adoptions. Today, birth parents are making all types of "arrangements/deals" with adoptive parents; it's an option. One thing you didn't mention is your family. My family was awesome and a great support system; would you & your BF have that support?

I think you have to sit down with BF & make the first decision...to abort or have the baby. If you opt to have baby, the next decision is whether or not you will put baby up for adoption or keep & raise baby. Then you can utilize resources either way to assist with either decision.

Good luck either way. I hope something I posted helped you.

LisaMT January 20th, 2014 03:34 PM

Re: Pregnant and both me and bf are in college. What do we do...feeling helpless.
 
Hi Rebecca, Congratulations on your little one. Slow down, take a deep breath. What 3maybe and Mamatomany have said is very wise. All is not lost because of your little one, and there are lots of choices you can make. The key is to continue to communicate, plan for the future, budget well and make good choices. Hugs to you!

Rebecca.eleanore January 20th, 2014 06:53 PM

Re: Pregnant and both me and bf are in college. What do we do...feeling helpless.
 
Thanks so much for the replies it means a lot. I read each one over a few times and it makes me sad and guilty to be excited to be pregnant. I went to my first doctors appt today with my boyfriend. They confirmed I was about five weeks and if I chose abortion I would have to wait till at least six weeks. This gives me a whole other week to feel more attached to my pregnancy and it's really depressing trying to make a decision. My boyfriend and I have non stop discussed everyday how we would make it work, but I don't speak to anyone in my family except my aunt and uncle and my boyfriends whole family would be livid since he just went back to college and our families are too busy to watch and care for the baby. I want this baby but ill just basically be a single mom with no money and struggling. I want this baby but it will have nothing if I bring it in this world and I can't give it away to another family. Hardest decision I'll ever make.

mamatomany January 20th, 2014 08:35 PM

Re: Pregnant and both me and bf are in college. What do we do...feeling helpless.
 
Rebecca,
I want to encourage you again that you do not need to feel guilty to be excited. Many, many of us were very poor starting out. Our babies were not born into wealth, luxury, and financial stability. But guess what? That's a temporary phase of your life, and your baby will never remember it. It will be a lot of work, and not easy, but there are so many great financial aid programs and colleges are excellent at working with people to help ensure you can finish. You do not need to decide between your child's life and finishing school.

We can't ever predict the future. Those of us in 'good' positions to have children don't know if by the time the child is born we'll still be that same position. You can't predict what your boyfriend will do or what your life will look like in five years. All you can do is take what you know about yourself and what your heart desires and choose your path. Then be strong, don't give up when it's hard, become your baby's champion. I just long to save you from pain and regret at ending this baby's life when you already are in love with it! Don't let other people's ideas of what your bank account should say force you to make a decision you don't want to make. You've got 8 months to get things in order, maybe buying a few baby necessities each month to prepare, talking with your college advisor, looking into in campus childcare, etc. That's plenty of time to get all your ducks in a row before you're toting around a sweet little bundle.

Thanks for updating us and I'm glad your appointment went well.

Rainbow Momma January 21st, 2014 01:54 PM

Re: Pregnant and both me and bf are in college. What do we do...feeling helpless.
 
You can still finish college and have a life even with a baby in tow. will it be hard? yes. will it take longer? quite possibly. but you can do this! There are actually more financial aid options to moms than those who are not

3maybe January 22nd, 2014 03:54 AM

Re: Pregnant and both me and bf are in college. What do we do...feeling helpless.
 
Rebecca, I sent you a private message.


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