Some Ugly Self-Realizations
Yes, this is a rant about myself. After having 3 complete mental breakdowns in a day I realize what was making me so upset. Myself.
I never ask for help with anything. I do it all. Cook, clean, take care of the baby, make sure the older two are doing what they are supposed to, all by myself. I sometimes dole out chores to the kids because I know they need knowledge of how to clean, how to keep things neat and so on. DH keeps telling me I don't have to do it all myself, but I feel like if I'm not doing everything I'm being lazy. It doesn't matter if I've done everything in the house that needs to be done. If I, myself, am not doing these things, I feel like a lazy, bad mother. It's completely irrational and I know that. I tell myself to ask for help, i'm not perfect, I don't have to act like i'm perfect. I don't need to put everything on myself and not ask for anyones help. But it continues the same way it always has. With me putting myself in charge of everything. It's not that i'm trying to prove a point to anyone, I don't have any points to prove. I put all these high expectations on myself to be who I think I should be, and when I don't meet those expectations, I get frustrated and lash out. It's not fair to my family, especially my children.
I'm mean without realizing it. I'm extremely strict without thinking. Somehow I have managed to put my expectations of myself on my kids. That's wrong. They're kids. I lose my temper way more than I should. I hate that. I hate how I wind up yelling at the kids, and right after I walk away I realize I shouldn't have done that. Sometimes I go back to them and hug them and apologize for losing my temper, but most of the time I'm too disappointed in myself to even look at them. I disgust myself. Sometimes I catch myself before I go on a rampage and remind myself they are just kids, their priorities are different than mine. They aren't adults and they don't need to be treated like adults. I give them a gentle reminder to get back on track and do what is expected of them. A lot of times, thats not the case. I make sure I give them lots of hugs and good jobs and pats on the back. It's not their fault i'm messed up.
I've been trying to change myself for a year now. I need to be a mother, not a taskmaster. I hate the way I am, I hate doing things the way I do. The two problems are related. I think if I asked for help I wouldnt be so frustrated with everything, I wouldnt be so depressed, I could become the person I want to be without having to run everything myself. I cause myself a lot of stress and hardship and I don't want to be like that. Right now, I'm hating myself.
Re: Some Ugly Self-Realizations
Linzie, take a deep breath. We all go through times where we have one thing or another going on that makes us hate ourselves. My example? I was too caught up in my depression over what happened with my ex. I let my son go and my boyfriend. He had to support us entirely on his extra loans from school. I was too depressed and lazy to get anything done. It took me a whole year. I now have a job and work 40 hours a week. And even then, i get OCD and start picking up every tiny little thing on the ground. Find out if there is other support around there you can access. Have you heard of Babysitters, Nannies, Child Care & Senior Home Care - Care.com ? you can find someone on there who can help with the kids for very little money. Just explain to them your situation. There are many people who are willing to help. We sank so low recently that I had to turn to craigslist for help, I posted about needing diapers for my son as we had two choices, diapers and wipes, or a roof over our heads. We got 200 diapers and 100 wipes. From people we had never met before. One lady even gave us an extra 20 bucks to make the drive to her and back for the diapers. I cried my eyes out for two days when I realized what I had done, to myself, my son, my family. My depression had eaten me up and I was not doing anything to better our lives.
DH has the same problem, he yells as DS sometimes when he is frustrated about something and DS cant communicate back. Not bad, just frustrated. But then he feels terrible inside and cant even be around us because he feels so bad. Its ok. It happens to the best of us. Talk to your DH and see if maybe you can pick up more work. Try Mystery Shopping Company & Customer Service Experience | BestMark sign up under DS since I know he is old enough. Ref# AZ3731
You can work as much as you want when you want and get paid every two weeks. Its owned by my extended family, so its all very trustworthy. We made 900 in 2 weeks and paid all our bills. You can also mark it as extra earned income and get child care from your state.
But most importantly, remember to breath and remember that you are a great mother. You are raising three kids. Its not easy to be a mom. Especially with a tiny one. Just do the best you can with what you have. We are all here to listen and help you. :) Remember that.
Re: Some Ugly Self-Realizations
Hi Linzie... This is a tough spot. It takes a lot to even realize that the problem is you so good for you mama. I am a firm believer that if the mom is taken care of, so are the kids. How can you be expected to reach your full potential as a caretaker if you are too stressed to take care of yourself? Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Learning Center
"According to Maslow’s theory, if such needs are not satisfied then one’s motivation will arise from the quest to satisfy them. Higher needs such as social needs and esteem are not felt until one has met the needs basic to one’s bodily functioning."
There are support groups put there for many things and although getting to the first one is huge, the one (or so) hours a week is deeply theraputic. For me, it was Al Anon. I was raised by an alcoholic mother and the affects of that came out through becoming a "type A" personality.
You can PM me anytime just for someone to talk to.
This is also a good book. Nourish the mama :) Amazon.com: Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood (9781590302965): Karen Maezen Miller: Books
Re: Some Ugly Self-Realizations
(((HUGS))) I feel the same way sometimes too, so your not alone! It's not easy to change yourself at all, believe me I know! I know I am taking on way too much and can never get anything done in a day.
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