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-   -   Can I vent/get advice? (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f47-venting-room/2701324-can-i-vent-get-advice.html)

miskamiah January 3rd, 2014 01:40 AM

Can I vent/get advice?
 
hi, I don't usually post a lot here... but I don't know what to do right now, I feel so lost, I hate it...
I am a mother of two little girls 2 and 3, they are actually ten month apart, love them to death.
I am in engage ( not to their real father, that is a whole other story..) their soon to be step dad has OCD. which all in all at first didn't seem bad... but now its horrible and he isn't seeking help, he will make them clean EVERYTHING and I don't mean their toys I mean lifting up couch pillows to pick up tiny candy wrapper that I personally think you could just vacuum... which also goes to disciplining, if they do not pick up after the first time he tells them to spanking, he sees a mess spanking... if they cry spanking or corner then after 10 mins he might ask if something is really bothering them like a dirty diaper? when I talk to him about it he takes it as I am attacking him... all I want is to discuss some middle ground here! my youngest daughter is now telling me she is scared of daddy... if it wasn't him feeding his OCD he is a great guy I just don't know how to show him that he should really think about getting help... at least talk to a doctor and see what he/she says....

katylady January 3rd, 2014 08:30 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
maybe try pre-marriage counseling before you get married. That way you can bring it up with someone that might beable to help him understand your point of view. (shrugs) hope you figure it out and it works out for you and your girls.

Rainbow Momma January 3rd, 2014 09:18 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
People have this huge assumption/stereotype with mental illnesses. My dad has been living with Bi-polar since practically the day i was born (thats the time he said that he noticed something was off with him). He finally got help when i was 21...I think its a feeling for them (especailly guys) that they're not crazy so they dont need to see anybody for it or fix anything because they refuse to be "crazy" even though its affecting the people he loves, although he really doesnt realize it. I would just reiterate the fact to him that noone has to know that he's taking meds for it or seeing someone about it, its his own battle not anyone elses. and really put it in perspective for you how much its hurting you and the kids. I always wished my mom had had the guts to say something to my dad about it. This is what i use to tell my mom.."are the good times really worth all these bad times, is it worth having your kids be scared?" and if he still refuses to get help, maybe its time to move on. Just speaking from a kid point of view.

miskamiah January 3rd, 2014 10:23 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
Thank you, I will talk to him again and mention counseling, tell him how much it is affecting us and make sure he listen and not walks away.

miskamiah January 4th, 2014 11:36 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
so a little update I guess and some venting... I did talk to him not so much about needing help on the OCD but finding middle grounds for disciplining the girls and he basically told me no, we don't need too. He will continue his and I should continue my way. I replied by telling him that if we continue to do it that way we will start to resent each other... to which he claims he wont, he hasn't felt the slightest restraint towards me. which is nice but I don't believe him seeing how every time he does "his" method and I walk in to see what is going on he throws is hands in the air and either says "oh mom to the rescue" or "why do I even bother". I did tell him though that I am feeling some towards him because I do not like him using the "scare tactic" as a method of discipline

katylady January 5th, 2014 06:11 PM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
All I can say is "lots of luck" hope he comes around and sees some light from your point of view.

Rainbow Momma January 6th, 2014 01:08 PM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
There has to be a middle ground since your way and his ways are different your girls are going to get confused. Def sounds like my dad "why am i always the bad guy" was his line he used alot. He sounds like he's set in his ways and he's not going to make a change until he decides to do so for himself. I would just keep talking to him about it and maybe it'll get through to him, show him how the girls are scared. And i know its drastic but maybe the threat of leaving and losing you 3 will wake him up a bit but that may just be what he needs for him to meet you half way.

miskamiah January 6th, 2014 07:33 PM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
I have told him twice the girls are scared of him even my oldest told him she is scared of him and each time he has no idea why and I tell him... but now he is back in Denver for work not sure for how long either...

Rainbow Momma January 7th, 2014 11:53 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
Maybe this will be a good time while he is away to really mull things over, he sounds super stubborn and it kinda sounds like nothing you say is making a difference unfortunately:/ Sounds like he is going to change on his terms, if only it was as easy as the movies for you to make him feel like the idea to change was his idea instead of yours.

miskamiah January 8th, 2014 12:40 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
I am hoping that while he is away he will see the bigger picture too, I know his job has been frustrating and yes he is stubborn he has been living his way for a really long time, the whole fiancÚ and kids is a really big change for him but he took it and needs to man up... I just have been telling him how the girls and I have been feeling and if he don't want to change then he can stay in Denver.... honestly I really hope we can sit down and discuss it though...
thank you all though for letting me vent and helping me threw this <3

Rainbow Momma January 8th, 2014 12:39 PM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
I really hope he comes around for you! Good luck! We're here, of course, if you need to talk some more!

miskamiah January 9th, 2014 10:15 PM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
apparently my daughter has been telling her teachers that daddy is always mad and spanks me... I had the teacher call me... so I texted him saying it has to change, half of our conversation was him saying that I am attacking him I obviously am better off with out him he is just a terrible guy, I replied by telling him its is OCD she don't understand it and he needs to lay off the spankings and allow some mess and I too need to work on it too I need to be more firm and allow less mess I want us to help each other ... he kind a went quiet after that so I don't know what's going on now if he still wants the family life or not.... and I just want to cry because that was really painful to hear knowing my daughter is telling everyone that daddy is always mad

Rainbow Momma January 10th, 2014 11:57 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
IM sooo sorry:/ I would maybe give him a couple days space and see what he thinks about it after he has a few days to mull it over and have the reality of the situation sink in.

i:heart:you January 10th, 2014 12:03 PM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
I would rethink the relationship, if he can't get help or change his ways. He is definitely not being considerate of how you feel about him disciplinging YOUR girls. They shouldn't fear their parent but be able to trust them.

Kalia20 January 11th, 2014 10:07 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
Give the kids their own space to play in, be it a toy room, their bedroom or a corner of the living room and make it off limits to him, until after they are done playing, them let him clean if he so chooses. I'd make it darn clear to him that they are YOUR children and they are to be treated in the way you see fit. I'd also mention it to him that if your daughter keeps telling her teacher that daddy is always mad and spanks her, that could eventually turn into a CPS call. Maybe not, but is it worth the risk? If me and my DH ever split and I found another man, no way would I allow a man to do that to my kids, and a spanking? I dont think so........DH would be the same way with any women he ended up with.

There has to be a middle ground somewhere. I only know one mom with OCD for cleanliness and she tries to clean and organize WHILE her kids are playing with the toys and it's always a fight, it's sad really. Shes not a bad mom, just has to loosen up because kids can and do make messes. Especially the little ones. Their minds arent as developed as ours, we need to understand that.

i:heart:you January 13th, 2014 08:39 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
^^^^Exactly!

rachelc0 January 13th, 2014 09:55 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
relationships are all about compromise. if he isn't willing to bend, move on. you can't cow-tow to someone for your entire lives because not only will you get burnt out, it won't get better. i know this from experience because my mom did for my step dad. he was in the military and had certain ways that everything should be done and it sucked. and she never stepped in to disagree. now they're divorced because we basically all cut ties with her until she left him (plus he was cheating on her).

nothing is harder i think than coming to a common ground. i am extremly bull-headed and so is DH but if we never talked it out or tried to compromise, we would be single parents right now. DEF something you need to accomplish before you get married that way if you need to get out, it's easier than a divorce.

miskamiah January 28th, 2014 10:44 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
thank you everyone, things been going down hill still even though my daughter isn't "scared" of him anymore but he flat out told me no he will not go to counseling because his "OCD" isn't interfering in his life I told him it is. and last night he said that I don't clean and if he were to call CPS they would agree with him and take my kids. the house is a mess yes but its only toys paper crayons maybe some plates I vacuum and pick up just with two toddlers its hard to keep up sometimes but he don't believe me so much because its always messy and I don't pick up for "weeks" which is not true and he isn't always home... but that hurt so bad...

Rainbow Momma January 28th, 2014 01:02 PM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
Im sorry things arent improving at all:( maybe its time to reevaluate the relationship and see if it really is going anywhere. if its not its better to end it now than later

rachelc0 January 29th, 2014 07:39 AM

Re: Can I vent/get advice?
 
you don't want to keep those kids in a hostile enviorment because it won't do them any good and they may come to someday blaming you for it. i agree with Rainbow, time for re-eval to see if its even worth it anymore.


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