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Helping
a Friend Through a Miscarriage
When
you have a friend that has had a miscarriage there is a lot
you can do to help her. Many times we are afraid to say
anything because we don’t want to say the wrong thing
but not saying anything at all can be just as bad. So
what should you say and what shouldn’t you say. I
have had three miscarriages myself and have heard a lot of
things that were just not the right things to say. I
have put together a list of things you can say and things
you probably shouldn’t. Please be gentle with your
friends that are coping with miscarriage. They need your
support.
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Things
you should say.
- Do
call her and tell her you are sorry for her loss.
- Do
send her a card or flowers to show you care
- Do
let her talk as much as she needs to or wants to.
- Do
give her a hug to let her know you care.
- Do
offer to help with housework, babysitting or other things
that she may not feel up to doing.
- Do
acknowledge her baby.
- It
is okay to say I don’t know what to say or I don’t
know how to help.
- Do
call and check up on her. The pain does not go away
in a couple days.
- Give
her extra attention. She needs to feel like other
people care about what she is going through.
- Do
ask if she wants to talk about it.
Things
you should not say.
- It
was probably for the best.
- At
least it happened early in the pregnancy before you really
got attached.
- It
was God’s will
- I
understand how you feel. Even if you have had more
than one miscarriage, you may not know how she is feeling.
- It
was only one miscarriage.
- I
know a friend that had such and such miscarriages and
she has children now.
- It
was nature’s way of getting rid of defective chromosomes.
- At
least you have one child
- I
don’t understand why you are so upset.
- Maybe
you should consider adoption, not having children.
- Don’t
not talk about it. Don’t avoid her.
- Don’t
try to cheer her up. She probably doesn’t want
to be cheered up and by doing this you are not acknowledging
her pain.
- It
may be difficult for her to be around children or pregnant
women. Be understanding and sympathetic. But
don’t avoid being around her if you are pregnant
or have children.
- Do
share your experience but this is not the time to go on
about how bad things were for you. She needs your
support.
- If
she does get pregnant again, don’t dismiss her anxiety
by saying things like lots of women have spotting, cramping,
etc. Be optimistic but acknowledge her fears.
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Frequently
Asked Questions About Miscarriage
A miscarriage is a pregnancy loss before 20 weeks
of pregnancy.
Causes
of Recurrent Miscarriage
Women are considered to have recurrent miscarriages
when they have two or three miscarriages in a row.
Pregnancy
Loss Message Board
Find support in our pregnancy loss community
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