I don’t know how to start this post other than to say that I got my hopes up, only to have them drop off the cliff on the other side. I’m such a boob!
After 6 days of lower back aches, 3 home pregnancy tests and generally feeling rubbish for the week, Thursday brought confirmation that this month is not the month for pregnancy… At least, not for me.
With two work colleagues announcing the pregnancies of their spouses I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. And, if I’m honest, I still am. I’ve cried in a bathroom stall at work, in the car on my way home (hello people on the bus next to me!) and I’ve cried while sitting in the bath.
I’m really struggling with what to do next, if anything. David is convinced that it’s just time that we need – time with each other, time to be patient, time to let it happen. But, of course, all I hear is the TICK TOCK of time going by. The seconds that seem to be flying by and slamming into a pile up of minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months of trying that isn’t working. Let me tell you, this is one ugly pile up to witness.
Back in October of 2008 David had a sperm analysis done which showed his boys were champion swimmers. And since I had already had blood tests and an ultrasound that showed everything was doing what we thought it should we kind felt a little, well, cocky. Our doctor mentioned that the next step would be a lap and dye for me, and since we’re both a little (ok, A LOT) squeamish and anxious about surgery we decided that we would be happy to wait a little longer even though the doctor wanted to schedule a lap and dye for January 2009.
Then, I got pregnant. Man, was I one smug mother.
I had a miscarriage.
We changed doctors.
I got pregnant again.
I had a miscarriage.
And now, all of a sudden it’s 6 months since that lap and dye was first mentioned and I’m finding myself trying to justify a visit to the doctors to ask about it. Because it’s the only thing I know of at this point that I can pro-actively do. I AM NOT MADE FOR WAITING.
So here I am, virtually standing before you asking what you would do. What you have done. What road you took when you encountered this fork in the road. Stupid fork.