Grieving the innocence

I still post on the Trying to Conceive After Loss and Pregnancy After Loss forums I posted on while TTC and when pregnant with Erin and Patrick.  I feel that I fit in better there than I do with women who are doing either without ever having a loss.

But most of the women have had first trimester miscarriages and sometimes the differences between ttc/being pregnant after a miscarriage and after a stillbirth rear their ugly heads.  Today a lady posted about her new pregnancy.  She’s nervous, as all of us are pregnant after a loss.  She posted today about hormone levels and for the first time hers are rising like they should.

So she said “It looks like we might actually get to take this one home.”

The only times I’ve ever felt like that since Cora died was while I was in labor with Erin and Patrick.  And even then, with Patrick there were a few moments when I thought we might not be taking him home.

I hate that I have no safety in pregnancy.  There is no point in pregnancy when I am confident and unafraid.

I wish I had that back.  I’ve accepted that I won’t get Cora back….but I wish that I could have that back.

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  • I’m with you on this one too. Having had a child born so sick I was starting to plan his funeral in my mind, and having my nephew not even make it into this world, I just have to ignore and skip past these kinds of comments. It’s hard for me not to respond, but I don’t want to take away their innocence too.