October and November have been hard months for me for the past 10 years. November 2nd, 2001, was the date that I said goodbye to my first angel, and then strangely enough two of my three other losses occurred between October 21 and November 19… So in the space of less than a month, I have three angelversaries. Zhavier’s anniversary is October 21st (2007), Jayden’s is November 2nd (2001), and then Micah’s is November 19th (2005). Of all the days they could fall on, I still don’t really understand how they all managed to fall so closely together. The anniversary of my fourth and final angel is January 6th (2008) – so still relatively close.
I do consider myself healed from my losses. I still think about my four angels, but usually it is just a quick thought here and there, that I forget about a few minutes later… But the past few weeks, my babies have all been constantly on my mind. I’m used to feeling this way at this time of year though. I find it hard not to think, and I guess that is understandable… It’s hard to not think about what life was like then and now, hard not to remember going through each individual loss.
Certain sights and smells make me think of my losses, silly things. Going to the food court toilets at Northlands Mall makes me think of Micah – because that is where I ‘completed’ my miscarriage and held him, silently crying. Zhavier, it’s the supermarket on Moorhouse Ave – we went into there to buy something, I went to the toilet and found I was spotting. That was the beginning of my ectopic pregnancy journey. Jayden, it’s Montreal Street, which is where my loss occurred. I hate driving down that street. Addison, it’s my parents house – having morning sickness, but then also noticing I was spotting.
I try not to dwell, but at this time of the year it’s hard. I know that if those losses hadn’t occurred, I wouldn’t have my gorgeous girls – but at the same time, I know that if my losses hadn’t occurred, I would have had the chance to hold THOSE babies in my arms. I do believe that everything happens for a reason though, and I try to think of Emersyn and Gabrielle as ‘gifts’ from my angels… I think that’s my way of focusing on the positives rather than on the negatives.
I still have pregnancy tests from two of my losses, Micah and Zhavier, and I have my medical notes from Jayden, Micah, and Zhavier. I have nothing from my pregnancy with Addison apart from the sad memories of my now ex boyfriend telling me that I had to choose between him and her, and that he couldn’t have a child right then. All the tears I shed because of it, and then ringing him to say, “well I don’t need to make a decision, I’m miscarrying,” and how sad he sounded. At least he was supportive about it, though at the time I thought it was more relieved than supportive.
This is just a funny old time of year. I miss my babies. I hate that I’ve experienced losses, but at the same time I am glad I have my two princesses, and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I like to think that a little part of my angels lives on in both of them….