I got a text.  I met her.  It all seemed to be falling into place.  I heard about a possible birthmother.  She was a friend of a friend.  We met for coffee because she had some questions about adoption.  My intent going into the meeting was to give her the information for our agency and answer any questions she may have.  I was mentally prepared to be a sounding board and that was it.  When she started asking questions about me and Tony, it got real.  She wanted to know about us, our relationship and why we wanted to adopt.  She said, “I really like you.  I hope my mom likes you too.”

I left the meeting on top of the world.  I thought we finally had something!  She liked me and wanted to meet Tony.  I agreed to meet with her and her mother as soon as they wanted to, I would make my schedule work.

Then… we waited.  A week later I contacted her to see if there was a good time and she told me that they wanted to meet with an agency before meeting with us.  We haven’t heard anything since.  We don’t know if she went to our agency or if she decided to go with another agency that they had talked about.

To say the least, I was devastated.  Of course, I know that she has to do what is best for her and her baby.  Of course, if she’s happy, I’m happy for her.  Of course, this situation may not be over.  But it doesn’t make the pain any less.  Depression quickly followed hearing the news and I could not bring myself out of it.  I carried it like a sack of rocks over my shoulder for at least two weeks.  The pain started manifesting itself physically.  I hurt all the time and shut down socially.

When I think about it now, I have good days and bad days.  There are days that I tear up and think all of this would be easier if we just gave up and then we would just KNOW.  There are other days that I know it is making me and Tony stronger.  But that does not make it any easier.  I know that there is time and this birthmother situation may not be over.  In my own head, I need to be at peace with the fact that it may be over and return to waiting, try to live in the now and enjoy life.

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