Breaks my heart

I just made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies with Erin.  After everything was all mixed up, she got out a book and stuff and started to pretend to make her own cookies.  Gingerbread men. With her cousins…and Cora.

I hate that to play with her sister she has to pretend.  I LOVE that she knows her sister, but really?  It just hurts that she doesn’t really get to know her.  I wasn’t the only one robbed.  Erin, Patrick, and Allison were robbed of a sister.  And as Erin gets older it’s becoming more and more evident to me.  How long until she meets other kids and realizes what a big sister is supposed to be?  Will she go crying to me like I did to my dad at not having one?  I didn’t know about my stillborn sister at that time, and that’s when my dad told me, but how will it feel for Erin?  When she understands what death really is and sees others have what she should?

It just breaks my heart.

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