Do Ugly Babies Exist?

Now some of y’all are going to have some issues with this post, but I’m not here to people please, (well, not entirely.) I’m here to tell it like it is and to tell the truth- and hopefully give you a chuckle. As a mother of an almost toddler with a new one on the way I am smack dab in the middle of the baby storm. Part of this “Babynado”, if you will, includes the much heated debate on whether or not babies can or can’t be ugly?

I hope this blog entry clears it up. The answer y’all is YES! A resounding YES. I know, I know I’m supposed to say all babies are gifts from God and they are beautiful. I DO believe that ALL babies are gifts from God, but they are not all asthetically pleasing to the eye. Am I lying?!

The Original Baby Bean now aka the Chicklet at 10 days old still not even 5 lbs.

I got lucky! Even though my baby came out super duper tiny she still didn’t have that crazy newborn “lookin’ like a 90-year-old man” look to her. And don’t think I’m getting up on my high horse. I have a picture or two of her where she very closely resembles “Roger” from American Dad in the beginning. But fortunately that was a short phase.

Plain and simple some babies are just not attractive, just like some people are not attractive- does that mean you should acknowledge that? Hell, no! At least not to their face or their parent’s face. You save your comments for when you are alone with your best friend, mother, sister or husband- if he has tendencies to be as catty as you are and then you let loose.

It is especially hard not to comment when one or both of the parents are extremely good-looking and they give birth to an extra from The Walking Dead. And even I admit it’s hard not to take some delight when you go on Facebook and see that a former homecoming queen gave birth to little trolls. Yes, I know I’m going to hell- but that journey started when I began this blog entry talkin’ about people’s ugly babies.

I figured it was time to talk about this because I’ve been seeing A LOT of ugly babies lately. I’m kidding (sort of), but it was a topic of debate recently on one of the mommy sites I frequent, under the title “What Do You Say When A Friend Has An Ugly Baby?” Most people felt it was a real quandary, but be put in. Many women took the high road saying that “no baby is ugly.”

These are also probably the same women who don’t think you should have alcohol before noon. Um, hello God created Bloody Marys and Mimosas for a reason. That reason is called brunch. But the majority of women agreed that when faced with commenting on a friends less than attractive offspring you “say nothing” or you comment on how sweet the baby is. Because “all babies are sweet”. Although I believe that’s up for debate as well.

My great-uncle, God rest his soul, came up with THE perfect solution when one comes face to face with an ugly baby and their maker. It’s a very Southern approach much like, saying “Bless Your Heart” instead of cussin’ someone out. You simply look at the child (being sure not to cringe ’cause that’s a dead give away) then you look at the parent and with a genuine smile on your face you say, “Uh-huh! Now that’s a baby!” And that’s how ugly babies came to be known at “Uh-huh babies” in our household.

‘Cause here’s the deal, every parent believes that the creature they created is the most fabulous gorgeous thing that’s ever been made- as they should. Now, I’m sure there are a few exceptions- there always are. But those parents are wise not to let on– to their baby or anyone else that they think their kid is atrocious. The good news is everyone has an “ugly duckling phase” mine was from about 13-18 (perfect timing Thanks God!) for some that period is just infanthood and hopefully if they’re lucky they’ll grow out of it. If not you just stress that looks aren’t that important- money is!

*JFTR: Just for the record this is a completely satirical piece while there are some truths that were said I am in no way shape or form mocking or poking fun at children who were born with birth defects or any other malady. Duh!

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  • Well written and balanced article – about something most people don’t want to talk about 🙂
    I like to read about what we all think about (apart from the part of population choosing to stay in permanent denial, that is). I agree, there definitely are ugly babies.
    The article offers food for thought AND something to giggle about. Just what I needed during my toddler’s nap and mommy’s tea break 🙂

  • Right on! Just like the Seinfeld episode. People will take your post out of context and tell you that you’re going to hell. But like adults not all children are cute! That doesn’t mean that those who think that are encouraging parents to throw away their kids and treat then bad! Nor are we saying we should tell parents that to their face!! It’s just a fact that not all babies are cute. They are a blessing and wonderful to have, but like adults some may lack in the looks department. People have to realize that the truth and political correctness don’t always go hand in hand. I’m pregnant and I know my baby will be beautiful, but someone out there might think my baby is hideous. Will it hurt my feeling? Yes! But I’ve learned to accept not be offended by what others think and would never think of valuing my baby’s looks based on what someone else thinks…. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and my baby might look ugly to one person but cute to another! Funny post. Kudos for being blunt 🙂

  • hat. yes i think … i know some babies can be Grimlin like. Ones you kinda you see and jump back. Your response to a disturbing encounter? Wow that’s a baby .Now make a smile on you face.
    At least that is my experance almost all the time.

  • Wow that’s a baby? Terrible. That’s almost a dead giveaway that you think the baby is ugly. The best response is “Aww he/she is adorable” because adorable isnt really a quality of beauty. Works perfectly.

  • It’s funny,when my sister in law had her baby she was the first to say he was an ugly babylol. He had a big nose and an older childs face not the usual cute babish one. We all used to just say wow he really looks like his father,and he did.

  • No theres no ugly babies, we are all diff, All babies are very cute, if born very diff to my kids I would still think that baby is cute,

  • There are ugly babies, that’s true. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder-I think you should say how previous. Previous doesn’t mean cute, and all babies are precious

  • I meant precious, sorry 🙂

  • listen, all these new moms need to get over themselves. yes, we did the miracle of life thing and got a cuudlesweetiepie. but news flash – you ain’t the first. it’s not all that fascinating to anybody but you. and it’s been going on forever. so you’re not all that and you’re not so special and important, and you only THINK you have all the perfect answrrs, child raising techniques and strategies, blah blah blah. you’ll let them grow up fat fresh and lazy, you’ll spoil them and then wonder why they are selfish and selfcentered, you’ll blame their teachers, their friends, society, nut the fact is YOU are the one who’s gonna get tired of the job, and these kids are gonna disappoint you bigtime and break your heart. good luck. really.