Category Grief & Loss

Easter

“But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept. For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. As in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive.” (1 Cor. 15: 20-22) I always loved Easter as a…
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Feeling sentimental

This picture was taken April 2, 2006. It is the last picture I have of me pregnant with Cora. There is just a little over a month until Cora’s 4th birthday. April is hard. I feel like I’m slipping inexorably down into a hole. I’m standing on a beach watching a tsunami come, and there’s…
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Some things you should never say

to a woman who has just had a miscarriage: It wasn’t meant to be. – Perhaps, but it sure doesn’t make the pain any less. You can always try again. – Yes, we can try again, but that doesn’t mean I will hurt less or grieve less for this baby. Better that it happened now…
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I wish

I wish I could go back to last week and pretend Thursday didn’t happen. I wish my boobs didn’t still hurt.  A constant reminder of what is not to be. I wish my family understood that I can’t just be happy and move on right now. I wish I didn’t feel so sorry for myself….
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Griefbursts

There are times when it just hits you.  I know they say that time makes it better, but I honestly don’t think that it does.  Time makes it so you can hold yourself together better.  Time allows you get to know your triggers so you can anticipate them and steel yourself for those expected moments….
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Never thought I’d have to write a post like this.

I am no longer pregnant.  I am devastated.  Yesterday afternoon I felt something wet and went to the bathroom and sure enough I was bleeding.  Neely took me to the ER, although my head told me that it was over already, I had to check it out.  My HCG levels were over 6,500 so there…
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Birthdays

It’s interesting to realize just how far-reaching the affects of Cora’s death have been on my life.  Birthdays are kind of a big deal, but before they were a really big deal.  Everything had to be absolutely perfect or it wouldn’t be “good.”  Not just for my birthday, but for everyone’s birthdays.  I would do…
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Saying Goodbye And Letting Go

My father died last week. We hadn’t been close because my mother tried to keep him out of my life for her own selfish reasons. You know, he chose someone else over her, so she used me as a weapon against him. It makes me sad to think of all the presents and cards he…
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"Hopefully"

My brother and sister-in-law are expecting a baby in August.  They found out on Monday it’s a girl.  I’m excited, I really am, but my excitement is so much different than everyone else’s. I can’t help but add “hopefully” to every statement. Hopefully in August she’s come home.  Hopefully, when I go down for my…
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So different now

I’ve always loved researching my family history.  I’m a Mormon;  it’s just a thing we do.  But more than that, I truly love doing it.  It gives me a great sense of self. Unfortunately, as you go back in time, child death becomes much more common.  Before, it always made me very sad to see…
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