Topic: Uncomfortable
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August 30th, 2008, 03:11 PM
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Daisyfields Daisyfields is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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We go through this w/ my DH's bio-son & this is my personal advice.

First off, don't talk to the child daily, don't call them & if they want to call you, make sure it's in the morning, not before bed, that's a big "no-no". No matter how much they cry to talk to you or what ever (unless they are truly sick, which is a different issue).

Secondly, before the child goes to the house, make sure you don't make it a big deal, like don't say "it's going to be fun, you're going to do this, and they need to see you too, and it's only fair, they miss you" etc. You want to make it like it's literally no big deal. No prepping involved.

Never, ever mention that you will miss them. Don't even suggest that you will miss them. If you say that, the child will automatically feel badly that they are leaving YOU & think that it's a loyalty thing & want to stay home.
A lot of people (like my DH's ex wife) will say "oh your dad misses you, you're going to be safe there, you are going to have fun" then she'll say "I love you, I miss you already"....and then she calls a ton of times it makes things HORRIBLE for him.

As far as sending stuffed animals, personally I don't think its something you should do, some people say "bring a pillow or a luvy for comfort" but unless this is a 2 year old, there is no need for that stuff. The child needs to learn to have special stuff at the other parents house, even their own luvy from their other parents house & feel comfy there, if you send personal stuff w/ the child to make them comfortable, you are sending the message that they are NOT going to be comfortable w/ out the items & that sends the message that you are not comfortable w/ the situation either. KWIM?

That is my personal take on the issue. I deal w/ this w/ both my bio son from my first situation (which is a great transition, I never let him take toys or anything to his dad's house, he has his stuff there & we don't discuss missing each other or anything. I DO tell him "love you, see you Sunday" and that's it). I try not to call too, unless it's a long weekend that he's gone or I have a reason to call. If you call, it sends the message that you don't trust the other parent, hence the child not trusting the situation either.

Now in my DSS' case, he takes his pillow, stuffed animals you name it comes to our house, she gives him a cell phone, calls him, the whole opposite of what I do w/ my bio-son & my ex, and the child is a wreck & crying the whole way here, demanding to talk to her (mother), sneaking calls, it's horrible to the point that we don't even try to have the child stay at our house anymore. It's a waste of energy & honestly, the entire household is upset at the end of the day so we end up taking the child home.

Again, this is from personal experience & I've seen what does work & what does NOT work. You will find what works best for you in your situation but that would be my best advice experiencing it first hand on both ends of the spectrum.

HIH, GL & keep us posted

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