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September 3rd, 2008, 05:10 PM
LouisaMarie LouisaMarie is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Vancouver, Canada
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Although it is a feeling that I would never even wish upon my own worst enemy, as I had suffered from it myself, it DOES pass. I'm telling my story as an example of a worst-case scenario, not ment to offend anyone. My story is pretty graphic, therefore, if you are prone to being easily offended, then don't read any further.

When I got pregnant with my first child, my daughter, I started experiencing really bad mood swings about four months in. I was crying about a good 70% of the time. I asked a friend of mine that had just given birth to her son if she had the same issue. She told me that it would be fine, as soon as I gave birth to my daughter, that the feeling would almost immediately go away. Little did I know that I was really about to walk into what would be the worst 18 month battle for my life.

When I gave birth to Miya, my daughter, things seemed to have gone fine for about a week. I fed and changed her, burped her, etc. But other than that, I wanted nothing to do with her emotionally. I had become completely withdrawn, I can honestly say that she spent about the first 5 months of her life in a bouncy seat. As time passed, I progressively got worse, the crying became more frequent, I started eating alot and eventually got to a point where I could barely push myself out of bed everyday. I would get up, feed her, change her, and go lay back down again. I had literally sunk so far into a black hole that I thought that I was never going to be happy or normal again. I started to resent myself for crying all the time, it also didn't help that my own mother was telling me that "this whole post partum fad was a load of garbage and to get it out of my system and just carry on and raise my daughter." I also resented myself as a mother and a person as well.

It had progressed to a point where I wanted to finally put a stop to it. On our way back from a camping trip, I tried to literally throw myself from a moving vehicle. This would be the first of THREE suicide attempts. I was taken by my boyfriend to the hospital, where they prescribed me a low doseage of Celexa. It seemed to have worked for a month or two. Now, studies reflect that in teenagers and young adults, about 1 in 5 cases experience increased thoughts of suicide when under the influence of prescribed anti depressants. As it so turned out, I was one of those few people. The medication made the crying stop, although I was now this numb shell of an individual that just wanted to die. I missed out on my daughters' first christmas, because of my second attempt after having an arguement with my boyfriend and slashing my wrists. This time, I was placed into psychiatric care for a three week term.

The attending psychiatrist assured me that it was probably because I had needed an increased dose of the anti depressant that I was on, so I went along with his advice. I was released, and once again, within about a matter of a few months, I had made my third attempt.

This time, it proved to be quite effective. I took a three month supply of my anti depressants, which, in turn, had coagulated my blood to a point where it wasn't able to pass through my organs, therefore, they had begun shutting down, one by one. I was placed on life support and had to be revived twice by way of defibrillator. Needless to say, I made it out alive. I had brain damage for two months afterward and almost completely lost my daughter. I stopped the medication and haven't had a single problem since.

I'm telling you this in detail, not to alarm any of you, but to warn you of the dangers that are associated with anti depressant medications. I'm in no way stating that it may not work for some of you, but it is also not always the best treatment. PPD is associated with the hormone withdrawal that a woman goes through upon being parted from her baby physically. Anti depressants are usually prescribed to alter and increase the chemical balance of serotonin which is released (or not released) into the brain, thus causing anxiety and depression. This could very well be caused by the hormone withdrawal, but why run to anti depressants, when, if given time, the hormones will regulate themselves again, as will serotonin levels. Anti depressants are also highly addictive in a sense that the body becomes so dependant upon them that alot of it's users become "lifers."

Speaking from personal experience, I believe that if I had given it a bit more time, gone and sought out counselling to talk with someone and cry it out, the PPD would have passed on it's own. My hormones would have regulated in time, and I wouldn't have had to go the anti depressant route, which clearly wasn't the answer.

I am also now pregnant with my second, and have experienced NONE of the feelings that I did with the first, so there's proof and reassurance that it doesn't happen with every pregnancy. I spent a while being apprehensive about getting pregnant again after what I had gone through with the first.

What I'm trying to say is, as horrible as it is for some, it DOES pass. My best advice is to surround yourselves with people that love you and talk about how you're feeling. And above all else, just love that beautiful little miracle that was granted as a gift to you.
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