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November 28th, 2008, 02:35 PM
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Location: NC
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I don't think about it too much even though my journey is never forgotten. However, I will try to get out the details as best as I can.

It started in 2005...about a year after we got married, and we decided to try for our first child. We knew we wanted at least two...maybe three children. I stopped my Nuvaring in April and didn't really start until May. Well, July came and I got my BFP!! I was soo excited. We called everyone adn told the good news. Well, I was just about to go to my step-brother's wedding which was straight across the US in CA. I was already nervous about getting on a plane, but I truly felt nothing would go wrong since I got pregnant so fast. Well, the day before the trip, I started to bleed heavily....then came the cramps. I ended up having to go to the hospital since the OB was closed at this time. Well, there was no baby there. My levels were already at 0 and the doctor there was even questioning if I was actually pregnant. I explained I tested and retested, but the pregnancy test did have a clear PREGNANT written on it since I use the ones with the screen to be safe. They said if it said I was pregnant, then I was, but I must have miscarried a while ago before I showed sings since I show no sign of having a baby. How frustrating. I felt like they were calling me a liar, but I understand that they are only going by what they can see.

Soon after that, I got really depressed. I didn't even realie I was, but I was not thinking straight. It was horrible. I wanted nothing to do with my husband and I had no real reason, I just wanted him gone. I didn't blame him for the miscarriage, but there was something missing at the time. Things got really bad. He was almost out the door before I suddenly realized that I was the one acting stupid and was about to let go of the best thing in my life. He's been so good to me...never raised his hand to me, has always treated me like I was the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, and I loved him so much. If I had let him go, I'd have lost everything we gained wince 1995 when we first started dating and a very good man. It took a while, but I regained his trust back adn we decided to give baby making another go.

I got pregnant almost immediately after starting. This time, I called my OB as soon as I saw the BFP and she decided she wanted to see me earlier to see if there is any cause for my last m/c. Well, the morning of my appointment, I started bleeding again. She had me come in and they checked my levels and I had been pregnant...just barely. UGH!!! So frustrating. I also had a UTI a day or two after we DTD, so I suspected that had something to do with it.

Well, the OB wanted me to go to an RE. I made an appointment but it was for a couple of months biggy...right? NOPE! I apparently got pregnant soon after my last m/c. Funny thing was, I got another UTI one to two days after we DTD again. I was monitored by my OB until I could see the RE. Well. Things looked like they might be working out! I reached 6 weeks and I started to see my RE, but my OB wanted to monitor me as well. At 6 weeks, I got an u/s and the HB was weak but there was one. The OB said it looked ok but wanted to see me the next week. Well, That was it. The following weak, no HB. I was offered to let it go naturally, do a D&C, or use cytotec. I felt too weird carrying a dead baby for as long as my body will hold it, and I was afraid of the D&C, so I chose to use cytotec. Well, that day came and I decided to treat myself to my favorite sandwich which was a turkey sandwich. Apparently my tummy didn't like that. I took the cytotec and started my contractions. I was just laying down with my DH with me the whole time when BOOM! A different cramp started up. My dang stomach decided it didn't like the sandwich so on top of the contractions that were getting progressively worse, my stomach was hurting me and I had trouble going to the bathroom. At least I got through it and I didn't have any troubles afterwards.

The RE set me up with a HSG and found a somewhat misshapen uterus but not one that would interfere with holding a baby. So, he wanted to look further so I went in for a lap/hystoroscopy. He found a septum and cut it out right there. It was thin so he didn't need much more than a simple camera and steady hands to do the procedure. Well, somethign happened during the procedure. Whoever was in charge of watching my health, didn't notice my left arm was dangling, because the extension my arm was strapped to had fallen down and my arm was hanging still attached to the extension creating a weight. I lost use of my arm for about three months. Thank goodness it is fine now.

Wekk, wouldn't you know it! I went to VA because we were considering moving there. I started to catch on that everytime I was pregnant, I'd have a UTI a couple of days after DTD adn yet again I had just gotten over a UTI. I figured I'd check after I get back from VA. I already had the sore boobs and started to "feel" pregnant so I was more than certain I was. I just hadn't passed my mentruation time yet so I figured I'd wait. Yet again. this time on my period due date I started to bleed. But bleed super heavy. and cramping like crazy. I could smell that familiar scent of hormones and I was filling about 4 pads in that day completely. I knew I just had a miscarriage. How depressing on a vacation nonetheless!

4 miscarriages and it's now in the middle towards the end of 2006. Well, we were not about to give up. I decided to give it one more shot. We were going to persue medical assistance if this didn't work. We tried again adn yet again, I got a UTI. Now keep in mind. I did not get a UTI when I did not get only happened when the romantic moment resulted in a pregnancy. I point this out because none of the doctors thought it had anything to do with my miscarriages. My primary care doctor thought it was interesting and wanted to look further in to it, but she was not the one watching my pregnancies. This one seemed to be sticking again. The doctor was watching me closely. The first u/s was a good strong heartbeat. The baby's size was measuring one week behind, but not too alarming. However, with my history, they wanted a second look the following week. They gave me the go ahead, meanwhile to travel to NY for my father's 65th not-so-surprise birthday party (he knew about it). I told everyone and showed them the ultrasounds. We all were so sure things were going to work out!!! The following week, back at home, I'm at about 8 weeks which was the longest I ever lasted. I went in with high hopes for this u/s and felt very secure about what I was about to see. Well, maybe not. There was a blob, no body, just a blob. A big blob measuring at 6 weeks. WHAT?!?! The doctors don't know what happened but there was no heartbeat and no movement. The blob was probably the placenta. I was devastated! This time, I went for a D&C since I still felt awkward about carrying a dead baby around...too sad for me, and I do not want to try cytotec again.

I'm not faced with moving on to a different way of having a baby. We discussed IUI and Clomid. He felt I didn't need Clomid since it was obvious I'm ovulating on my own. I had no conceivable reason not to get pregnant so it was just a matter of encouraging the process. I didn't want to try IUI since I knew I was a fertile myrtle and I kept missing my miscarriages which means my uterus knows how to hold on to things really well. Good chance I'd carry more than 2 babies and I didn't want to have to face reductions. There was no way I could chose something like that. So my only other option was IVF. We got on a program to assist in payment of the IVF since my insurance doesn't cover the actual retrieval and transfer which was very expensive. I went through the protocols and whatever else I had to do and took a looksee at my ovaries. I only made 8 follicles. We decided it only takes one to work so we went forward. Only one egg split and we transferred that one. I ended with a blighted ovum. D&C again for miscarriage #6.

We really were at the end of our rope. We decided let's try one more time. The doctor changed the amount of meds for a more aggressive treatment. This time we made 14, 11 retrieved, 9 splits, 5 were excellent with 3 of them split to 8 cells. We chose two of those and transferred those. Those two embryos became our two little miracle boys we have today. Had this not worked out, we were facing adoption. We never regretted trying that last time. It was so worth it and I will never look back at any of this negatively because I now have the two most beautiful babies I have ever seen. This was the journey I had to take. I hated so much having those miscarriages and constantly feeling like I was failing myself, but it only gave me more determination to keep trying because it was something I wanted so badly.
Eliza - Wife to husband, Jason. Mother to twin boys, Cameron and Kiefer (6-24-08)

I love my Peanut M&Ms Cameron & Kiefer!!Eliza's Blog
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