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January 16th, 2009, 10:04 AM
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SamuelsMommy SamuelsMommy is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Indiana
Posts: 16,541
Wow! That's a very bad situation to say the least. It doesn't sound like there is going to be any meeting of the minds any time soon. My ILs are no where near that bad but I learned a couple things a long time ago, complaining about them to DH gets me nowhere. He always defends his mom with excuses for her behavior even when I know he knows she is wrong. So I pretty much keep it to myself and tell my mom! LOL If it's not getting you anywhere you might as well save your breathe when it comes to DH and take away that tension. You also can't do anything about what they say to him about you. Hopefully one day he will see the truth about what is happening but you aren't going to be the one to do that. When it comes to how they treat you, you may need to take the approach of simply walking away when they are saying mean or disrespectful things. If DH or someone asks, tell them that the things being said were untrue/mean and hurt your feelings and that you don't have to listen to it. If he starts to fight with you over it, hold up your hand, and say, I don't want to fight with you over it, you asked why I left, that's my reason whether you agree with it or not, I don't want to discuss it. And just stay away until they either leave or you leave or the dynamic shifts, like it's now time to eat, etc. I've also learned that it's best not to mention gifts by my family. My MIL always complains that she can't buy him anything because of how much my mom buys. Right. That's a load of you know what. Yes, my parents spoil him, but my ILs are welcome to buy anything they want. Like you I've never once said a negative thing about something they have bought him no matter how odd or age inappropriate it may be. Really, my ILs have way more money than my parents and my parents have other grandchildren but my MIL doesn't want to admit that her priorities are herself before anything else so she spends extravagent amounts on her clothing, jewelry, vacations with FIL etc and coming to see us or buying things for her grandchild are very low on that list. So, I only mention things when asked, like I know she'll ask about the huge Kota the Dinosaur that he has when they come so I say, yes, my parents bought it, and drop it. I never bring it up. I know it's hard to be civil when they are so mean and it's hard to deal with a DH who isn't on your side, but what other choice is there? Stooping to their level and fighting constantly with your DH isn't going to help things either. There may be a point where it's so bad that you can't be around them ever, but there may be consequences for your marriage if you do so, so you will have to weigh the costs and benefits. Counseling for you and DH may be beneficial too if he's willing. Sometimes hearing from someone else that he isn't supporting you can be the best thing. Hugs! We're always here too!

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