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May 6th, 2009, 07:38 AM
grlpisces's Avatar
grlpisces grlpisces is offline
Dynamite w/ a laser beam
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: 32.918289,-97.272266
Posts: 1,758
When I was pregnant with the twins ... boy did I ever envision the future with both of them in it, from how I'd play some upbeat music and all of us would dance silly around the living room down to when they were teenagers and would want to start their own band up until they became adults on their wedding day.

What an absolute kick in the *** that all became the moment the perinatologist told me he couldn't find Noah's heartbeat. It was like a bullet punching a hole through the glass, and just watching that glass shatter in front of me. None of those fantasies were ever going to come true, ever.

So now, I take life day by day. I have no visions of Julia's future; I just love her and hug her and enjoy her in the moment. I have no visions of the new baby; I just go to sleep at night thanking God that I had another pregnant day. Heck, I can't even bring myself to get attached to this pregnancy yet because I don't even know what's going on behind the scenes --- is there a fetal pole? Is there a heartbeat? Is there even a gestational sac? Will this result in a live birth?

It sucks like mad to live this way, but I gues I cherish things more this way also

Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!

I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).

*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
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