Topic: feeling alone
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June 30th, 2009, 01:03 AM
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LisaB LisaB is offline
Mom to twins + 1
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Carmel, CA
Posts: 5,872
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Thanks for listening, in advance. I am just feeling overwhelmed and alone these days. I have 10-month-old twin girls, and I work from home full time. Before the girls were born, I enlisted help from my mother and stepfather, who said they could come by 3 days/week to help out when my husband was at work (he works 3 24-hour shifts per week).

My mother practically begged me to be my childcare. She did the same for my brother, and was great at it, so I happily agreed. She said she could come every day my husband was at work except for the days she was teaching, so those days I would need to hire a sitter. Which is at most 1 day/week.

But of course nothing worked as planned. Even when my husband is home, he's not much of a baby sitter. I'm constantly hearing a miserable baby crying and I have to intervene. He forgets to feed them & other basic stuff which boggles my mind. How do you ignore basic baby needs like feeding or nap time? He also parks himself on the couch, watching golf, while the kids entertain themselves on the ground below. Well, if I was going to let the girls play alone watching TV all day, I could do that by myself!

Then there's my mother. My stepfather is wonderful; he loves the girls, interacts with them, is helpful and respectful of my wishes as the girls' mom. My mom, on the other hand, does what she wants and does not listen to me. She is constantly bullying me throughout the day and so I literally get NO work done. NONE. If I finish putting a baby to sleep and sneak back into my office to try and do some work, she hears the floorboards creaking and catches me before I even sit down. Why would she do this? She makes her own excuses - the other baby is fussy & wants mommy to put her to bed too, is her usual line. But I know it's not true, especially if that baby just woke up an hour before. What she REALLY wants, and she's told me many times which is how I know, is for me to quit my job and be a SAHM as opposed to a WAHM. But, my husband and I can't afford this, and in this economy I shouldn't throw a perfectly good telecommuting job away.

So I am constantly sabotaged by my mother, who by the way assured me she wanted nothing more than to help out with the girls when they were born, and reassured me that I wouldn't have to quit my job or hire a sitter full time. Just like she did for my brother when his daughter was born (he and his wife are also telecommuters). Guess what? I now have to hire a sitter full-time. On top of that, my mother charges me $100/week for gas and her time. She never charged my brother one dime, and she helped him EVERY DAY.

Then there's my husband, who just ignores my requests for parenting my way and does it his way, which results in miserable, screaming babies who need Mommy to comfort & calm them down. Their schedules also get so out of whack when he's in charge (meals & naps not on time or skipped entirely) that they don't go to bed on time, and I end up being the one trying to put them down between the hours of 7-11pm. Sometimes midnight.

And only then, because the rest of the house is asleep, can I actually get work done.

Reading this I know it seems obvious - fire the mom as babysitter, and get a night nanny. When I was pg, my mom promised me she would come 3 days/week. She still does this, but she now comes around 5pm and helps put the girls to bed. That's all. Tonight, she didn't even do that - at 11pm, when both girls were still up & crying (I have no idea why), she said "I give up, I'm going to bed!" and abandoned me.

She never abandoned my niece or my brother. It hurts my feelings that my mom offered the same child care for my brother when he and his wife both telecommuted from home, and she never charged them. She also never nagged them to leave their jobs & never constantly harassed them while they were working. I'm one of those quiet nice types who never says anything, which I think has made her not respect me or my wishes.

I am just at the point where I am so sad I cry all the time and I snap at everyone around me. I feel completely alone as a mother and caregiver. The only person who helps me is my stepfather, and he only does when my mom isn't looking. The only other person who helps is the babysitter who I pay. Actually I pay both of them.

Why is it that my brother can work full time and no one constantly nags him and makes him feel an inch tall for leaving his daughter for even one minute to work? I don't see him working at midnight trying to get his work done. No one in the family charged him for child care. It's not fair I should be made to feel like a bad mother when I spend a lot of time with my girls. It's not like they're in day care where I don't see them for hours on end. I breastfeed both of them; I play with them often throughout the day; I put them down for every nap, which is at least a 1/2 hour of reading, nursing and singing.

This sucks. I love my girls, and so I feel held hostage by my love for them. I could never abandon them to a bad babysitter like my husband, so I'm stuck in this situation I guess. I suppose a lot of mothers feel this way. I'm just so tired, I never get to sleep or even sit down to rest. I never get any me time or have any fun. Today I had to run an errand for my husband and my mother let me escape for a while (but said I had to be back in 45 minutes), and I turned up the music and felt a feeling I hadn't had in a long time - happiness. Where is the old me who used know how to have fun and enjoy life?

Anyway, if you've read this far I'd be surprised but I appreciate it. I'm sorry it's redundant and goes on forever, I'm really sleep deprived is my only excuse. I feel like I"m going to just crumble one day. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. Thanks for reading this.

Me: Lisa, Mommy to twins +1
8/5/08 Beautiful twin girls Leigh and Lucy born after 4-year struggle with RPL & 6 losses
12/10/09 Surprise! Baby #3 is on the way, EDD 6/22/10

12/29/09 2nd ultrasound - joining team blue

6/16/10 Baby Ben is born!

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