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September 14th, 2004, 11:16 PM
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for anyone who is remotely interested....

me and my sons father have been together since april 16th 2001, which was only a couple of days after my previous boyfriend broke up with me(me and him were together for 1 1/2 and were like best friends for like 4 years before that so i guess i was on the rebound)...for the first o lets say 8 or 9 months every thing was gravy...he treated me like gold, ie...bought me things said sweet things, cried when i cried, etc.... thing to that nature...then id say around the time i got pregnant with the first baby(which i ended up miscarrying) things started to change...first it was just the words he would say...then a push and a its escalated so much that i can harldy keep focus of whats really going on....while i was nine months pregnant with my last son he broke my ear drum,..after i had my son...3 days after exactly he left across country with his cousin who get a PIMP and also the "godfather" of my first son(at least thats what he thinks) he didnt call for 2 weeks because he said he knew i would be mad and he didnt want to deal with that...then he said that he went down there to pimp also with some girls that he took down there with him....he stayed gone for 5 weeks and came back with new clothes and 3 new pairs of shoes and not ONE article of clothing for his son...after he came back he has given me a couple of black eyes, and the grand daddy of all....beat me with a broom stick...although i cant say that
im totally innocent since i fight back but i believe that self defense...anyway i just moved back to IL a couple of days ago since he beat me with the broomstick but i just found out i was pregnant!:*( its not fair...i was sooooo ready to move on and this pops up...i hate being alone when im pregnant...when i was pregnant with my first son i had to go to a shelter for 2 months, then i finally got my own apt in IL and he told me to move back up there with him so i left EVERYTHING in my apt but a bag of clothes and took the greyhound with the little bit of money that i had gotten with my last check...and for what? i found out 3 weeks later that he was cheating on me with a girl that lived next door! come to find out he gave me a std while i was 6 months pregnant but i didnt know that until i went to the hospital because i just knew something wasnt right...thats when he admitted to it....then a year later the girl said that she was going to have his baby...after all that i left him for 4 months and he tried KILLING himself! he was in the mental hospital for a week...but in those four months i met a guys and unexpectedly got pregnant( i was on the pill AND used condoms)...after that happened the guy and i went our seperate ways because he said he thought it was my first baby's fathers baby and not his which was not true....but so my boyfriend and i got back together after he knew that i was pregnant and everything...someone told me that if he was there for me when i delievered, it meant he really loved me because it wasnt his baby....but its not like i cheated on him or anything........ive been with him so long i dont know anything else...i say to myself that i love him but i dont know if love is
enough....i know whoever is reading this is like "why didnt she call the cops and press charges or something?" but i have...i even went to the district attorney when he broke my ear drum when i was nine months pregnant and the district attorney didnt think that it was serious enough to press charges and take it to a jury trial....its like if i could just get him in jail, i wouldnt be able to run back to him....but the police arent about nothing in milwaukee....i cant seem to find even an advocate whose on my side...they told me that it would be a waste of my time to get a restraining order! so i so confused right now because i just got off the phone with him and i know hes sweet talkin me but i cant help but wonder "what if""...what if hes really changing?...i havent told him im pregnant yet but ive been hinting little things like "what if i became pregnant again what would we do?" and he said "man, you'd need to get an abortion we cant afford another one", but he hasnt worked a job in over 2 years! that 700 dollars a month only goes so far. i dont believe in abortion...and i was thinking about adoption with my second child but i just couldnt do it....i feel extremely not trying to feel bad for myself because i know ive made bad choices but i dont know where to go and what to do to make it better...i think i know but i need to be sure...i cant tell my family about this new baby either...i waited until i was nine months to tell my mom and grandparents with my second son...only my aunt, best friend and boyfriend knew about it beforehand...and know that i JUST had a baby....theyd probably disown me or something....i feel like im ######ed if i do and ######ed if i next week i was supposed to start a training program for culinary arts and i was taking assesment tests for college...but now i moved back down here so i feel like i have to start all over again....the only thing i own really is my car which breaks down every few days....i know that if i could just stick it out at a shelter in milwaukee for a few months id have money saved and probably a house of my own...but i dont want to do that again especially with 2 babies...ok i think im done typing.........
<~desperate for advice
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