JustMommies Message Boards

JustMommies Message Boards (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/)
-   2011 Playroom (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1833-2011-playroom/)
-   -   Husband first? (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1833-2011-playroom/2578439-husband-first.html)

mom2more September 28th, 2012 08:23 AM

Husband first?
What do you all think of this article?

Putting Your Husband First | Story | Glo

I thought it was pretty true. I mean kids are important and you need to take care of their needs. But I don't see why that can't be done while making your marriage a priority too :) I do think that a happy marriage makes a happy family.

Mama.Angie September 28th, 2012 08:40 AM

Re: Husband first?
It's an interesting read. I don't disagree with what is being said, I don't think I'd put it that way for my own life though. Not quite. The way my DH and myself see things is that family comes first, but that means all of us. Us, and the kids. Within that, we put our own relationship and love as sort of a foundation for our kids, it holds our family together so to speak. It shows our kids the example of how we want them to be in a relationship one day, how they deserve to be treated and loved. Does that make sense? I haven't had my coffee this morning... Anyhow, I liked the read, thanks for sharing. :)

~*Nicole*~ September 28th, 2012 08:51 AM

Re: Husband first?
I definitely think it's true! I also think that some of the people in the article are taking the idea out of context. Putting your spouse first does NOT mean neglecting the needs of your children. I see putting your husband first as cultivating that relationship and working together on the same team so that you are a united front FOR your children. DH and I have been having a hard time lately, arguing a lot and not spending much time together and this article is just what I needed to remind me to push him to the front :)

HeatherLopez September 28th, 2012 08:51 AM

Re: Husband first?

I have to disagree with this one. To say that hubby comes first somehow insinuates that he takes priority over the babies. He doesn't. I'm a mother first, and a wife second. I brought these babies into this world and it is MY job to make sure they develop into secure individuals. I want them to know that I love them with everything I am, and no one, not even their Daddy, is MORE important to me than they are. Does that mean I ignore my husband, and the girls will always get what they want? No. Of course not.

The part " Another commenter points out the positive impact that comes from raising children in a home with parents who choose to put their marriage first." Really irks me. Can you not have a good marriage if you make your children your first priority???? I just don't understand it. Are they saying that the more I love my kids, the less I love my husband? Because, to me the two are not really realted.

I think you can model a healthy marriage without making your children feel like they are less important.

mandy5586 September 28th, 2012 08:55 AM

Re: Husband first?
My daughter comes first. As in, if my husband and daughter are both sick or hungry, my daughter gets fed first. My husband can take care of himself while my daughter cannot. She depends on me (us). But I am a strong believer in Husband/Wife time. I believe my relationship with my husband is very important. If I didn't have him, I wouldn't have her. I think that, As Angie said, we model the type of relationship we want Brynlee to have in the (far away) future. I want her to see a loving, caring marriage. I want her to see teamwork. I don't want her to see Mommy doing all of the chores, cooking, and cleaning while Daddy watches TV. (Sometimes that's a battle lol)

It was a good read, but I don't really agree with everything written.

~Rae~ September 28th, 2012 09:32 AM

Re: Husband first?
My marriage comes first.
Putting your marriage first, to me, means FIRST creating and maintaining a solid foundation which is your family. You do this by working every single day to keep the marriage strong. Just as I believe mom has to make sure she is healthy and strong to be a better mother to her children, I also believe a marriage needs to be healthy and strong to take care of the children. My husband is an extension of me, and I of him. It may be cliche, but we are one; WE have to make sure that WE are healthy so that our children have beautiful, peaceful lives. You put your marriage first, and everything else falls into place. Layla will learn what to expect and demand from a partner, and Xavier will learn how to PROPERLY love a woman.

Our children will learn the proper order of things. They are loved, well taken care, every need is met, nearly every want is met, but our marriage is paramount. Because our marriage is top priority, our kids grow up in a loving, stable environment. There is no greater gift we can give our children. When kids do not respect the order of things, they sometimes grow up creating a wedge between the parents by playing them against each other, then divorce happens. Or one parent, usually the mother, uses the kid as a crutch throughout the child's entire life at home, and guess what happens when the kid leaves for college? Depression, loneliness, divorce. Or worse, the kid begins to resent the mother because she's constantly in his or her business when she should be taking care of her own home. I've seen it happen time and time again.

Now some women get it twisted and put their LOVE LIFE before the needs of their children, and that's not right. I've seen women shirk their motherly duties just so they can go out and date and tend to some guy. That's pathetic.

babi_lovin11 September 28th, 2012 09:52 AM

Re: Husband first?
I kinda agree actually, My kids come first in many aspects like their health and such, but in general I do try and focus a lot of time into our marriage. Like for instance I hate going to bed alone, so even if I fall asleep on the couch while DH is watching tv Im still with him, cuddled up into his lap. Or if he goes to bed and Im not sleepy, I'll go to bed, cuddle him while he falls asleep and watch tv on my phone. I dono its maybe those little things that make ME feel loved and I hope it does the same for him. I also leave love notes for him all the time whenever he leaves to go away for a few weeks at work, I hide them in his wallet, or if he goes down in the woods hunting I leave a note in his lunch box just to make him smile and hopefully think about me.

For me I think there should be a healthy balance, for example on a Friday night we have family night, we all stay up, watch a movie and play but Saturday night is mommy and daddy night, put the kids to bed at 8, then we play cards or darts, or watch a movie and have a glass of wine or two. If you spend all day apart then your kids are up all night, or you go to bed at 9 while your DH stays up until 1 or 2 am, where is the communication? I NEED to make time for us. I do make it a priority to focus on our relationship.

Sometimes I feel like I put more effort into working on my marriage than I do with kid stuff because with the kids it comes naturally and easily. I have to work at our marriage or we'll end up like another statistic and be divorced. Also if I notice that our conversation is generally only geared towards the kids I change it up. Don't get me wrong I love talking about my kids BUT I think me and My DH need to have common ground that doesnt focus on the children 24/7.

However I would never say My kids come first then my husband. My family comes first and in that we are all included :)

w292737 September 28th, 2012 10:31 AM

Re: Husband first?
I might feel different if I was married ot the father of my children, but I'm not. so I don't agree. My kids come first, always have and always will. then S will come after that and our relationship.
not to say that our family as a whole unit isn't important, as I try to do that, but my relationship with my daughters will always be my top priority.

wingqueen26 September 28th, 2012 11:19 AM

Re: Husband first?
I read the article. Not letting the children come into bed with you and your spouse doesnt seem like a big sacrifice, but I doubt that would make my husband think he came first. I won't let Adele into bed with us and never will. I want my bedroom all to myself. One room in a house should be childless! I also relish the idea of a vacation with just my spouse not that we've had one with Adele yet either but we barely have any time to spend together. When you have family sit for you during the work week, it is hard to ask to watch on the weekends, too.

mccaroline September 28th, 2012 11:32 AM

Re: Husband first?
I haven't read the article either, but as far as children or husband coming first. I have to say that DH and I have had to learn to put each other first. I used to say that my children came first, that put a huge strain on our relationship and we went to a very bad place and were actually separated for a bit. We did some counseling, learned how to put each other first and we both are happier and our relationship is stronger than it has ever been. I'm not saying I neglect my children, that if a child is sick that they are pushed aside for DH.

DH gets the shower first so it's not messed up by the kids or out of hot water, he gets his meals served first, then the kids then me, things like that. It's important for me to have a happy husband, in exchange he goes out of his way to make me a happy wife. From experiance, when we are both happy the kids are much happier too.

navywifey2003 September 28th, 2012 11:38 AM

Re: Husband first?
I dont know if its the nature of our relationship but we have been together 9 years and married for 6 got pregnant with David on our honeymoon so not much time married just us. I dont feel we need to put that much work into it. We spend a lot of time together just the 2 of us, we may not go out on dates but we dont feel the need to. The weekends we watch movies together enjoy a glass of wine ect. We spend a lot of time talking to each other after the kids are in bed. They go to bed early enough that we have plenty of time to connect with each other. It may be the fact that we have spent so much time apart or we have a different type of relationship so I am not really sure. But we both agree in almost every aspect our children come first.

irishblessing September 28th, 2012 11:47 AM

Re: Husband first?
I agree with pretty much everything Rae wrote.

Dixana September 28th, 2012 12:00 PM

Re: Husband first?
I dont know that I agree that your spouse should come first always, but I DO know that focusing mainly on the children and not on each other causes major strain on a relationship.
I can say without question that not making time for each other, not putting each other first at least sometimes has caused a lot of resentment in my relationship, which slowly turned into the relationship falling apart completely.
Couples NEED to continue doing the "little things" that made them fall in love in the first place even after many years and several children.
Like Rae said, if you and your spouse only focus on the kids, whats left once the kuds are gone? Two people who no longer have any connection just living together.
If someone had shown me this article 2-3 years ago, I might not be where I am right now.

tricia_16_ September 28th, 2012 12:30 PM

Re: Husband first?
I don't agree. I don't think DH would either. I think we BOTH put Kaylee first, each other second, and ourselves third... and in my opinion that's the way it should be. If there was ever a fire/emergency or something and I could only save Kaylee or DH, it would be Kaylee without hesitation. I would be pissed if DH wouldn't say the same thing.

That being said, we have always managed to take time for ourselves, too. We do date nights at least once a month (or did before he lost his job...), we watch shows together on TV and discuss them, and every single night after Kaylee is in bed we read together in bed and talk about our day before the lights go out.

So while I do think the kids should come first, I don't think that makes our marriage any worse than people who think otherwise.

~Rae~ September 28th, 2012 12:42 PM

Re: Husband first?
It's the relationship. Not the well being. Not who eats first if there is only one meal. Not who gets meds first. Not who gets on a raft first if you're on a boat & it sinks. In those situations, obviously children, & not just my own, come first.
In terms of the RELATIONSHIP, we nurture the bond between husband & wife first since our kids benefit from this. Who wouldn't benefit from parents who are still madly in love after 50 years? If you talk to any couple who have been together 40-50 years, they'll tell you that they survived by clinging to each other through everything that came their way without ever an exception.
Tim's parents were married 32 years, then divorced the year we got married. Their marriage fell apart after he left for college. Once she could no longer live through her only son (I wasn't having that) she realized there was no marriage. She told me, and I quote "once Tim came, we were always only parents. I just didn't know for years."
She's one example. Not happening to me or mine.

Dee Darling 3 September 28th, 2012 12:47 PM

Re: Husband first?
Having watched my parents and my IL's now for many years, I can say that it is important to not just focus on the kids. My mom did/has and as a result their relationship is more of roommates than husband & wife. My IL's on the other hand still go out on dates and vacation together as well as do their own thing. Kids/grandkids are important, but not the focus of their lives.

We (DH and I) don't get date nights often, but we try to have time together (even just cozying up together to watch a movie) that's just for us. We try to not just have family time (which we do have too), but us time. We both see what happens if you don't. As the kids get older, it becomes easier in some ways to have that time.

w292737 September 28th, 2012 01:56 PM

Re: Husband first?
I think there is a big difference in those that are in a relationship for the kids sake, and those that are in a happy relationship and have kids and put kids first.

For me, S and I have a great relationship and foundation for our family (though it's been a bit rocky since he hasn't always been here) and I know that our relationship needs to be strong to last past the kids moving out, but while the kids are little and need me, I'll be there for them. I'll nurture them first, and our relationship second, not only because he is new and came after them, but because I beleive he is a grown man who can understand that I am a mother before I am a partner. and he can wait his turn for my attention/time and affection.

he gets love and affection, but he knows most of it comes after the babies are in bed, and he gets his time to talk with me, after the needs of the babies are meet and so on.

I think everyone is saying the same thing, just differently :)

~*Nicole*~ September 28th, 2012 02:27 PM

Re: Husband first?
Rae said it perfectly. Of course, you should always get your kids out first if there's a fire or other life threatening situation. A man can take care of himself for that!


If you talk to any couple who have been together 40-50 years, they'll tell you that they survived by clinging to each other through everything that came their way without ever an exception.
I totally agree. My grandparents were married almost 52 years when my grandpa passed away and they were in love until the end. They still held hands and kissed for no reason and I know that when my mom and her sister were growing up, they were an unbreakable team.

mccaroline September 28th, 2012 03:09 PM

Re: Husband first?
I think there is a big difference in what is meant by putting your husband first, and the way people are taking it. Of course in the case of a fire, or insert your choice of extreme emergency here, you would have to save the baby who could not save herself. That doesn't mean you don't put your DH first.

To me putting my DH first means remembering the little things that we did for each other before kids, like serving his meal first, but that doesn't mean that the nights when dinner is late and the kids are cranky he doesn't help me and we both feed the kids first then we eat later. It's like this new job of his, it's a fantastic opportunity for him, not ideal for me or the kids, but I would never tell him to turn it down and try to find a job that would be easier for me and the kids. It's watching his war movies over my choice of chick flicks, it's letting my hair grow long the way he likes it even though its easier to keep neat when it's short, it's making his favourite meal at least once a week and not always eating kid friendly food, taking time just for him to tell me about his day and truely listening to him without being intrupted by the kids. To me putting DH first means that my kids don't run my life and remembering that I wouldn't even have these great kids and the life we have if it weren't for him. I make an extra effort to make sure he knows he's the most important person in my life. It's way too easy to get caught up in kids activities, and kids needs and kids wants and to put your DH and ultimately your relationship on the back burner, that's not a good place for it to be.

navywifey2003 September 28th, 2012 03:30 PM

Re: Husband first?
My parents have been married for 28 years in December and her kids were always first. My parents still make kisses faces at each other and make sexual iniendo jokes. They are very much in love to this day. They both worked and had 2 days a week off together with us as well. My sister and I have moved out nothing has changed. My parents putting us first has made my relationship with my parents very strong ( not saying others are not). I talk to my mom on the phone everyday and can tell her anything. I think every relationship is different and while putting your kids or husband first might not work for some it works for us. Like for me I'm not going to watch a war movie because he wants to, sorry cant stand them or food him first we are a family and we eat as one. Kyles family was the opposite and he did not have a happy childhood.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:44 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright © 2003-2012 JustMommies.com, All Rights Reserved.