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iamkc May 5th, 2012 09:50 AM

Jessica's Journal for Sanity
Or insanity, of course.

This baby is a surprise baby for us, and we couldn't be happier! I have had multiple miscarriages. We tried for two years to get pregnant with our first son. Our second was a "prevented surprise" as well. I almost died after our first son, thanks to excessive bleeding, a kidney infection, and incompetent doctors. My second pregnancy was riddled with problems, but the high risk clinic never seemed bothered. Our second son was born extremely small, had a genetic disorder, and several other medical problems. I am stuck with the same group of doctors for this pregnancy, and I know that they put no worth in early pregnancy. I live in Alabama, and obstetrics is decades behind here. I'm already looking forward to moving to another state during pregnancy just so I don't have to deal with them here.

I am going to drive myself crazy with this pregnancy, especially early on, because of my track record. I'm an optimist, for sure, but this whole pregnancy business brings out the worrier in me. I have 2 beautiful boys, and for that, I am grateful. But I feel like my luck may have run out with them. We tried so hard for so long with so many heartbreaks. Then 2 pregnancies and 2 babies. I have everything crossed that this one sticks. While we didn't plan for him/her, we are simply thrilled.

Today, I think that I should be right at 5 weeks, but I'm thinking that I might be a little further along than that, just by a few days. Maybe 4 days ago, my boobs stopped being sore. They have moments of feeling "different", but that change frightens me. I'm crampy, hungry, and so tired, I can hardly stand it. I'm emotional and a little nauseous now and then. At night, my legs and feet start cramping terribly, and my headaches get worse. I hate to say that I am hoping hard for these symptoms to get worse. I know that I'll regret saying that at some point, but for now, this is what I want!

I need to find out how to get the soonest appointment that I can!

iamkc May 5th, 2012 10:15 AM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
This is the only picture I have of my BFP! I had taken 2 Dollar Tree tests and had gotten NOTHING! (I've since read that there are often problems with false negatives with those.) Before making an appointment for a possible infection (not getting my period), I decided to try a different brand, an equate HPT. It came up IMMEDIATELY and was this dark!


I spent all day trying to tell DH without the 2 little sets of ears around. I finally had to throw the test at him before he saw the prenatals in the shopping bag with the diapers. Very romantic, I know. :p

iamkc May 6th, 2012 09:33 AM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
At what should be 5 weeks, my beta was 889 and the ultrasound showed nothing. I had to go to the ER for a weird gush of fluid. I'm hoping that it's early and I might be a slow doubler. I'm hoping that my O date or implantation date is just a little later than we thought. The number falls within the 5 weeks range, but not by much. The doctor had me terrified that I was about to undergo emergency surgery for an ectopic, so I'm excited that it's not that, but I really feel like that ER needs a doctor experiences in OB matters! He was Googling everything and using the first sets of numbers that he could find. *I* could do that; I just didn't have the fancy medical equipment!

The nurses were MUCH kinder this time than they have been in the past when I've gone to the ER for pregnancy issues. "Nothing there. Go home and bleed." Not the best bedside manner. Last night, everyone was kind and encouraging. I truly appreciated it. Let's just hope that I don't need their services again!

iamkc May 7th, 2012 11:03 AM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
So through some Facebook detective work (weird, I know), I think that I figured out that I must have conceived one or 2 days later (at least) than I thought. This gives me hope. Now, I just have to wait until I get the follow-up and see how things have progressed.

In the meantime, I'm having some serious problems with anxiety. I need to figure out how to calm down! My boobs did start hurting a little last night, so I had a glimmer of hope. I think that my heart rate went down a little after that. Hahahaahaha I'm pathetic.

sweet.hun May 7th, 2012 11:08 AM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity

Originally Posted by iamkc (Post 25999835)
So through some Facebook detective work (weird, I know), I think that I figured out that I must have conceived one or 2 days later (at least) than I thought. This gives me hope. Now, I just have to wait until I get the follow-up and see how things have progressed.

In the meantime, I'm having some serious problems with anxiety. I need to figure out how to calm down! My boobs did start hurting a little last night, so I had a glimmer of hope. I think that my heart rate went down a little after that. Hahahaahaha I'm pathetic.

Through facebook?! That is weird. Do you have a tracker app on there or something?

iamkc May 7th, 2012 11:15 AM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
Um...no. Hehehehehehehehehehehe I posted about it down in the regular forum. I remembered thinking about the image of our stuffed cobra Kitty wearing granny panties and fitted with a fart machine during sex. I laughed so hard we had to quit for a minute. That image came from a Facebook conversation with a friend, so I went back to find the conversation. It was on April 15th! Here I had been assuming that I O'd on the 14th (still possible), but I think that it was really the 15th or 16th.

I'm not telling ANYONE for a while, and I'm so terrified that I'll somehow copy and paste the wrong thing to FB or otherwise expose myself (pregnancy-wise, I mean)!

And we all know how much difference even one day can make! My sanity depends on me figuring this out until I can get in for another appointment. :)

sweet.hun May 7th, 2012 12:01 PM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity

Originally Posted by iamkc (Post 25999938)
Um...no. Hehehehehehehehehehehe I posted about it down in the regular forum. I remembered thinking about the image of our stuffed cobra Kitty wearing granny panties and fitted with a fart machine during sex. I laughed so hard we had to quit for a minute. That image came from a Facebook conversation with a friend, so I went back to find the conversation. It was on April 15th! Here I had been assuming that I O'd on the 14th (still possible), but I think that it was really the 15th or 16th.

I'm not telling ANYONE for a while, and I'm so terrified that I'll somehow copy and paste the wrong thing to FB or otherwise expose myself (pregnancy-wise, I mean)!

And we all know how much difference even one day can make! My sanity depends on me figuring this out until I can get in for another appointment. :)

Me too, I'm purposely avoiding my facebook page because I'm afraid I'll let it slip. LOL

iamkc May 7th, 2012 12:15 PM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
I know! My aunt posted on my page to ask about my ER trip the other night (which I had said was for a UTI) because she saw my son at my grandparents' house. Immediately, other friends and family were posting and asking. I had to delete it. Hahahahahaha A friend wants to take me for dinner and drinks for a late birthday celebration. I might have to let her know. Another is signing family up for a walk-a-thon in a couple of months, but I know that the heat and pregnancy and I don't mix well. I'm working on excuses for a lot of things already! It's going to be a long couple of months!

iamkc May 8th, 2012 09:24 PM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
I went on Saturday to the ER. Yesterday was Monday. I called for a follow-up. I called again today. I finally got someone, but I can't get in touch with the person who makes those appointments until next week! Some follow-up! I'm hoping that some nice person takes pity on my crazy, pregnant soul and calls back sooner! I just can't believe that there's only one person in the whole county who makes those appointments! We're the most populous county in the state, for Pete's sake! I'm a little surprised that pregnant women aren't rioting. Maybe I'll start.

We also found out today that we're moving to Wyoming instead of South Dakota. I looked, and it seems that the only hospital around does not allow for VBACs, so we'll be having a c-section. I did so poorly with the last c-section that I'm already nervous. I also realized today that I need to be assessed for an incompetent cervix. Hooray. BUT at the end of it all, I'd gladly have 100 c-sections and 100 cerclages if it meant that I got the baby at the end of it all! :wub:

I am discovering that I'm cramping more this time with more activity. It goes away when I lie down and drink water, so I might just be more "sensitive" this time around. Again. I. Don't. Care. As long as the little one sticks and gets here healthy and happy in January! (And being careful not to damage Mom too much in the process would be nice, too!)

iamkc May 9th, 2012 08:32 PM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
A little scare today. OK, for me, a big scare. I'm 5w2d, and I saw a small spot of something orange on the toilet paper. I'm hoping that it actually came from my shirt, the counter (dropping onto the TP), or something like that. I have had no bad cramps, and I have had absolutely no spotting other than that, if it was spotting at all. It would be hilarious if I'm getting worked up over a pizza crumb, construction paper, or other similarly NOT-blood thing. But for an already-jumpy pregnant woman, that's all it took. I've stayed in bed and kept hydrated. My boobs are less sore, but I'm more tired. Of course, stress isn't helping that!

I still have not managed to get a follow-up appointment to make sure that this pregnancy is progressing well. I'm so scared. I want to enjoy every minute. If this pregnancy fails, I want to have had great memories of the excitement and joy that this one brought up. If it goes well, I want to be able to say that I celebrated from the beginning. *sigh* It's so hard. This pregnancy thing is not for wimps.

iamkc May 10th, 2012 11:59 PM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
I at least received a call-back from the care coordinator, but I didn't get to speak to her. I returned her call. I'm taking bets on how long it will take for her to call back. The sad part is that she's not even the right person to talk to. Harumph. I'm wondering how that office would react to me just showing up and insisting that I do, in fact, have an appointment. "No, really, but let me just slip into the ultrasound room to check something..." The way they run that place, that wouldn't be too difficult. This means that I will not have a follow-up for a Saturday night ER visit until at least a week and a half later!!! (Tomorrow is Friday, and I don't know that the care coordinator will actually call back by then to make an early week appointment.)

I'm nervous today because I've had weird pains. I'm attributing them to gas and the interstitial cystitis because of where they're centered, but my poor nerves can't take much more! I was also standing quite a bit today, but I've had very few actual cramps, unless they're hidden in all the other cramping. My boobs hurt when I took off my bra. I was exhausted and off-and-on hungry and nauseous, so I'm going to try to take ANY symptoms as a good sign, even if I don't feel like they're strong enough or are tapering too much or for too long.

Can we just fast-forward to the heartbeat ultrasound? I don't want to rush this pregnancy, as it will certainly be the last, but for that reason, I'm especially anxious. For something so unplanned, we sure love it a ridiculous amount. Poor DH is probably getting tired of me saying, "I'll be so sad if this doesn't work out." I just need to say it once in a while. The rest of the time, I try to play along with the excitement and planning, and that IS fun! But in the back of my mind, I just can't shake knowing what my odds are here.

Okay, I feel a little better writing that. Maybe this means that I can get some sleep in a bit. Up in a few hours with the wee ones! Since it's well past midnight, I'm officially 5w4d. Woohoo!

iamkc May 12th, 2012 12:14 AM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
We're hitting the weekend with no call-backs about follow-ups! This is so frustrating! I really wish that I had other options. In the meantime, I'm turning to Dr. Google for help, and Dr. G is more aggravating than the ER doc. I'm also giving up on tracking symptoms. They're all scary instead of reassuring because OF COURSE I concentrate on the negative parts. I'm an optimist, REALLY, but you would never know it if you could get into my early pregnancy brain. I even realized that I almost said to DH tonight, "When this pregnancy fails..." No, no, no. Not when. IF. JEEZ. And why do I even need to concentrate on if? Because, going by number of pregnancies vs. babies, I'm not earning a very high average. Wait, if I were a baseball player, my batting average would be okayish. Still. Babies. Not balls. Well...they're 2 boys, so technically...

I need sleep. I haven't been able to do that much in spite of being so tired that I can barely pay attention or stay awake at most times. Get ready for bed, though, and the mind runs free. If I could just harness that free mind and pregnancy hormonal surge into a good sex dream, I'd count that as good sleep.

iamkc May 13th, 2012 01:08 AM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
And so the lie grows. I told my family that I had to go to the ER because of a UTI. Tonight, the very nice neighbor offered me wine or mixed drinks. "Uh, I can't. I'm on antibiotics." DH later offered me a sip of his drink. Both of us got wide-eyed as I went to take a sip. I DID NOT TAKE IT, but I can't believe that I'm still so muddled over this pregnancy that I'm forgetting all this stuff that was second nature with DS1 and DS2. But now, everyone thinks that I'm on antibiotics. Soon, they're going to get worried about the "infections" not going away when I still need to lie down, can't eat, or do something else suspicious. If I could just get an appointment for a viability scan, I might let them in on it if they become worried!

I met a woman at the children's museum yesterday. We started talking about our kids and birth, and she mentioned that she'd had a miscarriage before each child. I started talking about mine, too, and before long, we were very open about it all, but laughing, too. Since I'll probably never see her again, I let her in on the present secret, and we started talking about the fear of early pregnancy, etc. At the end of it, I realized that I felt more relieved than I had so far. Just having someone understand and NOT tell me not to stress was a big deal. I wish that I could find her later to let her know that she helped me relax at a difficult time, no matter how this turns out!

5w5d (well, since it's past midnight, I'm now 5w6d), and I'm having more discharge. Not a ton, but watery and enough to scare the crap out of me fairly often. My boobs are a little tender, but mostly, I'm super gassy. I'm not passing it, either. Yuck. I feel disgusting and I'm in pain. I hope that I find a way to fight this a little. It's after 2 am! I should act like a pregnant woman and get some rest!

iamkc May 13th, 2012 11:10 PM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
Lots of weird pains and some cramping today. I'm thinking that most of it is intestinal. I can't tell what's going on with the nausea. I think that it might be related to something else. I mostly feel like my upper intestines are "jiggly" and cold, and there's a weird pressure in the back top of my throat/sinuses. My stomach itself doesn't feel very upset (well, occasionally), and I find myself thinking, "Is this even nausea?" HAHA Who questions whether or not they're nauseous?! I keep being worried about what it is. I have felt not "right" all day, a little dizzy, and whatever this is. I'm thinking that it could be my gallbladder, but that causes problems every day, and this is different. I'm sick and twisted; I would be thrilled if this is a pregnancy symptom. I AM officially 6w today! WOOOOOO!

Tomorrow is Monday, and I start calling the clinic again to try to get in for an assessment. I need the reassurance.

Funny: lots of people who don't know that we're pregnant have been telling us that they want us to have more kids. My cousin, a friend, and a couple of others have told us that they're saving baby girl clothes in case we have a girl. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW! And we've told everyone that we're finished having kids, so this is sort of funny to us.

Oh, I'm crossing EVERYTHING that this goes well. In those brief moments when I go wild and crazy and actually let myself think about another baby, I get so excited that I make myself sick and cry. This is exactly what I wanted. I adore my kids so much, but I always felt like our family wasn't quite complete. I couldn't explain it, really. It wasn't that they weren't enough, just like someone was missing. I'm beyond thrilled that I might actually get to "complete" my family now. :wub:

iamkc May 14th, 2012 11:33 AM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
I am officially 6 weeks. I might be a little more, but I don't think that I'm less than that, so woohoo! Most of my miscarriages were 6w2d or before. I know that there's no magic number, but I do feel better once I get over the hump. Of course, I've had the late miscarriage, too, but I think that I know what happened with that, and since that's likely not a problem this time, I'll breathe a sigh of relief once I get a couple more days into this pregnancy. Now, if I could just get the stupid clinic to call back. :(

I keep having terrible dreams. Last night's was so vivid that when I woke up, I thought that I was still in it. I took a pregnancy test, but then kept dropping it. I couldn't see what it was reading. A few minutes later (in the dream), I went to the bathroom, and there was blood. I just tried not to cry, and went to lie in bed. I woke up then, and it took several minutes for me to realize that I wasn't in the dream. I just sobbed. I finally jumped up to pee. No blood! So, HOORAY! for that! That first ultrasound can't come soon enough!

Today, I'm really crampy, but I think that it's from constipation. Awesome. My boobs are almost not sore at all, but they still feel fuller than normal. I hope that the symptoms aren't disappearing altogether. Breeeeeeathe.

iamkc May 14th, 2012 01:39 PM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
May 31st at 1:15. THAT is when I have an appointment. I'm high-risk, but I'm hoping that the doctor there is comfortable with treating me until I have to leave for Wyoming. I DO NOT want to have to go through the high-risk clinic again. I get sick just thinking about it. They closed the only other one, so I would have to go through the nightmare of DS2's pregnancy/birth again. I will if I have to, but I'm afraid of it. I don't know what this doctor will do. I feel like I should have lied about how far along I am so that they would do a scan to check.

The scheduler was pretty nice, but the billing person was terrible. I don't know why they have people who can act that way talking to patients of any sort. It's likely that I will never have to deal with her, though, so I'm going to try to keep that in mind: SHE is not necessarily representative of her entire office. The weird part is that the scheduler asked if I preferred male or female. I honestly don't care, but said "female" because she pushed for one or the other. She told me the name, and when I looked it up, the only doctor by that name at that practice is male. Hmmm...

I'm just having a really down yesterday and today. I have had a hard time keeping the smile on my face for everyone like I usually do. I'm tired, but I think that I'm worried about the symptoms disappearing. I'm only 6 weeks, and I know that symptoms come and go, but it still worries me. The funny thing is that I DO have symptoms! I'm tired, queasy, feeling full, probably hormonal, bloated, constipated (but that might be something else entirely), and I do have cramping now and then. But my boobs aren't that sore. Today, the soreness seems almost gone. Maybe it's because I haven't had enough water. Maybe it's because I've already had 2 other kids and pumped/breastfed them and my boobs are already a little stretched out. They sure look stretched out. And down. Hahahaha

Between prior losses, anxiety/panic disorder, depression, and incompetence of the ER doc, I am losing it. So long, sanity. Maybe I'll see you again after my first ultrasound!

iamkc May 15th, 2012 09:16 PM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
If anyone happens to read this, I might need some encouragement. Sorry. I'm not needy. But I am right now.

Earlier today, I thought that my CM may have been tinged a light, light brown. What did I do? Shoved the TP up my vagina. Stupid. When I swiped and brought it out, there was a very thin, perfect streak of pink (probably a tiny bit of blood thinned out on the TP), maybe an inch long. I freaked out. I'm having cramps from constipation and a possible UTI, lots of pain, but no uterine cramps. Some pulling and pain on my left side, but within the normal limits, I believe. I have had nothing on the TP since then except for light yellow or clear discharge.

I think that I'm really freaking out because tomorrow is 2 things: my mom's death anniversary and the point at which I miscarried in my last pregnancy before the kids. Besides the very late loss, that was the latest: 6w2d. Or, that's when I started spotting. It's not a magic number, I know, but I can't help the psychological part of it. I'm pretty emotional between the two events. I'm just terrified that tomorrow, I'll wake up in a pool of blood. I'm angry that, in spite of telling the docs that I need to be seen NOW, no one bothers. If my progesterone is low and the pregnancy could have been saved early on, they don't care. So, I'm angry and sad and terrified. If this pregnancy progresses properly, that tone seriously changes within the next few weeks. I am filled with glee and I'm a little more relaxed. I know that the odds aren't perfect, but they're so much better then. I want to have that chance.

It's making it even more difficult because DH told me last night what I've basically waited several years to hear, since DS2 was born. In spite of DS2's medical problems, I wanted a 3rd. DH didn't. But last night, he said, "What if this baby is what we've been waiting for to complete our family? What if it gets here and life gets easier because we've all been working so hard to fill the hole that it's going to fill?" I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I was too afraid of becoming so attached. Of course, that's a lie because I'm so attached already that it has become somber and heartbreaking to go pee because I'm so afraid of what I might see on the toilet paper.

And then I find myself laughing because to an outsider, that seems extremely weird and neurotic, thinking so much about toilet paper all the time. Oh, I would LOVE not to think so much about TP!

iamkc May 16th, 2012 11:59 PM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
I made it through today! I seriously doubted my ability to do such a thing. But here I am. Today is the due date for that same pregnancy that I miscarried at 6w2d. I feel like I might relax if I make it through today. I will feel a little better, I hope.

Also, my boobs hurt more tonight! I was walking into the restroom at the restaurant, and OUCH! They didn't hurt as much when I took the bra off, but I was WAY more aware of them tonight. I hope that's a good sign.

The UTI/possible IC superflare is awful today. I had to stay in bed most of today. That and the gas made it almost impossible to stand. I'm in a lot of pain. I hope that I can get this taken care of tomorrow. Yuck.

BUT, still, at about 6w3d, I'm still pregnant. Granted, it's only a little after midnight, but I'm counting it! Woohoo!

Sadly, a friend lost her baby at about 12 weeks today. I feel so sad for her. A couple of days ago, there was a heartbeat. Now, none. My heart breaks for her. I am so aware of that pain and that situation, and it really reminds me that I have to remember every single thing of every day while I'm pregnant. If I have such little time with this one, I want to have a record of it. I want to remember it. I want to truly appreciate the time that I have with it. I have been trying, of course, but I feel the need to take a few moments just to lie down and concentrate on Zilchfactor, as s/he is affectionately known. I do love you, little Z, even if my insanity is getting the best of me right now. But when you get here, my insanity can get the best of you. :) Lucky you. Lucky me. :wub:

iamkc May 17th, 2012 11:16 PM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
In a few minutes, we'll be officially out of the due date for the last miscarriage. We'll be into the point at which (6w4d) I passed most of the tissue. The next day is DH's and my anniversary! :) Deep breaths. Thousands of women give birth every day. That means that thousands of women get babies every day. Why wouldn't I be one of them?

I have been having immense pain from the interstitial cystitis and IBS. I was shaking so hard tonight from the pain that I dropped my water and then my phone...and then other stuff. Ugh. We're going to be on our feet all day tomorrow, so I'm not sure how this will go over.

I thought about something today that I'm really excited about. When I was pregnant with DS2, DS1 was so young that he just eventually picked up on Mommy's growing belly. This time, both kids will be old enough to actually "break the news" to them. They want this SO much, too. They will be THRILLED! I have a feeling that having the two of them ask about whether it's a boy or girl will be the hardest part of not finding out if we decide to let it be a surprise. Hmm...maybe putting another check mark in the "reasons to find out" column!

iamkc May 20th, 2012 11:55 PM

Re: Jessica's Journal for Sanity
Okay, trying to be calm here, but I just hit 7 weeks with no incident (well, no clear incident). I have a week and a half before an ultrasound. That seems like FOREVER away! I wonder if I could just sleep that 1 1/2 weeks away and say that it's because of pregnancy. BOOM! Killing 2 birds right there; I get sleep AND I don't have to wait. I know me well enough to know that I'll dream about it a lot, though. How is that restful?

I'm actually having nightmares about it still. That crap sticks with you. I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but it's MY journal, and I can post whatever I want. Plus, if anyone actually ever reads it, and they feel the need to do the same thing, they can say, "Hey, that crazy lady did it one time (or WAY more). I can do it just this one time and still be less crazy! WOOHOO!" I had to RUN out of the house this morning to take DH to work. I couldn't find underwear (someone should really stop being injured and sick and bother to do laundry), and the closest pants were very dirty...and very crotch-holey. Fine. I've worn them out a lot, and I just remind myself not to give any free shows. Sitting at Subway with DS2, I felt a gush. POSITIVE that I was about to have a bloody mess everywhere, I decided to check before even leaving the table. Now, wait. I was in a corner, hidden from most other patrons. Bags and a blanket were in the chair that would have left me exposed if not covered. So...I took advantage of my disheveled situation and used the hole and lack of underwear to feel for blood. The good news is that there was none! The bad news is that I couldn't stop laughing after that and had to leave.

DH keeps referring to the baby as "our daughter". I can't help but wonder if he wants a girl more, or because we have boys already, he assumes that it will be a girl, or...he knows? I'm too scared to make a prediction. I just don't feel anything yet, and I think that it's because I just don't want to because of the disappointment that comes with a loss. I'm thinking that once I see a heartbeat, I'll be flooded with intuition. Or relief. Or more cervical mucus. Or all of the above.

7 weeks. Way to go, body, for keeping it all in and hopefully growing it properly. Keep incubating, my minion. You can take over the world better if you actually make it to the 3rd trimester. :)

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