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-   -   Hi everyone! (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f2038-2013-playroom/2653492-hi-everyone.html)

Tinky May 25th, 2013 07:42 PM

Hi everyone!
I came home for the night, and have access to the forum. I am taking my laptop back with tomorrow so I will have access here and can keep up better.

I have to admit I am having a very hard time with things. I had so many issues with having another boy and just when I get used to the idea and start being able to wrap my mind around it, BAM! Here he is. I was not ready by any means. I have major guilt over not bonding before he came at all. I didnt really start getting things together for him either. I was not ready to NOT be pregnant. I was one of those weird ones who wanted to go past the 40 weeks, yet here I sit. I miss my belly, I miss feeling him kick, I miss all of it and seeing pregnant mamas just kills my heart. It is so very hard seeing him in that box with all that crap in him or on him. I hate having to be told when I can touch him or hold him, I hate the alarms that go off and how bad it scares me and how the nurses don't seem to feel like it is a no big deal because it is all routine to them. The issues he has are all normal for being so little, but to me it IS a big deal.
I should be picking clothes to hold a belly, not shirts that stretch enough to fit his tiny body inside the few times I get to hold him. I wanted every second of it and it is gone and I am really unsure how to mesh the not being pregnant anymore, with the daily dealings in the NICU, with the being away from home etc etc etc.

I promise, there won't be any more posts like this one. I spit it out and there it is, and I won't dwell on it anymore. I will do my best to particiapte in the discussions he best I can, but I understand that right now, I don't really fit. At least until everyone else starts welcoming their little ones. I do so enjoy hearing about everyone elses journey so I will be commenting still <3

kjm May 25th, 2013 07:53 PM

Re: Hi everyone!
:bighug: I can not imagine how hard this is for you and I won't pretend to understand how you feel, but I want to let you know that we are all here for you and you belong here just as much as any other person. Don't feel like you can't vent or post sad/angry posts, we all do understand why you would need to do that. We are all praying for you and your perfect little boy Korbyn. :grouphug:

alittlelost May 25th, 2013 07:59 PM

Re: Hi everyone!
I'm so so glad to see you, Tinky. You know I love you, you know you're one of my fave ladies ever, and I've missed you, and I've been so distraught over what you are going through. I know I can't even imagine the extent of what you are feeling, but I'm thinking of you.

Don't let guilt eat you up. You have enough on your plate and there is absolutely nothing wrong with anything you have felt along this journey. It's all normal, healthy emotions that tons, if not most, of people deal with. Whether our children arrive early or late or right on time, IMO most people don't really fully bond until the baby gets here. It's not abnormal to not bond before the baby arrives and certainly not a reason to feel guilty, no matter what the reason is you think you didn't bond.

Like you, I am one who wants to be pregnant longer, so I can have more time to prepare. Having so much precious time ripped from you is tough and unfair, and then add to that the complications that are involved when that happens. It might not be a big deal to the nurses, but it's okay that it's a big deal to you and it would be a big deal to any parent. Korbyn really is very lucky to have you! You've been such an amazing mom to him already, better than anyone else could have been for him.

I know the next few months will be hard for you, but we're here for you. Don't worry about how many times you need to talk about this. If you don't want to post to the board, you can always message me or text me or whatever. Just keep in touch and don't feel the need to keep it all bottled up inside! Even those of us who are still pregnant are all on our own journeys right now. What keeps is together is our friendship. Share your stories with us. I love hearing from you and I love hearing updates on Korbyn.

<3 <3 <3

Dandelion May 25th, 2013 08:07 PM

My heart goes out to you mama. It's not an easy road you are on & if you need to talk, I'm here. :)

Honestlymonique May 25th, 2013 08:21 PM

Re: Hi everyone!
Woman u better let it out! There is no need to feel like u can't or shouldn't. I can't imagine how u feel but I really hope u still stick around n post n keep us updated on the lil one, n urself. Im keeping u guys in my thoughts, I know lil baby will soon be home.

Beachbabies May 25th, 2013 08:23 PM

Re: Hi everyone!
I'm so glad you came and checked in with us. Although the majority of us can't understand what you are going through, we are here for you and support you. I think you are an awesome, amazing, strong mommy.

mom2K&G May 25th, 2013 08:25 PM

Re: Hi everyone!
I am so happy to see you posted here! I can't even fathom what you are going through right now, but I have seen and heard how strong of a person you are and how amazing of a mother you are!!

You can let it all out as much as you want too, I know that myself and all these other lovely ladies would be glad to listen and be here for you and baby Korbyn.

Sending you GIANT :bighug:

mamalamb May 25th, 2013 08:43 PM

Re: Hi everyone!

I'm glad to see you, I have been praying for you guys a lot! I cannot even begin to imagine all the emotions you are going through right now, please know we are all here to support you in any way you need!!!! (((((((hugs)))))

FL Mama May 25th, 2013 08:50 PM

SO so sorry. I can't even imagine how frustrating and hard this is for you. Please feel free to vent as much as you want. We are all here to listen and love wether we understand or not. <<hugs>>

MommyPenguin4 May 25th, 2013 09:56 PM

Re: Hi everyone!
Please don't ever feel like you can't vent or speak your mind at anytime! That's what we're all here for, to be there for each other during the happy AND the sad times... I can't imagine what you're going through and even though we don't know each other, I wish I was there to give you a hug! <3 I'm just so glad you two are healthy, I've been thinking and praying for you everyday and again we're all here for you!

mirdeemrlvs May 25th, 2013 10:18 PM

Re: Hi everyone!
Thank you so much for giving us an update Tinky. I think that everything you are feeling is normal. I think that the emotions you are having would happen to any one of us. Your baby was born way too early and that's got to take it's toll on your emotions...I'm sure very long it will turn into your strength watching your baby as he gets stronger. How IS he doing? Have they told you anything? We're all thinking and praying for you and baby Korbyn.

btw... I can relate to the not bonding, not getting ready thing. As much as I want to very very badly I am having a hard time preparing for this baby or getting excited:smile: I really hope that ends when she is here. I don't like this guilt feeling.

Keep us updated and don't ever feel you can't post your feelings :-)

Tinky May 26th, 2013 05:59 AM

Re: Hi everyone!
Korky (an affectionate nickname given to him by a cyber aunt because doc said his head was acting like a cork, holding in fluid somewhat those last 6 days) is doing amazing from what I can tell? He is no longer on a ventilator or cpap. Just regular nose cannula. last night they did have to up his flow from 4 to 5 but did not change the saturation, I think they called it? He had gotten down to 2 pounds even but has gained back and was 2 pounds 8 oz last night. He has bradacardyias 9heart rate drops) and desats(02 level drops) but I am told it is to be expected with a preemie. his system is still learning to do what it needs. As long as he continues to recover on his own, they don't worry. Doc also said he has a level 1 bilateral brain bleed but that he expects it to resolve on it's own as well. If it was going to get worse it would have already and level 1 is the lowest kind. :) I have a TR friend from the isle of Wight, she donated an incubator outfit to Korbyn. It is a charitable organization out of england I beleive? They make outfits specifically for very, very small babies that are designed to work oround the tubing etc. I am excited for him to be able to wear it, it means a step toward coming hme!

I never meant that you guys wouldnt listen to me. I have found nothing but love and support here. It is my own enternal struggle. I don't want to be a downbeat whiney person. I don't want to be a dark spot.
Another TR sister started a FB page for Korky. You can see his pics etc there if you want:

BeachMum May 26th, 2013 06:41 AM

Re: Hi everyone!
Continuing to pray for your sweet boy and for you. NICU is a very hard hard place. We were only in there with our #3 for a week, but it was the most trialing week EVER. SO Many ups and downs with the NICU. Please come here and vent and give updates whenever you can. {HUGS}

Fins May 26th, 2013 07:50 AM

Re: Hi everyone!
so glad to hear from you! I have been thinking about you every day. :heart:
All the other ladies said it better but through thick and thin I'm here for you!

alittlelost May 26th, 2013 08:24 AM

Re: Hi everyone!
You aren't a dark spot, Tinky. In fact, I feel the opposite anytime I see you. And Korbyn is such an AMAZING little boy that I LOVE hearing about him. So glad he is making progress and gaining weight!

MyFantasticFour May 26th, 2013 08:40 AM

Re: Hi everyone!
Aw, I am so so sorry <3 <3 I hope everything gets easier soon and he does really awesomely <3 HUGS!!

IvyMommy May 26th, 2013 09:52 AM

Re: Hi everyone!
Prayers and hugs for you both , glad to see you back! I have been following korbyn's update page on fb

Jessmom May 26th, 2013 02:40 PM

Re: Hi everyone!
Ditto to everyone else!! We miss you and have been keepin you in our thoughts!! Share every feeling you need to. We are here for you.

Pbear31 May 26th, 2013 03:49 PM

Re: Hi everyone!
Tinky, I am so glad you shared your feelings. I could have literally written that same post 2 years ago after I had Zeb. Fat Baby/Belly envy was a huge part of my emotions for a long time. Once Zeb was home, I found that my DDC was the perfect place for me, but it was rough until then. You are not at all a dark spot -- in fact, I think that is what makes JM so great -- all different kinds of mamas with all different kinds of kids.

Are you pumping? How is it going? I ended up exclusively pumping for Z, so let me know if you need any thoughts...its a tough journey.

Before we left the NICU each night we would do a "No Bradys" dance near Zeb's isolette -- the nurses would just giggle, but I swear it worked :) Zeb's didn't resolve until about 34 weeks and then he had a couple once we started expecting him to eat and keep up his own temp.

I will definitely send no brady/high sats vibes your way!

lucyinthesky88 May 26th, 2013 05:21 PM

Re: Hi everyone!
I can't even comprehend what you've gone through or understand the emotions that you're experiencing. I just want to say that I'm so glad you're back and I will continue to send you and baby Korbyn lots of positive thoughts and vibes :)

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