Topic: Rough night
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June 24th, 2006, 01:03 PM
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beck12 beck12 is offline
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Last night I was here - looking for a particular post. on a board...and so I used one of the search options. In the search one of the many posts that came up was from the Nov 2005 playroom. I thought I was okay to take a peak. Maybe I was...I was scrolling down - looking at babies - thinking about how big my twins would be now..nealry 9month (maybe 10 since twins often are born 4 wks early)..and then I read.... I shouldn't have - the thread was about someone being pg...and then I read more - they were discussing all the women from that group that are pg again. Silly me - I was shocked. Some of those women are futher along that I would be even if I had carried this last baby to term.. so me are due by Sept. I don't wish them ill - it just felt somehow like another kick to the head. How could I nor realize that so many of them will have 2 baies before I even have 1? Why did I expect it to be different. Why did I even read it?

Then my sis calls. We haven't had an easy time of it since my losses. Her Dh is infertile & she knew that before they were even dating seriously. Now she wants to somehow think that is the same as what I have beenm dealing with. (Just giving some background). She relies very heavily on my parents for stuff...and my mom & her siblings are currently selling my grasndparents' farm...they've been gone 35yrs now & the house had been vacant, etc. So my sis says that my mom is going ot give us each $1,000 (sis had asked her what they were going to do with my money & God help me, I thought of course she would be interested in where the money is going). I started to bawl. I couldn't help it. I know it's silly - but I did. What the hell is $1,000 going to do for me? I have medical bills that far exceed that. ANything I want to do from here (IF we chose IVF - which I would doubt..but if we chose to adopt..which we probably will do eventually) - $1,000 isn't a drop in the bucket for anything i need & will be chewed up in 30 seconds on bills & I don't want my "inherentance" going there. So my sis tells me to calm down & that I don't have to spend it on bills & stuff she was thinking we should each maybe buy a piece of jewelry..something heirloom - perhaps to hand down, Hand down? To WHO!!!!

It just got worse from there. Then she thought I should come over & hang out by the fire pit with her & have a beer & chill. HSe said she could see I was stressed, etc. I just got off the phone...I couldn't even tlak. I felt like my reaction was a bit extreme. I have been on the road all week for work & am going abck out next week. I am tired. I am stressed as the company I worl for isn't doing very well financially & ny boss is nuts. I want to have babies here alerady - bot be wondering what the hell I am goinf ot do next & I want to be able to get $ from my parents & not think it's worthless in helping fix anything & too extravagant to do anything else with it. I have never received any money like that from anyone at any time for anything. I paid for my own wedding - I have been on my own since 18 & the first time anyone is offering something free & clear & I feel ungrateful because all I can seem to feel is how pointless it is to give it to me. I jsut feel like it should go to someone where $1,000 could make a difference.

Ph well - it's probably not even about that - it's probably about a lot of things I haven't even figured out yet.

Thanks for the vent. I tried to post it last night - but I wasn't even sure if it made sense. Today I thought it did - but I could still be wrong - who knows?
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

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