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June 27th, 2006, 08:51 PM
68rn 68rn is offline
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 371
Thank you so much for your post, beck12... I honestly didn't say more about circumstances because I was afraid of being judged or pitied. But I think it's safe enough to tell more...

I was actually pregnant at ages 14 and 15, and both pregnancies were fathered by someone who never should have been sexual with me at all. So, perhaps needless to say, the father did NOT want either baby. I, however, felt a connection to the children the minute I realized I was pregnant. I wanted both of them more than anything in the world... And was completely devastated when I lost them. There was absolutely no support around the physical or emotional pain I was in. I have been high risk since the very first pregnancy due to some medical issues of my own, and over 16 wks into my first pregnancy I started bleeding. I don't remember the details, but I hadn't even told my parents I was pregnant because I was afraid of what they might make me do. I went for a d&c shortly after I started bleeding, and, at a naive 14 years old, just kept thinking that I had just killed someone... I think that has stayed with me since that dreadful day... As for the second m/c, I was 15. And I m/c'd naturally at 12 weeks. I had to have my best friend at the time bring me to the hospital because my parents refused to do so. To this day, she still doesn't know what was wrong or why I asked her to bring me. I was just so ashamed.

I didn't get to really deal with either loss until just about a year ago when I told my therapist--the first person I've ever really gotten to talk to about any of it...

But I guess I just didn't expect it to be effecting me so much given how long ago it was. I almost feel like I was handling things better when I WASN'T talking about it than I am now that I can talk about it. And maybe I'm just pushing myself too much since it seems that I really just began my grieving process...

I don't know. I'm just so scared and confused. Thanks again, though.
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<span style="font-familyalatino Linotype">"I wish you knew how much you changed all our lives. But I know someday you'll see, if only through heaven's eyes."
I'll always love you, Lori.</span>
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