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March 16th, 2012, 09:40 PM
chica4chocolate chica4chocolate is offline
Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 853
Well I see that this forum is not very active. Just noticed. Oh well. At least I will share my story and send it out to the internet cosmos while hubby plays video games.

DS is coming up on six months old and I am still grieving the birth experience, even though it wasn't that bad in comparison to many others. I am praying that time will heal my heart over this because to this day I can't even watch the birth shows on TLC...because I get jealous of the women on them getting to hold their babies. The crazy thing is- I DID get to hold DS. Just not right after the birth like I had envisioned.

Anyway, so I have an issue when I'm pregnant of feeling claustrophobic and wanting the pregnancy to be over as soon as the baby is "baked" enough. It's terrible and the only thing I can explain it by is that I was abused as a child and it's maybe a control thing for me. Control over my own body. This was my 3rd pregnancy and I had the same reaction. Once I hit 36/37 weeks I did everything I could to induce labor or encourage things in that direction. At 38 weeks I took castor oil, which put me into false labor and we spent a miserable night in L&D and got sent home. The following week I tried castor oil again only this time since I was so close to my due date they offered to break my water. I said yes, and I will always regret that. Since my water was broken and I wasn't progressing I was started on pitocin. For hours and hours (about 12 I think) I barely progressed at all despite regular increases in the pitocin dose. Finally as a new nurse came on for the night shift, she "bumped it up" just another notch. Within 15 minutes I was experiencing sharp tearing pains and begging for the anesthesiologist (I already had an epidural and thought it was failing). They checked my cervix and I had gone from 5cm to 10cm in about an hour. Then the baby's heart rate dropped...and did not come back up. The resident (this was at a teaching hospital) nervously looked around at the nurses and said "shouldn't we be doing something?". I will never forget the panicky feeling that rose up in me feeling that I was going to lose my baby due to my own stupidity and the incompetence of the resident. But within minutes there were 10 additional people in the room and they whisked me down to the OR for an emergency C-section. When we got there the baby's heart rate had stabilized so they said I could push if I wanted. By that time I was scared to death for DS and pushed with everything in me...his head popped out fairly quickly and they told me to stop pushing because he had the cord around his neck. Once he was born they immediately handed him to the NICU team just to check him out as a precaution. He was FINE but they kept him in the warmer with them casually talking and seeming to do not much of anything. They noticed me looking anxiously over and one said "Oh we're just waiting for his armbands to print out hon". I felt paralyzed and unable to speak but inside I was screaming "Give me my baby!!!" Another nurse noticed my distress and tried to distract me by showing me the placenta and giving me a lesson about it. She kept talking even as they handed the baby to DH and he was trying to give me my SON for the first time. I wish I had just told her to stop talking...but I politely let her finish her point before being able to give my full attention to my new baby boy who they had wrapped up like a burrito. Throughout the pregnancy I had pictured having him on my chest, skin-to-skin, bonding and nursing right after birth. Since we were in the freezing OR I had to leave him wrapped up until we got to the room. Then we kept getting interrupted and within 15 minutes were moved to yet another room on another floor. They gave me percocet for the pain from the tear that I had which really REALLY doped me up. It also made me high which is why I did not really feel too sad about the birth until I weaned myself from painkillers a few weeks after the birth. (I stayed on them due to the tear) On top of all that, I could not urinate due to the swelling- which has happened with every birth for me. The nurse kept telling me to try and I was in tears with the discomfort and when I finally convinced her to use a catheter they got almost 1000mL of urine (normal is 300-400). It was torture which only added to the stress and emotional upheaval.

Anyway, not such a horrible story but I am still trying to get over it. There are times I do not feel fully bonded to my son...which I feel horribly guilty for. I still love him more than life itself, but I feel like I did not get to bond with him the way I did with my other two kids. This might be due to the fact that it's our third and I just don't get as much time to snuggle. I've also had major breastfeeding issues with him and feel robbed of that too. We are not planning on having any more children. As much as I long for a "healing birth" experience I know I could never bring a child into this world just to make up for not having the birth I wanted with DS. Adjusting to having three kids has been overwhelming for both of us, but I also feel sad about the birth and also sad for my middle child because despite my intentions of not letting her have any drawbacks from being in the middle- she clearly does not get as much attention as her older or younger brothers do. No matter how much I try. Secretly I pray God will bless us with another pregnancy, maybe a girl.

This has just all been so very different from what I dreamed and imagined. I hope I do not feel this sad about it always. I wonder if anyone will ever read this! Honestly I'm just glad to get it off my chest. Thanks for creating this forum, anyway.
Pregnant with #3!
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

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