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May 6th, 2012, 10:54 AM
Lex&angels's Avatar
Lex&angels Lex&angels is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: France
Posts: 3,736

I've finally reached that point where I just round up or down my weeks of pregnancy in conversation. Each day doesn't seem so very, very important anymore. I even have to think about it for a minute to know exactly how many days... I just think in weeks now. That's good, right?

Today we told a few more people in church than last week and they were all so sweet and happy for us. You know what? I have really been taking a long hard look at my attitude and my beliefs and the things that have been bothering me, and I think it's time to rebuild.

I still cry when singing songs about loss and I think those songs will always hurt at least a little. I mean I have a hard time believing I'm the only one in the congregation who has to repress sobs when singing "you give and take away". Being pregnant now doesn't change the fact that I have lost a lot. That there is a lot of pain and suffering in the world and that, yes, it did rock my faith in a big way. It doesn't change the fact that while some in church may be praying that they will be broken and molded etc., I am praying that God will allow me some more time without being broken because if I am broken again right now I don't know that I'd ever be whole again.

I have also realized that contrary to what I thought, my small group might be the problem, not the church itself. I just don't think that the group understands me all that well and they honestly have not been as supportive as I needed. I have found, over the past few months, that people I hadn't even met until recently have been better friends in the church and seem to just "get it" so much easier. Sure, there are some things that bother me about our church in general, but now that I have been going back to church regularly but not the small group, I'm realizing that the problem for me is the small group, but I thought it was the church because that's where I've always broken down in tears because of the songs. I'm just emotional with music and I still have to deal with that. But being emotional with music is not the church's fault, at all.

I had such an outpouring of love today from people in the church and I just felt normal. Last week when I told the people from my small group, all I got were lectures about not worrying and enjoying the pregnancy, no congratulations or surprise or joy, no asking how I was feeling, just assumptions.
Today, people a) expressed joy about my pregnancy b) asked how I was feeling without assuming anything and c) said they understood that I was still a bit nervous d) served me more snacks

Belly pictures tomorrow!

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