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July 7th, 2012, 02:28 PM
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colette20 colette20 is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 1,614
I don't even know where to begin after this first trimester!!

A little background, in case anyone ever wants to actually read my ramblings...

I was diagnosed with endo at 15, no big deal since my mom has it, and had no trouble with conceiving. But at 19 I was diagnosed with PCOS, Dr's at that time told me it would be more difficult to conceive, but not impossible. At that time, I was with my ex-husband. We tried for years naturally with no success. At 22 we went down the clomid road, and still nothing. We divorced when at 25 due to his drinking, and at 26 I had a twisted cyst that had basically strangled my fallopian tube on the right side. They ended up having to remove it, as well as the ovary. They looked at the other side and were able to remove a twisted cyst from the left as well, but told me that with the damage, scar tissue, and trauma, that tube was basically useless. Even before the surgery I wasn't hopeful of conceiving on my own, and had made peace with adoption as my option.

So, imagine my surprise at 30, when I am staring at a BFP, scared, nervous, wanting to be happy... I felt a sigh of relief once I had an u/s and knew the pregnancy wasnt in my tube, and the baby had implanted high, and in the uterus.

Now, this brings me to the "situation"... I had been dating someone for 2 years. We lived together, but it wasnt working anymore. We split in March, and he was set to move out in june, when the lease was up... There was a man I was interested in, and had talked to a bit... After a night of cotton candy martinis (and I never drink, and they went down wwayyyyyy to easily) we apparently had a night together... (Even though I was technically single at the time, I didnt want to be doing anything until my ex had moved out, out of respect I guess...) and two weeks later, after a birthday celebration I had a night with the ex.

I have always been the "good girl", did everything right, respected everyone, and lived my life the way I was "supposed to"... So imagine my shock when I realize the baby I wasnt supposed to have is on the way, and because of a few martinis, I am not 100% on who the father of my baby is. My mother knows, and is supportive, but worries about what the family will say when the "good one" announces her Maury worthy dilemma....

So now, I am 14 weeks pregnant with an absolute miracle, and I haven't been able to enjoy it at all. I feel guilty and ashamed and disconnected. My life is a mess, as my Ex does nothing but guilt me, and judge me. He doesnt talk about the baby, or even allow me to have the framed u/s out without flipping it over. He is still here, with no where to go. The other man, wants to be involved so badly, no matter if its his or not, and has to stand on the sidelines.

I'm hoping to be able to push through this fog, and start being happier and connecting more and more with this baby.... S/he deserves it.

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