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July 24th, 2012, 11:59 PM
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Mod-plan4fate plan4fate is offline
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(loss mentioned)

Well been a bit since I've updated, Sadly though my tests did get darker, I started bleeding on the 22nd, just three days after getting the first positive test. Since i'm still bleeding today I'm pretty sure it's not implantation. I will test once the bleeding stops to ensure they have returned to negative.

I am hurting. Please no one take this the wrong way. My previous pregnancies were unwanted. They were not planned, and occurred at terrible points in my life. While I would have loved those children just the same.. but this is just not the same. 8 months of timed intercourse, supplements, losing sleep to take my temperature... and the results were ripped away from me before I even got a chance to get too excited. I wanted this so bad. DH was even excited, we were planning on how to tell my family since there would be no way to hide it from them.

Instead, if we make it to Canada next week, I have to prepare to admit to them that I've had yet another miscarriage. They do not know about all of the ones I had in the past, but they know about a few of them. My BFF said to me today (I have told her that we are trying, not that she didn't figure it out on JM anyway) that my grandmother hopes that I one day carry a child. They all want this as much as I do. Now I feel like I've let them all down, even though there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it.

The good news is, the infection should be gone, I've finished the round of abx that was prescribed. I feel good, I'm peeing a lot less, and pain free. I have even increased my water intake to help keep my tract in better shape. Dh has as well. I'm hoping with that out of the way we get a sticky bfp in the next month or two.

Dh has no idea how to deal with this. It makes him squeamish, and he's used to making jokes when I'm sad. He doesn't understand that I NEED to be sad, that regardless of how many days pregnant I was, it was still MY BABY to me. We've had a rough couple of days, I don't know if I should even try and bring it up with him.. or just let it go. I know men grieve differently, but he's made it very clear that to him it wasn't yet a baby even though before I started bleeding it was. He made the mistake of calling it "potential baby" and I had to stop him. I told him if he feels that way fine, but if he ever refers to it as potential again I will not be responsible for my words or actions.

Well if you made it to here, that is my update. I needed time to process what was going though my head, and get to a point where I could even think about it with out crying. I just wish I could name it... but DH has never understood my need for that, and I've never named my Chemicals. I've taken to thinking of it as a her, and in my mind she is Hope.
1798 Days to Conceive our Miracle!
Baby Girl Due August 7th 2017!!

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