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October 19th, 2012, 02:50 PM
NinjaMom NinjaMom is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1
So uh I've been eating disorder NOS (I really just feel crazy) for as long as I can remember. I don't remember how to eat normally, I don't understand my relationship with food. I joke that I wish I was photosynthetic so I could just absorb sunlight and get my energy that way, because I just can't figure out a way to nourish myself, and now my baby, that makes sense and doesn't scare me. Weight gain doesn't bother me, calories, fat....none of that matters, I just want to be healthy. I purged for so many years as a way to cope with so extremely traumatic events that now I have this crazy system of analyzing whether food is good or bad...good being it will digest and nourish me, bad being that is will never digest and turn to poisen and pollution in my body. Vegatables scare me more than butter...crazy, right? Ultimately nothing is safe, because I'm never safe in my own mind and want to escape what's going on in there, so I obsess over my intricate rule system regarding food until I freak myself out so bad that my head is in the toilet and I'm not thinking about anything at all. And I hate myself. I have nonstop panic attacks that I am not feeding my baby and that she is dead inside me, or will come out defected because of all the abuse I put myself (and now her) through. I want to die...all while wanting to celebrate and embrace this beautiful thing happening to me...but I hate myself for "ruining" my pregnancy. I'm 24 weeks and a few days and I don't think I can handle one more second inside my crazy head, that controls me like some virus in a computer, just crashing even when I put in the right information or know exactly, it's like I just have no power, I've become completely controlled. I view it more as an OCD than and ED, I have no clue how to live with myself.

Point is...I really just want reassurance that it's not too late, that I can nourish my baby before she is born and that I'm not some horrible THING (although I am). I just can't cope. Life has been so hard already, and I will never be a good mom to this poor thing who is stuck with me. I can't sleep, I just worry and cry constantly and use my compulsive behaviors to numb the craziness.

Please help. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to just be still and observe life, just worry worry worry about the next bad thing that will happen. I'm going crazy.
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