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January 15th, 2013, 11:05 AM
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Daisee37 Daisee37 is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 1,974
Ingrid, sorry you're going through this. We have 2 children, conceived using donor sperm. My DH's sperm were poor on all counts--count, morphology, and motility. We did do IVF using his sperm, but after a failed transfer and then a chemical pg, we decided to switch to doing IUI using donor sperm. Perhaps more IVF with DH's sperm would've eventually worked, but DH was really concerned that maybe there's something genetically wrong, and that there would be something wrong with any children conceived using his sperm. Basically, he felt that if nature was saying he shouldn't biologically father children, then he didn't want to mess with that. So donor sperm it was. Now we're TTC #3, using the same donor. When we got pg with #1, we ordered 10 extra vials of sperm from the same donor, so that all our children could be biologically related and from one donor.

As far as advice, I'm not sure really what to say. It's weird, going through an online catalog of potential biological fathers. Do you want a music major or an engineer? Does it matter if he likes italian food or not? It's a very strange process.

The other issue that will come up is whether or not to tell the kids when they are older. We plan on telling them that DH isn't their biological father. I think it's important, for medical reasons, to know that part of their family history is uncertain, and so that they don't assume that whatever diseases run in DH's family are also in their blood as well. But I'm not looking forward to that conversation.

I think the main thing I've taken away from all of this is that in the nature vs. nurture debate, I've become a firm believer that nurture has more of an influence than anything else. My son is EXACTLY like DH, they even have some of the same mannerisms. But they're not biologically related. And DH has a great relationship with both kids, and it's not at all weird for him. BUT every person is different, and some guys might have more trouble with it than others. Fortunately, it's worked out for us and we don't regret our decision for a second. In fact, we still have some frozen embryos (from DH's sperm) that DH refuses to use... he's dead set on using the donor for any future kids we want to have.

Good luck with your decision!
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