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January 15th, 2013, 12:41 PM
hopeful_girl55 hopeful_girl55 is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 4,784
So much for being hopeful this cycle. AF came was very angry with me this month. Cramps were pretty painful yesterday. Not too sure why they just hurt really bad.
Not feeling much like trying anymore but I just can't stop. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so broken. Like my mind is soo drained and worn out from trying so hard and its just not happening. I wish I could just know that this was actually going to happen. I am so afraid that there is something wrong with me and we are just wasting all this time for nothing. I've always wanted a huge family. I just love the feeling of being surrounded by so many people that love you and that you love. But since high school, after a few mistakes that I should've ended up pregnant from and didn't, I began thinking there was something wrong with me and I couldn't have kids. I used to just brush it off and say that was the hypochondria in my speaking but now I am really starting to think that I should go with my gut. Maybe there is something wrong. Maybe there is something stopping me from getting pregnant. We have had the best timing almost every month. I know when I am ovulating, my cycles are pretty regular. I just don't understand. Why isn't this happening?! Is it not my time? Am I not supposed to have a baby right now? Part of me just wants to stop trying and let it happen when it does but I've already put so much effort in. And I want this more than I have ever wanted something in my entire life. Though there is that part that wants to give up, I still feel that part of me that yearns to be a mother. I dream about feeling a movement in my belly, about buying tiny little baby booties, about taking family photos, about waking up in the middle of the night to feed them, about getting told I am the worst mother in the world one minute and I love you mommy the next. There isn't anything about parenting that I don't want. I will take all the bad with the good because they are all memories of your children that you and them will have forever. I want to bring life into this world. I want part of me to carry on after I am gone.
Is this all too much to ask for? There is so many people in this world with less than I have, but I don't think asking to be able to bear a child is too much to ask for. I just wish there was some way to know if I was doing something wrong or for what reason this isn't happening. But there is no magic answer. We all have to trudge through this journey day by day and deal with this constant ache for something we can't make happen. I never thought it would be this hard. This is a life lesson that I know is going to make me so much stronger and ready to be a mother. But right now, I am just mad at my body. I mad at the world for not giving me what I crave so much.

Well I guess that is all I have to say. I am just depressed and mad today. I will just sulk and try to bring myself past this. Definitely not going to stress so much this cycle. Just try really hard to relax. Though I have no idea how well that is going to work.
TTC my first! - 29th cycle.

**Thanks Lucy! Love my V-Day Blinkie**
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