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January 16th, 2013, 06:12 PM
TwinMamaS TwinMamaS is offline
Expecting our 1st and 2nd
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 983
A year ago, I was worried that we would conceive too quickly and we wouldn't be ready. Well here we are 12 painful months later with nothing to show for it. My cycles have been consistent and my ob-gyn doesn't seem concerned that we haven't conceived yet, but I am dying inside. I just want to scream and cry. I am 26 and feel like everyone around me is pregnant or just had a baby. I feel like TTC is so out of my control and I worry that it will never happen. I got pregnant when I was 17 and had an abortion and I have been punishing myself for it ever since. I am insanely jealous of anyone who is pregnant. It breaks my heart to see a woman with a big round belly or carrying an infant. I just want to be a mother so badly. And more than that, I want to give my husband a baby. My husband is wonderful and very supportive, but he doesn't have a clue about how I feel or what a toll this is taking on me. I am overweight and have lost 15 pounds so far with Weight Watchers. I've also started taking vitamins and supplements to balance out my minerals and hormones. I am nervous about seeking fertility counseling. I pray (more like beg) every night and I am trying so hard to put my faith and God and try to let go, but I just can't. I can't forget the knowledge I've gained by studying up on TTC. I'm always thinking about my cycle.

In October I took two pregnancy tests. One was faintly positive and one was clearly positive (I checked with friends who agreed). So I call my ob-gyn and set up an appointment. I tell the receptionist that I'm nervous about not really being pregnant. She assures me the modern tests are uber-sensitive and there would be no positive line if I wasn't truly pregnant. So the morning of my intake appointment I use the bathroom and discover blood. I start crying, wailing "Please no, please no." I high-tail it to the ob-gyn's and wait a painful hour and a half for the results of a blood test. In the meantime I go through the whole intake process, answering questions about my maybe baby to be. You can guess what happened. I was never pregnant. The tests were somehow defective and the bleeding was just my normal period, for whatever reason coming a week and a half late. That was when I hit rock bottom.

Now I feel like I'm just getting by. I feel like I can focus on nothing else. I almost left work early yesterday after seeing a friend's announcement and sonogram picture on Facebook. I feel like my inability to conceive is taking over my entire life and stripping the joy out of everything. I pray that none of my close friends get pregnant before I do, which is horrible, but I just don't think I could handle it. I worry that I'm going to wind up going into psychosis before I finally conceive because this is just driving me crazy! It's all I can think about, and I have no one to talk to about it. Feeling very alone, although I know we're all in the same boat.
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