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March 16th, 2013, 02:25 PM
pamela.burke611 pamela.burke611 is offline
Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 577
I have kind of disappeared from here and it has not been on purpose. I just have mostly been lurking because I have a lot of things going on in my life right now and I think I am feeling anxious, depressed, overwhelmed. My house is a mess right now and my boyfriend hasn't done a thing all week to help clean while I have been at work and I am just really f*&cking annoyed. So annoyed that I tried to sleep in my daughter's room last night but he brought me back in our room and told me not to sleep in her room. It's not just about the mess though.. EVERYTHING is annoying me. He can be so moody and he sent me a link about marriage in the US yesterday while I was at work and it was actually a very interesting report about mothers in their 20s being unstable and that it's best to marry, etc. and I thought it was a hint that he was becoming more serious about actually getting married and not talking about it.. I asked him about it and he said he sent it for the first 30 seconds of it... where the reporter talked about how most men and women get married when women are 27 and men are 29.... my boyfriend will be 27 in July and we have been together for 6 years... so apparently he's talking smack giving me the impression that I need to wait two more years for a ring? idiot. I don't even give a crap at this point I am so frustrated.

Anyway, my daughter finished up her evaluation on March 1 and I am waiting on the full report in the mail. Her nana had to take her because I had to work but her nana gave me a summary as did the evaluator. She apparently has improved immensely from her December visit and she said a lot of interesting things like that evaluators go by what children will do at the time of evaluation and the truth is my daughter is independent stubborn you name it she does what she wants when she wants... at first she said she didn't want to do what was asked of her and then the evaluator pulled out some craisens (sp?) and Chloe then did every single thing that was asked. I do use rewarding at home sometimes so that made some sense. The only thing that isn't working so well is potty training STILL because she says she doesn't want to use the potty and she wants her diapers.. UGH. Anyway, it would take me a long time to write everything that was said but the gist of it was that the evaluator did see some autistic tendencies in Chloe, however that she sees how smart Chloe is and she is verbal and everything. The evaluator said she firmly believes that it's behavioral and that with intense ABA/behavioral therapy, she truly believes that Chloe will "grow out of it" by the time she is in kindergarten or 1st grade...

and she wants to see Chloe back in one year after Chloe has received some behavioral intervention to see if Chloe tests off of the spectrum.. I am just so confused.. I don't think autism is something you "grow out of" and I am just at a loss for words because there is absolutely no history of this in my family (or his that I know of) and none of my 6 other nieces/nephew have this... it doesn't change the way I feel about her she is my LIFE and I love her more than anything! If God were to say here I will give you a NT child but it won't be Chloe I would say NEVER... I have done a lot of research and I understand a whole lot now but I am just feeling devastated because I have no choice right now but to have medicaid (for the first time ever ) because my work doesn't offer insurance and aba/behavioral therapy is not covered and there is no way I can afford it out of pocket.. I do my best to work with her but I am not trained. I just feel so sad all the time and helpless/hopeless because it's my fault that she isn't getting what she needs.. I spend most of my time online researching for her.. my life is just a mess cause I feel like such a bad parent and like where is my life going??

I also don't feel as though there has been any planning at all for this baby and he will just come and it will be like just another day, "oh look baby is here" and just move along.. and I am terrified something will be going on with him if something is going on with Chloe.. I just gotta do my best for my babies, that's all I can do. I just have so many plans and ambitions and I feel so weighed down. I have two bachelors degrees of which I cannot use right now because who is going to hire a pregnant girl.. and even so after pregnancy with the kids being so little.. I honestly just wanna get my cna and go back to school for nursing asap because that seems like a better option as being a family friendly job. I grew up just knowing I was going to be in entertainment/tv reporting and this is just not what's happening even though I know I could do big things. I think I'm just in a funk.. and I know I need to clean the house but if you ladies could see it you'd understand why I am putting it off it is disgusting...

My last appt. was on March 7 and everything went fine.. but my doctor has not been measuring me this time around?? I don't know what's up with that. BP was fine, weight was out of control.. 10 more pounds gained :...( , fetal heart rate was good.. I have my 1 hour glucose test at my next appointment on April 4. I am just ready for this pregnancy to be over. I'd rather have the baby here than be pregnant. Everyone tells me "oh honey enjoy your pregnancy since you want it to be your last." oh yea.. it's really joyful becoming so large I feel disabled, so nauseous, headaches, backaches, braxton hicks, just all around feeling not good at all.. not exercising, horrible diet, not enough water because I am afraid of tap water... my boyfriend not being attracted to me, the list goes on and on...just done with it completely. I really want a glass of wine or champagne and to get my nails done. That's what I need. Anyway, I hope you ladies are feeling better than I am. I just have not been feeling right and I cannot sleep no matter how sleepy I am. Come on June! Sorry to be such a downer in here. I am really excited to have my baby in my arms.. I just can't relate in actually having a good pregnancy process and enjoying it. xxoo

Last edited by pamela.burke611; March 16th, 2013 at 02:33 PM.
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