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March 29th, 2013, 07:33 PM
islandbaby islandbaby is offline
~ ttc island baby #3 ~
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,547
I really thought I was doing so much better the last few days. We got invited to my friend's house for dinner (she is also my boss and one of the very few who knows about the pregnancy and loss). I was actually very happy to get out of the house and socialize. I didn't even think about the fact that my friend has a little 4 month old baby. I was ok at dinner, not going near the baby. Then, all of a sudden I had her in my arms and the thoughts started coming..I was going to have a baby. I should be growing a baby in my belly right now. She laid her sweet face next to mine and I nearly lost it. The tears started rolling down my face. Why did this happen to me??? Three months ago, I was not even thinking about a baby. I was content. Then that day arrived when my whole world changed in an instance. I was so deliriously happy. I was on cloud nine. I realized I had been living a lie all that time. I did want a third baby and here I was given this miracle, not my doing at all, but I was given this gift and I embraced it with all I had. Every day felt like a dream. Is this really happening to me??? Then the lowest day in my life arrived. Now I am supposed to do what exactly???

At dinner tonight my friend's husband (who doesn't know) was talking about another couple on the island and how, in his opinion, they are too old to have kids now. They just got married and they are 36years old. I didn't let it upset me because I know he doesn't know. When I was holding the baby, I took her over to a big mirror so she could see herself. I kept looking at myself holding her and all I kept thinking was, "I look so young holding her. I really don't feel that old" It breaks my heart that my age is working against me. Now I just feel like I'm living in my own personal nightmare. How could this be happening to me?

Anyway, thanks for listening. I really just had to 'talk' someone about this!
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