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May 16th, 2013, 10:06 PM
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alittlelost alittlelost is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6,905
I never felt that way. When you have more kids, your love is not divided, it's multiplied. I understand why your experience with having siblings has made you feel that way, but for what it's worth, it doesn't have to be that way if YOU decide to have more kids. And if you don't want to have more kids, that's okay, too.

You know what's funny? One of things that made me want another (after having 3!) is that my daughter wanted me to have a baby. don't get me wrong, I didn't have a baby because my 6 year old wanted me to. It just sort of stirred those feelings in me, her bringing it up. I hope that makes sense.

Can I give my kids attention all at the same time? Well, actually, sometimes yes! But when I can't, I assure them that they will all get my attention and when, then start with whoever needs my attention first. In the end, they ALL get my attention and they ALL get what they need, and they ALL learn to be patient and to understand that other people need things, too. I think having siblings has made my children extremely compassionate and considerate of others. I can't tell you how many times one of my kids has given their treat to another child/each other because one wanted what the other had, and the other was HAPPY to give it to them just to make them happy. At the same time, sometimes they don't want to share, and I always tell them that is okay, too.

Anyway, my daughter does a lot of activities, and my husband sometimes has to stay home because he cannot go to every event she has unless we have a sitter. BUT he always asks her: Do you want me to go to this and mommy's friend go to your event, or do you want mommy's friend to babysit and I go to the event? Many times, for now, my daughter picks my friend to go. Sometimes we don't ask and just have my friend babysit because my husband wants to go lol.

Then I also think of it like this. Will my kids have my attention ALL the time? No. Not that I would think that would be healthy for them anyway... But when they don't have my attention, they have each other! And when I grow old, and one day I die, they will have each other. If they are not married or don't have many friends, it won't matter. They will ALWAYS have each other and they will ALWAYS have family.

I also think of my own upbringing. I was (miserably) an only child for so many years. I have siblings, but we aren't close because my mom waited until I was 12 to have another baby. I wish my sister and I were closer in age. I envied my cousins growing up (there were four of them). And you know what else? I loved HAVING cousins. My kids don't have cousins because I didn't have siblings close in age, so it STINKS because I know they are missing out on that. But you know what? There's a good chance my grandkids will have cousins now.

I think it's also what people make of it. If a parent is feeling guilty about having another child, and stressed and depressed, her children are going to sense that. They are going to think "Oh, my mom feels bad about taking care of the baby, that must mean it's bad she's not giving me 100% of her attention 100% of the time. That must mean she owes me 100% of her attention 100% of the time and isn't giving me what I need." (No, they don't think it in that complex way, but it works subconsciously). So, by a parent feeling guilty, THEY are sending the message to their child "I am not giving you what you deserve" which makes the child FEEL like they aren't getting what they deserve. But if a parent's attitude is, "I love you 100%, 100% of the time, even if I can't give you 100% of my attention 100% of the time" and "In life, it's healthy for the world not to be about you all the time." then the child grows up feeling like "My mom loves me 100%, 100% of the time, and sometimes she has to do other things because that is the way the world works." I mean, you either make it normal, or you make it a "thing" and if you make it a "thing" it becomes a thing for the child. I hope that makes sense....

I involve my kids a lot when I have a baby.

"Hey, kiddo, why don't you read your little sister a story?"
Kid reads story. Kid is getting attention from baby and self-satisfaction from caring for another person.
Me: "How sweet of you! Your sister is so lucky to have a big brother who can read her stories like that. Look how happy you have made her!"
Benefit: Child has satisfaction of making baby happy and mommy proud. Child is getting attention from baby and from parent.

So, yes, sometimes they give up your attention for a little bit. but sometimes they get NEW kinds of attention from you AND they will get attention from their sibling, who will be there for them in life when you can't be. My kids know that I will help them when I can. They also know they can help each other. They also know they are capable of helping others. All these things are good things

I'm not saying there aren't benefits to having and being an only child. There definitely are. But as I see it, there's pros and cons to BOTH. If you ever end up pregnant again, my advice would be to start looking at the new pros for Drake and focus on that.
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