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July 2nd, 2013, 02:57 PM
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Stepmom2Be Stepmom2Be is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Originally Posted by LifeToTheMax View Post
In response to the first part, I think that all the time. Then I remember how much it would crush DSD, and I feel mean about it. There is honestly no perfect solution, you know? It's just impossible. On one hand, you KNOW that you and your DH would provide a better, more stable environment for O on a regular basis. You know that having a stable home would be better for him. On the other hand, you know that his relationship with his mom is important to him, and that if something happened where she could not be around for him, it would crush HIM. There is no winning. I just wish that in these cases the BMs would sit back for a moment and think about what is best for their child in the situation. I know in our case, and I'm going to assume that it would be very similar in yours, that we would be more than happy to do whatever we could to foster a great relationship between DSD and BM, if we were able to have her the majority of the time, especially during the school week/school year. In my mind, it would be the perfect set up. It's just hard when it seems like BM isn't acting in the best interest of the child And I'm so sorry you guys are struggling with that, too.

And I hear you on wondering if it's enough and if it is worth the gamble. It's such a hard act to balance!! On one hand, you know that the court will get annoyed if you keep running back and reopening the case without good reason. On the other hand, you don't want it to be flipped around on you, that you guys KNEW she was drinking again and didn't do anything about it. But is Os word going to be enough? Is one drink going to be serious enough? Do you have a lawyer you could call, even just to ask a few questions? Otherwise, you might consider anonymously calling CFS/CPS and just asking them about the situation and if it's a situation you are required to/should report.
We have a friend who is a lawyer in Oregon. She knows someone here we can talk to. My biggest concern is when she isn't making good choices, she tends to hide it from us as best as she can. I'm worried there is more happening when he's there that we don't know about.

Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
I don't think that makes you a mean person. You want him to be safe, and at this point it's more likely that that will happen because she'll do something stupid to remove herself from his life again than it's likely that it will happen because she'll commit to being healthy.

That's tough to say. I would certainly bring it up with the lawyer. We've had a glass of wine together while my dsc have been over, but neither of us have struggled with alcoholism at any point, it truly is one glass each and it's almost always after they're already in bed (although that's largely because that's the only point at which we can really sit and enjoy it more so than being afraid of them seeing alcohol we're fine with providing an example of healthy alcohol consumption). There's a lot more to it than that with this person, though, and I don't believe someone who has recently struggled with addiction should be testing their boundaries in any capacity. It's hugely risky, and for what? A buzz? Is it worth taking the risk of relapse for that "one" drink, all by yourself? Especially with her only child in the mix? Stupid.
Back when she failed her drug test in Nov of 2011, when Eric called her and told her that O was no longer allowed there overnight, she got all defensive and said the whole "It was one drink" thing. (Even though she later admitted it was more then one drink.) Eric's reply was, "How nice of you to decide that ONE drink held a higher importance than your 6 year old child.

That's how I feel now. Do I drink? On the weekends, occasionally. If me having ONE drink meant possibly losing the most important thing in my life? I would never touch it again. She doesn't need to be proving to herself that she can handle just ONE drink. She needs to be proving to her son that she doesn't need to prove anything!

Originally Posted by plan4fate View Post
That's a true addict talking. There is no moderation. You are either drinking or you are not. If you are drinking, you are have relapsed. If you are not, you are still sober. If she was attending AA, they'd take away her coin every time she had a drink and start her over with the bottom one.

I would at least consult a lawyer. Just ask questions. Does alcohol show up on a drug screen? It metabolizes out quickly.. it would be hard to snag her with one yes?
I don't know if she still goes to AA meetings. I know she used to. She identified herself as an alcoholic. I wonder how her sponsor would feel if she knew she was drinking again?

Alcohol stays in the body for I believe up to 3 days. Back when she had supervised visitation, she was also required to take random urine tests. She drank on Nov 16th, and took a test the next day and it showed a high level of it still in her system.

I wonder, if nothing else, since we know she is drinking again and O has expressed his concerns, given her history with alcohol, if we can get a court order that she takes random drug tests on weeks she has him? Something to ask the lawyer I guess.
Jennifer - Married to Eric 3.10.13 - Full Time Stepmom to OwenPregnant with our first together <3 Due July 12, 2015
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