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October 15th, 2013, 11:04 PM
SkyBaby SkyBaby is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 4,398
I haven't posted here in a long time, if ever so hello! This is probably my first thread here.

I had a csection with DD 22 months ago and the experience was less than empowering. This will probably get long. I have to schedule my rcs during my next appointment in 4 weeks and I have more than a few concerns.

Some background info:
I had some medical issues when I was not much older than DD and required a 6 week hospital stay. From that time on, my mom told me even when I was still tiny that I would scream and cry and fight entering into any building that even looked like a hospital/Dr office. The issues I had were fixed by a surgery and I was better and no lasting conditions. I don't have more than vague picture type memories of the hospital stay and subsequent check ups. I had night mares for years from it and can still remember what exactly happened in them. I had my last nightmare around 8-9 years old. I had a needle fear so strong I'd fight them when it came time for shots and blood draws until I was older elementary school age and eventually settled a little. It wasn't until recently, as in during DD's pregnancy, that I really conquered my fear of needles just from all the routine shots and blood draws. That's some of my medical history as a small child and why I freak out about medical procedures more invasive than just a shot/blood draw.

When I got pregnant with DD, I just kept visualizing that natural delivery and even felt confident that it would work out for me, since that's what the majority of women experience. Nope. After laboring 44 hours and reaching pushing, and did for 3 hours, she was stuck so csection. I was basically kind of freaking out the whole time. DH tells me I was happy to see her, but I honestly don't remember that much about seeing her for those few seconds they held her to my face. When she and DH and a nurse left for the nursery, I lost it. Big time. It was so bad my OB was begging to put me under. I was sort of just in mental shock being wheeled out of the OR and into the triage room. I would wait there a solid 1.5 hours before they brought her in and DH came back. She didn't nurse at all until she was 3 weeks old. Why, I don't know and no one else has any theories either. My knee jerk reaction is to blame the csection and thus the long wait to finally holding her. Nursing did eventually work out and we weaned her off formula when I was making enough milk, but it was a lot of work. First my body failed her because I don't feel like I gave birth. The not nursing was icing on the cake. I even had a hard time changing her diaper let alone doing anything for myself because of how much pain I was in. Those first few weeks, I felt worse than useless to her. I never want to deal with those feelings again.

When I got pregnant this time around, I freaked. I was (and still am) terrified of having the same "birth" experience I did with DD. I'm worried this baby will be as colicky as she was and cry endlessly (even experienced moms were saying DD's screaming fits weren't normal). I didn't really start bonding with this baby until sometime around week 20. It's hard thinking I might have another surgery or any of the same issues when I so desperately want to avoid that.

Is it possible, even for someone with my issues, to have an empowering csection birth experience? I was reading about a mom centered csection where they kind of treat it more like natural birth and the mom is more included more than just the typical baby held up to her face for a few seconds before leaving the room kind of thing. If I do go into labor, I will definitely try again, but if I don't, if I can have this kind of experience even with a csection, that would be so much better than the first time around. Am I just dreaming or is this possible?
Mom to a 2 year old baby girl, 2 week old baby boy, and one in Heaven.

In loving memory of our angel baby, with us for 4 weeks. Baby went to be with God July 24th, 2009.

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