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November 10th, 2013, 08:56 PM
SkyBaby SkyBaby is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 4,398
Update in post #7

Tomorrow I have an OB appointment. In this appointment, I need to schedule my csection. I have a phobia of surgeries thanks to something I went through as a small child. My usually fine blood pressure even measured sky high on the first prenatal appointment this time around just from my intense nerves and I could barely calm that down enough for a healthier looking reading. I'm doing ok since then with other appointments but I still get the butterflies going in and relieved when it's over.

I want to have a vbac, but my OB says my chances aren't high. I'm not too sure I buy that. I've been doing a lot of research and really feel a vbac is the safer option both for this baby and me now and any future pregnancies I have. I also want to be happy and proud of myself when my son is born instead of panicking and feeling like a failure. I have outlined certain things that will help me feel better about having another csection, and plan on talking to my OB about it seriously this appointment, but would still strongly prefer to avoid one.

I know I should be excited. There was a time when I prayed endlessly for a baby for almost 18 months after I miscarried. Lily was unusually hard, most experienced moms told me most babies aren't like that. I wasn't ready to be pregnant again and just thought I'd deal with this stuff when DD is at least a few years old. I was ready while pregnant with DD to be tired and sore from some method of delivery and exhausted taking care of a newborn. I wasn't prepared to be so sleep deprived I was delirious and hallucinating. She cried from sun down to sun up and only slept during the day. By the time she was asleep sometime around sunrise, I was too wound up and my nerves too frazzled for sleep to be possible for me and only managed a few catnaps during the day those first almost 2 months of her life. I am very thankful DH is taking 8 weeks off this time around instead of the 6 weeks he did last time and that he has the ability to do that with his job.

I was over the moon excited being pregnant with her and would sometimes cry tears of joy and thank God, but like most people I know, I was still a little nervous, but not too bad. Now I'm more nervous than excited. I feel so guilty about that. If this baby has her same issues.. I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. I just don't know if I have that in me. After things got much easier with her, I buried those feelings and fears very deeply and didn't really give it too much extra thought after that. I guess I didn't bury it deep enough because all of that is resurfacing this time around and I'm only just now in my third trimester and this pregnancy is going waaaay too fast.

I also wish someone in my life would acknowledge my fears and not just give me the cliche "Just be thankful you have two healthy babies." Yeah of course that's the priority, but doesn't my sanity matter, too?

I'm sorry to unload like this, I just really needed to get this out because I really need the prayers. I really want a vbac, but if I need a csection, I at least want to not be so terrified and strong enough to be happy to see him.
Mom to a 2 year old baby girl, 2 week old baby boy, and one in Heaven.

In loving memory of our angel baby, with us for 4 weeks. Baby went to be with God July 24th, 2009.

Last edited by SkyBaby; November 12th, 2013 at 01:19 PM.
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