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January 13th, 2014, 02:36 PM
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smsturner smsturner is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Upstate, NY
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Hi all.
I'm Susan. I had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks last March, after trying for four years to conceive. It was so hard on me, especially on top of the depression and anxiety I have had forever. I have a Major Depressive Disorder, and have been on meds for years for it. They normally control it quite well, but it has it's downs that you can't avoid sometimes, especially when something traumatic happens.
Since we had been trying for so long, we went right back to meds and doctors and we got a second bfp a couple of months later.

I'm bringing this issue here, because I feel like you ladies will understand.

I thought with this pregnancy, I would be nervous until the second tri, and then just get better and better until baby was here. But instead, I just get worse and more and more anxious and upset. I have no idea how to fix it. I'm driving myself insane. It feels like there are so many ladies around me who have lost a baby full term, during or before labor.
I feel helpless, and I can't check on him. I can't hold him, or make sure he's breathing. And I can't make sure that nothing happens to him when he decides to make his appearance.
I can't turn this anxiety off. Nothing seems to be helping me feel better and less worried.

We put off buying baby stuff until January. It sounded good in theory, wait until the holidays are past to concentrate on it all. But really, even now in January, I can't bring myself to buy anything. We really need things, I don't even have a carseat, or diapers. But I still just can't. How will I handle it if something happens and I have to come home to a house full of baby things? How would I handle it anyway?
I had such a hard time with my loss at 10 weeks. And that's not really even comparable to losing a full term baby. And still i went off the edge into my depression. I'm just so so scared. For this baby. For my family. For me. It's so scary to lose myself in my depression, and if something so big happened, i feel like i would never find my way back out.

Is any of this normal? Do I sound like a crackpot? I'm already on my meds, and have my counselor (that's the first thing I would suggest to someone like me). So what can I do? Have any of you done anything that really helped with the fear?
Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (15), ds Marcus (13), Our together miracle, baby Dean, 17 months

Crazy enough to try all over again for a second together baby! Hoping for a much less wild ride this time!

TTC with PCOS for 5 very long years. Annovulatory cycles. Multiple doctors. Different meds. One horrible loss. And then one wonderful success, born 2/18/14.

I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26/13
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