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January 14th, 2014, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Boos Moo View Post
As for the baby stuff, I was the same way. To afraid to buy anything. I've still only bought 2 bibs and 1 toy, but friends have given us so much I already have a lot. I just remind myself to enjoy being pregnant today. None of us know what will happen tomorrow, but today I can enjoy this life and feeling my LO kicking around. I can plan (working on my nursery mural sketches a lot lately since I can't paint it yet). But I still haven't picked out a name (or at least let myself tell anyone the name I really want, even DH), or bought any furniture.
It's a process, a day-by-day kinda thing.
You're so close now I hope you're able to enjoy the last few weeks. Can you see your counselor more if you need to?
And lastly - congratulations on your little boy
I'm glad to hear you say that. I didn't realize that anyone else felt the same about buying the things until I came here. I hadn't mentioned it before because it seemed really weird. I LOVE shopping, and I am excited. Just worried.
Thank you

Originally Posted by MelChicago View Post
Sending you giant hugs, Susan. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. What does your counselor say? Can you be open about how hard this is?

Depression runs in my family- I personally struggle more with anxiety than depression- but something that helps me a little is just acknowledging that the thoughts/feelings are just that- thought and feelings- and not necessarily reality. If I can recognize that my mind is running away with anxiety, I tell myself "okay, this is just my mind acting out" and focus on my body, being in the present, etc. rather than following the thoughts- all the what-ifs and such.

You're not a crackpot. You are okay, and you can do this.
My counselor says the I need to do things that will help me feel excited, and stay away from the negative. She pointed out that while i feel out of control, I do have a good deal of control over things and how they are going. While I can't control some things that could put him at risk, i'm doing the very best I can at keeping him safe, just where he is.
I also am very much an analytical person. So she has handed me some things with statistics, and pointed me in the direction of positive information. She really encouraged me to go to birth classes, where they show you so much of what they can do when something goes wrong. That did help. I was the only not first time mom there, but that's ok.
She also suggested that maybe I should pick something very cute and/or fun to buy each week. Just slowly. Not necessarily anything big, just something that makes me smile and helps me get excited over baby. This weekend I bought pacifiers, and two cute little outfits that make me smile like crazy.
As far as the bigger things. I'm trying. But Tom and I talked this over. He said if I end up in labor early, after the delivery, from the hospital, we'll shop online at babies r us, and he'll go pick it up at the store a few blocks from the hospital. There is no reason to rush me he says. He is an amazing person, so stable and understanding. He makes it sound so easy to work around what I feel I can handle. I'm very lucky.

I was doing better for a bit, but stalking round the January board, I saw two losses right at term, and those stories were just too much. Unbelievably heart breaking. I crashed down a bit this weekend, that's why I came here.

I'm sorry about the anxiety and depression in your family. I know how hard that is. It's really nice to see you here, getting your rainbow baby.

Originally Posted by Happy mom77 View Post
Hi Susan,
So sorry to hear what you are going through. Having a baby is the most amazing, precious thing ever and feeling anxious is the most natural feeling (sign of a good mom)! Forgive me for saying but it sounds as though you never really got over, or moved on from your loss at 10 weeks and it's almost as though you haven't completely accepted your pregnancy this time around. Do you hold a sense of guilt for your miscarriage which is stopping you from embracing this pregnancy? It's like you're scared to believe you are lucky enough to be pregnant again and so aren't buying things for baby, making it real in a manner of speaking.
I have a huge sense of guilt about losing my pregnancy before. I know it's not rational, and I've tried to tell my heart that, but it just doesn't work. Even if I know that the loss isn't my fault, the infertility that has stopped us from conceiving for four years is all me. So we should have had a chance to have the two we wanted, except that I am broken. So after my loss it was even a huge question if we'd ever have another chance. This is when i was the worst in my depression.

Thank you for the nice words

Originally Posted by melissalaw View Post
Susan I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I don't suffer from depression but I have the exact same fears that you are having. I worry alot about a still birth. I know alot of my fears stems from all the terrible things I have seen and read about happening to other ladies on Justmommies. I love JM but sometimes I think it has led to alot of my fears. What I have done is bring my fears to my dr who has been a tremendous source of comfort for me. I know you have said often that you have a dragon but if I was you I might bring this up to your OB who can hopefully give you some reassurance. I know soon we will have weekly visits and hopefully that will help.

For me when I start to worry about my baby boy I will lay down and try to get him to move which thankfully he will do most of the time. I also have a fetal doppler that I can check on his heartbeat which has saved my life over my last two pregnancies.

Just know that you are not alone and we completely understand your fears but I believe that both your baby and mine will be here sometimes in February and we will be holding our sweet baby boys. We are here for you anytime you need to vent or get out your fears. I'm so glad to see you over here. This board is so near and dear to my heart. I could not have made it through my pregnancy with Jacob or through my current pregnancy without these ladies.
I think you're right that there is just so much to read here that can make it worse. I love the site too, and have gotten so much knowledge (esp about infertility), but it can also give a harsh dose of worst case scenario too.
I do love that I can feel him so much. It seems like all the time now that he's squished in there. It makes me feel good to all day be reminded he is doing ok. And my dopplar at home has been a huge panic reducer too. I joke about my dr, because she's so darn strict, but I will say that I secretly love her. I love that she is so panicky about all the little tiny things. It means she's watching super closely, and looking for the slightest chance that something is wrong. I hate that it makes me worried more than a more relaxed dr, but that seems like a really decent trade off.
I haven't talked to her about my fears because she is hard to have a heartfelt conversation with, she's more patronizing than sympathizing, but you're right, it's probably the very best thing to do.
I have an appt next week, and that's exactly what I'll do.

Thank you for the sweet welcome. I'm glad we get to do this together.
Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (15), ds Marcus (13), Our together miracle, baby Dean, 17 months

Crazy enough to try all over again for a second together baby! Hoping for a much less wild ride this time!

TTC with PCOS for 5 very long years. Annovulatory cycles. Multiple doctors. Different meds. One horrible loss. And then one wonderful success, born 2/18/14.

I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26/13
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