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January 18th, 2014, 09:48 PM
PerfectlyFlawed PerfectlyFlawed is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 30
My little girl is 3 & 1/2 months old. My pregnancy was difficult, not in a physical way but in a mental and emotional way. I have dealt with depression and anxiety a lot of my life and it worsened while I was pregnant. As soon as my husband and I started talking about having a baby I knew I wanted to breast feed. I was dead set on it. I viewed formula, bottles, and pacifiers negatively and I didn't want my baby to have any of those things. While I was pregnant I also joined my local WIC program, they also drilled breast feeding it best into my brain and talked about formula like it was poison. I was induced at 39 weeks due to polyhydramnios and my baby measuring large. I labored (back labor) for 13 hours. My epidural only lasted an hour or so. I was "stuck" at 8-9 cm for hours and my baby began to show signs of distress so I needed an emergency c-section...I don't remember a lot about that part because I had a lot of drugs in me, I was exhausted, and I had lost a lot of blood. I do remember a nurse coming into the OR while they were sewing me up and said my baby's blood sugar was low and they asked me if it was okay if they gave her formula. I don't really remember answering the nurse but I must of said yes because once they wheeled me into the recovery room my baby was there being fed a bottle by a nurse. The 3 days I was in the hospital I had difficulty breastfeeding her, it was a combination of my milk not coming in and her having a difficult time latching. She lost over 2 pounds in 3 days so I left the hospital with an RX for a pump and directions to start supplementing with formula if I wasn't able to pump 1/2 an ounce per feeding. Well, I wasn't able to pump that much so her first night home we had to give her formula. I felt awful and like a complete failure. My milk did eventually come in but I was not producing enough so my baby still needed formula. I tried everything to produce more milk - pumping practically constantly, Mother's Milk Tea, Fenugreek, Blessed Thistle, lactation cookies, and on and matter how hard I tried I couldn't produce enough to get her off formula. Then her Dr. told us she needed her milk thickened because of reflux and she was loosing weight. So my hopes of at least putting her to the breast we're put on hold. I accepted she was going to need formula in addition to the breast milk and I'd need to pump it all but I held onto the hope that she'd grow out of the reflux and I'd be able to put her to the breast and share that special bond with her. As all this was happening my depression was getting worse. I was spiraling out of control. I began caring out suicide plans twice and hurt myself numerous times. I was maxed out on Zoloft and on Friday I saw my Psychiatrist (whom I trust very much and have been with for many years) he said we need to be more aggressive with my medication and unfortunately the medication he thinks would help the most isn't safe for breastfeeding. I had really mixed feelings about this. I was relieved because I hated pumping, I got depressed and stressed out about my supply, I wanted to be able to actually breast feed her but couldn't, and because of how we thicken her milk (we use Gelmix) preparing the breast milk is more time consuming and difficult than formula. But in addition to these feelings I'm feeling extremely depressed about stopping. I've begun the process of drying up my milk and I've been very depressed about it. I feel like I'm cheating my baby out of the best thing for her, I feel like a failure, very guilty, and very weak because I couldn't just deal with my depression. I was packing away my pump and accessories and just started crying. Anytime I think about it or talk about it I cry. Has anyone had a similar situation to this and have some encouragement for me? I'm having a really hard time dealing with this.
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