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February 26th, 2007, 08:01 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar
*Bobbie* *Bobbie* is offline
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
Monday, 2-26-07, 12w5d , 12 days since my baby's heat stopped beating

Sleep just wasn't in the plan for me last night and this morning. It sucks cause I really needed some. First it was a bathroom wake up, then it was the oldest being loud at 6:30, then it was the kids missing the bus, then it was the kitten being a pain. I give up!

I saw my mom, dad and sister yesterday. My mom couldn't understand at first why I wouldn't just do a D&C and get this over with. I finally got right down to it and said Mom it's an abortion! They take the baby out in pieces. I don't want anyone scraping my baby out of me. This baby grew to 11 weeks. Almost three full months! It has fingers and toes. It's isn't an embyro or a bunch of tissue. It's my baby. I just don't think people really understand how horrible it is to lose a baby this late. Well, Dave knows He has been such a blessing. I am glad he is the man I plan on spending my life with.

We did one of the hardest things ever yesterday. We bought the glass jar we are going to bury our baby in. I was really having a hard time figuring out what to put her in. I didn't want anything bugs could get in and I wanted something that had a seal on it. Michaels had a really nice heavy glass jar. We bought pink and blue markers to write on it and some ribbon and baby charms. I plan on laying her on pink rose pettals and a piece of a baby blanket.

Sometimes I think there is no way I am ready for this. Other times I just want it over.

I feel like something is wrong with me. Pregnant women don't make me sad or angry, they make me happy. Like there is still hope. I am not jealous of other newborns. I don't feel like I was cheated. There is a guy at work whose wife just found out she is having twins. She is 8 weeks. It doesn't make me feel anything negative. I am happy for them. People at work say to me "That isn't fair you lose yours and he gets two". Well I don't see it that way at all. I see it as his blessing to have two, not that mine was taken away so he could have two. I can't help but wonder if these feelings are normal. Shouldn't I be upset by these things? I just can't though. I don't have it in me. My baby wasn't meant to be. These other babies are.

I am sad because my dreams for a life with our baby have been shattered, but life goes on. I just can't let the grief define who I am. Yes it's sad, yes it hurts, yes it sucks, but my life isn't over.
__________________
Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (23) Amanda (20) Matthew ( 6) and Daniel (4).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (24) and Krista (21)
step-grandma to: Wesley, Rosemarie, Scarlett



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon.
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

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