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NinjaCakes October 4th, 2013 05:59 AM

Emotional bashing
Earlier this year my mom took in my cousins children as fosters because their mom went to jail again for making drugs. Long story short, the little boy (10) has some developmental delays and emotional issues, both of which are contributing factors to his behavior problems.

Both of my parents are beyond past the point of giving up on him. My mom is fond of saying she's the only one who sees the good kid in him, yet she frequently manipulates and bashes him emotionally. It is getting worse lately and I'm at my end. He deserves better. He constantly puts himself down and is very defensive and insecure because of the life he has been given. Foster care should be his second chance at good care and a healthy relationship with a caregiver. Instead it is turning in to the same old thing he is used to.

I admit he is challenging. He is needy. He is frustrating. But there is a reason for that - he is just a little boy who has had a horrible life of emotional and physical neglect, constant criticism from his peers, and negative labeling from the education system. None of this is his fault, so why is he being punished? Why is he the one who is expected to act like an adult when the adults around him aren't even exhibiting mature behavior?

Example - the other day he wanted to play with the neighbor children. They are notorious for getting in trouble, so he isn't allowed to play with them. When he got upset over this her response was to call him a baby and ask him if she needed to get him diapers. WHY? Why is that the first thing that pops in to your mind to say to an insecure little boy (or ANY child)??? It is so childish and disgusting! I've heard her tell him he should be ashamed of his behavior in front of a room full of people (Really?!) and even that he's a horrible person, in a situation where she was clearly at fault no less. After the incident with the other children I asked her if she thought that was the right way to handle the situation. She got angry and told me that she has tried everything else, that nothing else works (because clearly the shaming method is working so well!) and he just keeps acting worse. I told her maybe other methods were working and she just didn't give it enough time for the results to show.

Honestly, SHE is the adult. SHE should be the one remaining calm and objective, not throwing a temper tantrum and lashing out at a child. I really can't stand to listen to it anymore. She is notorious for being extremely defensive and burying her head in the great sand of denial. Even the most polite suggestion from anyone is either agreed with and then totally discarded or turns in to, "I can't do anything right can I?" and "You just hate me don't you?" This is only one part of the problem, but it is the most important part I believe. I don't know how I can attempt to put a stop to this. Not only will I not let my child grow up witnessing this, for this little boys sake it really needs to end. I am trying to enlist my brothers help because sometimes she responds better to him than to me, but he is very non confrontational so it may not work.

alittlelost October 4th, 2013 11:08 AM

Re: Emotional bashing
OMG this is heartbreaking :( I'm soooo sorry. Poor kid :( I really feel for children with special needs who are in situations like that (and really, any child). Your mom clearly isn't equipped to foster him. Can you report her so they can at least get in there and give her more support on how to handle him better? Shaming him and being emotionally abusive is not the answer.

NinjaCakes October 5th, 2013 11:46 PM

Re: Emotional bashing
I wish it would do any good. Their case worker is completely incompetent. I once saw her drop them off at the house post-visitation without even checking to see if anyone was home. The front door was closed and locked, no cars home, and she just left them. Fortunately I was there. I've listened to her literally yell at one of the kids over the phone about her boyfriend and even tell her that she won't graduate high school because she's too lazy. I've reported something much more serious multiple times and nothing was ever done. The kids filled out paperwork complaints on her and gave them to another worker - it was all mysteriously "lost."

NinjaCakes October 17th, 2013 03:10 AM

Re: Emotional bashing
Well,good news. She is starting foster parenting classes today.

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