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-   -   DD's BIO FATHER *UPDATED AT BOTTOM!* (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/1255439-dd-s-bio-father-updated-bottom.html)

sweetiez September 30th, 2008 02:41 PM

So I called DD's BIO father today. The only way to contact him is at his work. So we actually had a civil conversation..but it wasn't about much at all. Untill i asked if is out of the hotel he was in and in a stable home. He said yes then i asked if he wants to be in hollyanns life or wants to see her. He said Of course i do. :rolleyes: . Then i asked when do you want to see her? He said I DONT KNOW because he works saturdays (Which i know for a fact is volunteerly). So he goes i have people i'll call u later. And im like so when do... AND HE HUNG UP!. Typically if he says he will call you would be like okay bye. ALTHOUGH he has said that before. and never CALLED. heck, i dont know if he even remembers my number!. He knows we are doing well for ourself so he doesn't care!. I complainned to shaun about this. He tells me let him call and make the effort (Which i agree.. ). I dont plan to call him ever again. Im so sick of "trying" for my daughter to see her BIO dad which he obvossly has NO interest in my beautiful,sweet,well behaved child!. And at this point if he doesn't want her then he doesn't need to be in her life *ever*. Once the holidays come he better not think he can have her. Because i wont let him. Shes MINE. and i will take her on each holiday period!. His family thinks..or did think he was standing up and taking her every other weeked. I will NEVER understand how a guy cannot want to see his OWN child. Im so annoyed by this. Shaun tells me we are much better off without him and we have our own life. Which is true. At lease i shouldnt have to deal with his crap. Once im done with school i want Hollyanns BIO father to sign over his RIGHTS! Im very much ranting!:).
But this is what i want to happen. Im sure ive said it before also... :rolleyes:

azura24 October 1st, 2008 01:30 AM

sorry you had such a crappy experience with dd bio. I know exactly how you feel about wanting to kinda push a relationship for your DD and her BIO Dad. I tried to do the exact same thing. Just like yours, DF assured me that she is doing well off and if he wants anything to do with her than let him be the one to push. It took a minute for me to stop but I did and I just had to ACCEPT that when DD is older, SHE will see the situation through her own eyes. That being said, I never denied DD seeing her dad, holidays (easter,christmas, and thanksgiving) he will have her half the day, if he asks for her but I call the shots on the other holidays. Halloween is around the corner and I am taking her out. I know he is going to be upset but he denied me having her on mothers day weekend therefore I have become a lil more strict on holiday visitation, as far as him giving up his rights, I WISH!!! I know he will never do it because when I suggested it a while back, he said he feared how people will look at him. nothing about how his daughter would look at him. hm...just goes to show ya!
Good luck with ya lady...I will keep you in my prayers

JustBecca October 1st, 2008 05:12 AM

I know just how annoying that is. I tried with Sadie's BD for 18 months and then I decided that was enough for my effort and stopped. 8 years later I got the "yes I will sign over my rights"
I hope that things work out for you and that he chooses to come around.

sweetiez October 2nd, 2008 08:09 AM

Thank you ladies!!! Im sorry you guys went through this also! :angry:
He knows we are well off.. but we may have enough money ( i get like 500 from Child support a month from him.. give or take). And its nolt about the MONEY its about hollyanns life. WHICH he doesn't care. But his parents are PUSHING to have a "meeting" but i feel its POINTLESS!. He kept telling his parents im "holding" hollyann back from him! :angry: Such a lie! Thats all he does!. I know he told me before he would sign over his rights!. So im pretty sure he will. I mean him and hollyann have NO type of relationship period. The only reason i can only think of for him NOT to sign over is because of his parents :rolleyes: and he would only do it simply to please them. He is Bi polar. And doesnt know what he wants... goes from home to home. He is very unstable!. All he cares about is his job and him HIM HIM!
but thank you so much ladies!!! :)
Im glad im not alone! I better get going. I have to go do some shopping!!!

My2miracles October 5th, 2008 12:56 PM

Oy I feel for you. My ex (Lucy's bio dad) is bipolar as well. That is a handful. He's not stable now nor has he been for the last 4 years. In the beginning he wanted to have Lucy every other weekend (she was 2 when we split). He thought he was father of the year :rolleyes: When in reality she didn't even know him when he was living in the same house. He never participated.

Anyhoo for us it was a long battle but now he has given up his parental right. My current Dh is adopting her. The adoption will be final the end of this month. I can't remember if you are in the States or not but in most States you can't give up your parental rights unless there is someone there willing to adopt her. And there are all types of rules around that.

I hope your ex will be willing to do that some day. Sounds like you SO may be willing to fill the role when the time comes.

sweetiez October 6th, 2008 08:08 AM

Yeah.. he has tried many things with me. I actually have an update!
So after typing all that. He called me asking to take her next weeked! :angry2: . I know the ONLY reason he even wants to see her is because i talked to his mom & dad because they been wanting to see her of course! Which we get along great! Its my EX that makes everything so complcated!. So he calls my cell ( he doesnt have our house number!) Left a messge saying he will take her next weeked ( this comming weeked) He just ASSUMES! And i told him i dont feel comtable with him taking hollyann the WHOLE weeked with out seeing her in over 4 months!!! <_< . I tried to explain to him that he is a complete STRANGER to hollyann. And that i refuse to let him go in & out of her life!! Like he has the past year 1/2. He just rudely interuptes me and says WELL I AM HER FATHER. I told him , No. your her BIO father, Yes! But you have NO part of her life!. i said do you even know if she is allergic to anything? do you know any foods she likes/dislikes? And he tried to say to me that he is "friends" with her doctor and he fixes his car all the time/. OMG such a lie! Because he lives 45 minutes away from her doctors!!!!!!! . I told him to stop lieing. And he tried to tell me that he has called my case worker LAST 3 DAYS!!! he called ONCE on the 30th to make sure the payment went through. I even asked my case worker! Well simple as that he isn't taking her!. He then decided to say that i just live with shaun for nothing and that people normally work for a living! :angry2: I told him im taking a parparing class for my LPN degree which is in JAN!. Im a SAHM with hollyann. But she is a fulltime job in general!. He doesnt understand that. Shaun thinks its best im home!. My ex is pissed because we have a house. and im happy he just wants me to e miserable like he is!. Shaun think my ex is a joke. I agree. But either way he isnt taking her. And my ex said that he is going to stop child support :rolleyes: . Which he can't! :lol: . Oh he also said"by law" I cant hold hollyann away from him cause he is paying. Again not true. He thinks he has some sort of rights towards her. Which he doesnt! I even called to make sure im OK. And im right on everything!. He has no rights period of her. So he basically cant do anything! He just threats me all the time! :angry: . Anyways he tells me he is gunna take me to court and get full custody. Which he can't he is never in his life!. He sees her once every 4 months!. He only called me cause i was talking to his parents and they want to see her. To bad. They even emailed me saying that they are glad we are talking and he is bringing her next weeked!!....he must of lied to them again. Cause all we did really was fight! I dont feel he needs to be in and out of her life. And i refuse to let this happen. Grr... But thats ..that! -_-

My2miracles October 6th, 2008 09:55 AM

Not fun! No he won't get full custody & he's trying to intimidate you. BTDT & won every battle. No court in the world would have a child that young go off for an entire weekend with a virtual stranger.

My suggestion (not that your ex will follow) would be to start with 1 to 2 hour supervised visits. It sounds like his parents have a good relationship with you. So why not have them supervise the visits at their house. Get this all in writing & filed with the courts. Then if that goes well you would have a gradually increasing schedule. BTDT did all the research.

Fortunately for me I was able to hold off any unsupervised visits for 3 years. And then he moved away.

I hope your ex gives up as well or steps up & does the right thing.

sweetiez October 6th, 2008 03:12 PM

Thanks for the advice!!!. I mentioned to him to see her a few hours at first. But he didn't want to hear it. and just interupted me and said " Im HER FATHER" :rolleyes: . So highly doubt he will go for that. He would rather not see her i guess? . I do have a pretty good relationship with his mom & dad. It sucks they live over 4 hours from me. And they want to see her this comming weeked. I have NO problem with it at all. BUT they want their son (Hollyanns bio father) To drive her up there! And theres NO way im letting this happen!. Idk what to do. I thought they knew my feelings on him just taki ng her out of no where. UGH. Its soo frustrating. I wish he would stay out of our life!. He was.. just fine.. Untill i started to talk to his parents (just about hollyann) But of course he doesnt want his family to disown him. So he is willing to be the "role model father" to bring her there. UGH UGH! i dont know. What would any of you do if you were in my situation??? Thanks so much!

QueSeraSara October 6th, 2008 04:00 PM

In TX a father has the right to see his child(ren), whether he pays his child support or not. To with-hold visitation, mom would be in trouble with police. I hope things aren't the same where you live. I would call the police (non emergency) and find out whether you can withhold visitation because you have no idea where he lives, or where he takes her. My DH's ex only was able to withhold visitation from her previous ex after accusing him of molesting their daughter and having an investigation begun. He had never paid his child support and was a horrible father. But she had no right to withhold visitation from him. As we have been told, there was even an arrest warrant out for him due to the child support, but he still got his visitation. He just never left his house and had his wife pick up the kids. I don't know how accurate that is, but that was what I was told.

Be very careful withholding visitation. As her father, he does have rights to her unless he signed his rights away or if he is under a court ruling that says otherwise.

I'm not saying it is right. I'm just saying to get something in writing in regards to you being allowed to withhold visitation. I would hate to have this used against you.

Sorry. i think I was confusing you with azure a little bit (with the whole not knowing his address thing). I still stick by my advice tho. Get something in writing that says you can withhold his visitation.

sweetiez October 6th, 2008 07:29 PM

Thanks so much. I contacted them to find out if he has any rights at all to seeing hollyann. And they told me he has NO rights in the state of MN . If never married ( If we were married it would have been different). But MN is pretty known for giving the mother all the rights and the dad basically nothing. But by law in MN if he wants visitation rights or anything to that sence he has to go to court and prove he would be a good provider. So i know that much. if he called the cops they would not do much about it beside " well go to court we cant do anything"

Blondzilla October 7th, 2008 08:18 AM

I think you need to decide what you want the final outcome to be. Are you looking for him to have a relationship with your DD? Are you wanting him to step up to the plate and be a real dad to her? OR are you secretly hoping to erase him from your life as well as your DD's? He may not be the best father in the world but he is her father and someday she is going to want to meet him and get to know him (speaking from experience) and when she does, she'll be seeing him from the point of view of an adult...not a child. Trust me. Some day no matter how horrible he was to her she will want to meet him again if for no other reason than to confront him. When she does, he is going to be sweet and charming and she'll blame you for keeping him from her all those years. You've got to be willing to deal with that and to accept that it may temporarily damage your relationship with her. So, if that is indeed what you want to do, never say anything bad to her about him or even when she's nearby and can overhear you. If she does ask about him, keep your personal feelings out of it and tell her objectively about him. (What he does for a living. Where he lives. What he looks like) When she does want to meet him, be supportive and tell her that you will help her find him. Let her come to her own conclusions about him no matter how much it hurts! My mom sat by and allowed me to look my father up and meet him and try to develop a relationship with him even though she KNEW it would only hurt me. It did but I respect her more for having let me figure it out instead of trying to talk me out of meeting him. He's a liar and a cheat and a BSer like you wouldn't believe! I know now that he is completely unworthy of any kind of relationship with me or my kids but I had to figure that out myself. I know that he is a worthless human being and that I am glad to have had him removed from my life permanently but if she had kept me from finding that out myself, I would always have wondered why she didn't want me to see him...was she hiding something? Instead, I was allowed to find out for myself and draw my own conclusions instead of trying to disprove what I'd been told all those years. The same with my ex and my kids. They knew him, of course but I never badmouthed him like he did to me. As a result, they have no respect for him nor do they desire to have a relationship with hm. They talk to him when they need to and will avoid his calls whenever possible. On the other hand, they call me all the time and anytime something happens in their lives (I have two grown kids and one 17 yr old living with me) I am the first one they call and their dad usually hears about it through the grapevine. Although nothing would give me greater pleasure than to have him simply drop off the face of the planet, my kids don't know that. As far as they're concerned, we just grew apart and could not get along.
It sounds like your ex's parents are good people and have no clue what is going on. Talk to them and see if you can't arrange for them to see your daughter--with or without your ex. Maybe they can spend the night at a hotel in your town every so often and keep her with them? Maybe you can drive halfway to their place and they can meet you? Tell them you'd like to arrange these things with them instead of through your ex and explain the situation between the two of you. Since they DO want a relationship with her, I would not seek severing his parental rights. In essense, all you'd be doing would be to sever his responsibilities to her and he'd wind up seeing her when he wanted to anyway without having to pay a dime in support. It would also confuse your daughter.
As far as this weekend goes...hey. YOU are her mother! If YOU decide she's not going up there with him they'll either have to accept that or make other arrangements. I'm with you. I would not want my small child driving in a car for four hours up and four hours back with someone she wasn't comfortable with and someone I didn't like or trust! That's just responsible parenting! She doesn't know him and he isn't responsible. Who knows how distracted or upset he may get over something like the 47th time she has to go potty or is missing mommy or wants to go home or is just tiired and cranky! If his parents want to see her, they'll make arrangements. Otherwise, sorry!

sweetiez October 7th, 2008 10:02 AM

Dani- Thanks so much for the advice! That is forsure something i want to avoid. If he wants to be in her life he can. No problems. What i have a problem with is him going in & out of her life when he feels like it. I dont want hollyann to go through that.The only times in the last 9 months he has took her is when he was going to his parents. Simple as that.And that was two times. But if wanted her every other weeked type of deal Im perfectly fine with it as long as he follows through. Which he has not. I wouldnt keep hollyann from him. But if he is serious about being in her life he can slowly get into her life again KWIM???. Like i was thinking to start is have her for a couple hours.. then gradually go from there. I refuse to let him take her for a whole weeked. Which you ladies agree with me so that makes me feel my decision is right. Shaun also agrees with me. so do my parents. His parents on the other hand dont?? i dont think they are understanding..they juust want their son to have her so they can see her KWIM?? type of thing. And we will see... I dont want hollyann think im taking him away. But he is making it all so difficult. I know eventually someday she will see right through him like i have. He just lies lies about everything. and i can se this happen... he will say he will have her for a weeked and she will be excited of course... then he will cancel..and break my poor daughters heart!. I could see this happen quite a bit. I mean he already does it. I try to protect her from him. but i do know she needs to learn how he is.. It will be soo heart breaking to see her cry about this.. KWIM?

Ellemphriem October 12th, 2008 03:07 AM


My own father never saw me in his life. Decided to do so because of whatever.....I cannot understand it either. Never will for he is dead and so is my mom. Oh well.....S$#T happens i guess. What i wanted to say is that unfortunately you DD is both yours and his. It takes two to make a child whether we like it due to some situations or not. What i want to say a little awkwardly i guess is that i understand what you are saying but from the point of view of the child. I always felt i was both their child even though my dad never cared. Not to mention that now years later i blame both equally.....:( It is sad but true sometimes......

I wish you guys the best, as this isn't easy.....

Blondzilla October 12th, 2008 07:18 AM

I completely agree with you wanting to have either a consistent visitation or taking it slow. As far as his parents go, they're not thinking in terms of how HOLLYANN feels or they'd see how hard it will be on her. I can't imagine putting a small child in a car for several hours with a virtual stranger to take her to more virtual strangers! If they are bound and determined to maintain a relationship with her, they can't expect delivery service to come with it! They've got to either come and get her, come and visit her or have you bring her. PERIOD! She barely knows her father anymore so she can't be expected to be comfortable going with him. And like you, I forsee many weekend plans crashing down at the last minute because he decides he wants to do something else and doesn't care about her feelings. Yes, it would be terrific if he would agree to a regular visitation schedule so the two of them can have a relationship. However, it isn't fair to her to be put on this roller coaster of emotions that she can't ever get off. Once she is old enough to understand this a little better, she may decide she's willing to take that chance. Right now she's at the age where every little letdown is catastrophic to her--in her mind-- and means there is something wrong with her not her father...again in her mind. It isn't fair for him to put either of you through that--you having to make a decision that is extremely difficult and her having to wonder why daddy doesn't want me. He's being selfish and so are his parents. They need to stop thinking of themselves for a moment and think about her and what this is doing to her. They're thinking "But he's her father!" and not "She hasn't seen him enough to develop a relationship that is more than a distant relative that you only see on holidays." which is what they need to understand.
Good luck! Let us know what you decide and how it works out!

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