JustMommies Message Boards

JustMommies Message Boards (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/)
-   Blended Families (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/)
-   -   Need some help/advice (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/188328-need-some-help-advice.html)

LaLa April 18th, 2006 12:25 PM

sigh - i dont know where to begin.

Lately - as in the past few months, the relationship b/w me and my Hs son has gone SO FAR downhill. Its not "bad" like we dont get along, but we just dont have much to do with each other anymore.

Basically - in the beginning, I did most of the taking care of his son. We lived together, his son was small, H was uncomfortable with a lot of the stuff his mom had always helped him with -bathing, changing diapers, feeding, etc.

Hs son & i were extremely close - he would come to me over any other family member of my Hs.

Doing most of the stuff never bothered me at first, but of course, when H refused to step in and help out at all, I got irritated. I finally said "OK, im protesting, " and quit doing it, to FORCE him to.

It worked itself out, H is great about it now, and a few times I tried helping out to share the load, but I quickly learned, if I step in to do any at all, he takes advantage of it, gets comfortable, and I end up doing it all. Its like its hard for him to really 50/50 it... u know?

Anyways - so then, as Hs son (A) started getting older, and really getting into the terrible twos, I also ended up being the only one to enforce rules. BUT - I admit, i dont feel really comfortable doing it, b/c I am constnatly reminded by Hs family, As mother, etc... that I am NOT his mother, and it is NOT my place. SO I will get on to him, Ive sent him to time out a few times, but Ive never spanked him.

It got to the point as he got older that I would send him to H for punishment or discipline, even if it was just telling him no. BUT.... H refused to. He started feeling the "weekend Dad" guilt - he didnt want to punish him for things on his weekends, etc.

I let it slide for a while, but resentment started growing (very little) with my son - him questioning why A was allowed to do this and it was against the rules, and why A was allowed to have this when I had said no, or dad had said no or when it wasnt allowed, etc.

So... after some discussion and even counseling, H decided yes, A did need some boundaries, they needed to be enforced... but basically he left it to me.

It wouldnt be so bad if hed back me up = but what would happen is - A would (for example) throw a toy or hit someone, and Id say "NO! NO hitting/Throwing" - he would cry - run to daddy, and daddy would "oh poor baby, its ok, " etc.

No sooner did that start, that A started not wanting anything to do with me. He clearly saw me as the "rule enforcer" and "daddy" as the one who would save him.

Well - again, through counseling, and discussing, H got alittle better on that - but no sooner did that start getting straight we had to go live with Hs mother while we ewre buying hte house. Well - she was the SAME WAY. SHe wouldnt defy H (her son) but she would definitely "save" him from me. It could be something like eating dinner - Id make him eat all his food before dessert (never much) and she would "oh poor baby, here let mimi give you some of this, you dont have to listen to her"

So really - his refusal to have anything to do with me only got better for a while, thne it got worse again at his moms.

NOW - our first weekend with A in our new house, and I swear its de ja vu all over again :(

H will tell him no, but usually its b/c I give him the look like "i cant believe youlet him get away with that". U know?

And then - A also refuses to feed himself - his mom still spoon feeds him (hes soon be 3), and he expects us to. Well, he was doing fine, until we had a few visitations at Hs moms house. Theyd either feed him or fix his spoon for him.

So whats H do? has a 10 minute convresation about it and for an hour prompts each and every bite "A take a bite - A chew your food - A swallow your food". Seriously, if you dnot tell him to do it, he wont. Hell sit there for 10 mins with food in his mouth.

Put candy or dessert and he has no problems -hes not slow or anything.

So... its just a lot of little things - basically all weekend long - A would do something - H would at MOST say "a - please do this" or "A please dont do that" like 20 times. I step in and say anything - and H jumps my #####. A of course, still refuses to have anything to do with me, and then my H jumps my ##### b/c I dont "fix" the relationship. Im supposed to do things with him he says, to make him like me. Honestly, sure it would be nice if he liked me,but I am not here to be his friend. I feel like if my H would PARENT it wouldnt be an issue.

Hes said - he feels bad for his son, feels guilty for not seeing hima s much, and hates disciplining him, even when he knows hes done something wrong. I tell him hes not doing his son any favors, and I think theoretically and logically he realizes it, but it stops there.

Im really at a loss. Im so fed up. I get so frustrated, not only at watching him be a normal parent with my son, and then cow tow to his, but also b/c he jumps my ##### that its my job to "fix it", and insisting he cant do anything about it.

Another thing is - if A wants soemthing one way - and H isnt around - and I say no, or that he has to do it - H will walk in right behind me, and go completely against it, regardless of our rules.

Weve discussed it a thousand times. It doesnt work. He says what I guess he thinks I want to hear every time, always says he needs to work on it, hell try, and now his latest spiel is that he can only try so much, but that I HAVE to do things with A. It pisses him off and makes him mad at me and resentful of me when I dont do things with A. Im like "***?!?!? I try, he says no, he wants daddy, doesnt want me, and you run in "oh poor thing, here daddy is here to do it", and im supposed to ... what?"


Now what? Any suggestions?

Im seriously thinking of just leaving and going somewhere the weekends he has A - its gotten that bad for me.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:50 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright © 2003-2012 JustMommies.com, All Rights Reserved.