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-   -   Introducing myself! :) (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/2062634-introducing-myself.html)

dettmer26 August 4th, 2010 08:19 AM

Introducing myself! :)
Hello! I am Jessica. I am a mom of 2 children, and am currently going through a divorce. I have met a WONDERFUL man who has 3 children. His girls (10 and 8) mother was murdered 5 years ago...and his son, 3, mother isn't in the picture a whole lot. I am going for physical if not FULL custody of my children, so this could prove to be interesting if this works out. We are planning to move in together next Spring, if all is still going well. However, we all spend weekends together now, so we are blended on weekends. We are slowly seeing issues pop up, and making a schedule to alleviate some of them. It's hard only seeing each other on weekends, but he lives an hour away, we alternate where we go each weekend...so that makes it more fair, and doable. I just worry if this will work out. I realize it will be hard, stressful and a huge adjustment...that is why I am doing my homework NOW. Any advice would be hugely appreciated. :)

ToonTownGirl August 5th, 2010 01:37 PM

Re: Introducing myself! :)

Originally Posted by dettmer26 (Post 21083240)
I am going for physical if not FULL custody of my children, so this could prove to be interesting if this works out.

Welcome to the board! The ladies around here are FANTASTIC!!!

I'm Tiffany, engaged to an amazing man who has 2 beautiful children, both from different relationships. We don't have any kids of our own yet, but hoping someday for that!

So being on the side of the fence were my DF has to fight to see his kids, what are your reasons for making sure that you get full custody of your children? I'm just curious, is it that he's abusive, or a deadbeat, or you are angry about the separation/divorce and want to keep your kids away from their father? I'm always interested to hear other people's stories, as my DF's story is extremely sad and was completely avoidable, except for the fact that these "monsters" (I don't call them mother's cause they don't deserve that title) kept his kids from him.

I hope that things work out for you, and that everyone deserves to be happy. Like I said the ladies here are great and have all different angles in which to give advice and lots of support.

Welcome again!

My2miracles August 6th, 2010 03:37 PM

Re: Introducing myself! :)

I'm Kris! My Dh adopted my dd (8) from a previous marriage & we have a son (4)together. He has 2 dds from his previous marriage 11 & 15 who live with their bio mom in another state.

We are on both sides of the coin here. I fought tooth & nail & put myself in major debt to protect my dd from her bio dad. He is bipolar and untreated. He has major anger management issues and is/was emotionally abusive. I fought & got sole physical & legal custody of dd. Eventually he gave up his parental rights.

On the other hand, my current DH is an amazing father. His ex cheated on him several times during there marriage - even to the point of getting pregnant with another man's child. Dh forgave her & raised that child as his own. His ex has caused us so much trouble & has kept the kids away from us. She wanted to be the perfect family with her current husband - who btw she is now divorcing after 4 years. Dh has struggled to see his girls & his ex has done so much bashing to his oldest dd that he barely has any relationship with him. She won't come to our house. The youngest is a doll & hadn't been to our house in 1 1/2 years but now has been to see us twice this summer. She's finally old enough to stand up for herself.

Anyhoo, I'm sure your reason for wanting full custody are justified. I hope you win - from my experience, it is very tough to get sole custody. Courts want both parents. But depending on the circumstances & how you play it - it is possible. Although quite honestly it doesn't really mean much. It just means that bio dad has no say in medical decision, schools or church. It has absolutely no bearing on visitation. I had sole custody & my ex still had visitation rights.

dettmer26 August 8th, 2010 08:03 PM

Re: Introducing myself! :)
Yes, my ex was emotionally/verbally and somewhat physically abusive to us all. He has been to anger management...and counseling (upon me asking for a separation)...I had begged him to go prior. BUT, it hasn't really helped. He IS better with the kids, but still wants control. It's crazy. I am contemplating getting a harassment order on him, b/c right now, he is demanding the last name of my boyfriend...and wanting to change meeting arrangements...etc. So...anyway, I am fighting for sole/full (whatever you call it) custody. I do want him to remain in the children's lives...as he is their father, but i want to have them 90% of the time. :)

What I am really curious to know, is...how do you make your blending work? Cuz...honestly...there are times that I am worried about becoming a mom to other children. And...likely...if this works, i will probably adopt the 2 girls, b/c there mother was murdered when they were young, and they are getting very attached to me...they are great kids...but I worry about the oldest...her attitude, etc. Any help will be appreciated!

Rachel August 10th, 2010 01:27 PM

Re: Introducing myself! :)
Hey Jessica! Good to see you here. You know my situation already. The hardest part about our situation has been issues with the boys' mom. There is a lot of animosity right now because she got made at me for confronting her about lying to the kids. It's a long story.

Anyway, what issues are you seeing with your SO's DD? We could probably help you more with specific problems. There are so many issues that creep up with blended families.

dettmer26 August 16th, 2010 05:16 PM

Re: Introducing myself! :)
Hey Rachel! :)

Yes, this past weekend was tough for me. I have found the girls becoming so attached to me, it is almost scaring me away. I love kids...have 2, went to school to be a teacher, but NEVER have I seen 2 girls needing female attention SOOOO much. We went to the mall on Sunday, just to window shop. Behavior-wise they weren't too bad, typical kids for the most part (can I have this? Why not? etc...) but, both girls were hanging on me, badly. Holding my hands, my arms, constantly attached to my hip...literally. It got old...FAST. Is this normal? Is it normal to feel this way? I didn't wanna hurt their feelings, so I told Adam, that I just needed a little more space, and he said something to them...and they were better, but still acted like they just wanted to literally be glued to me. IDK what to do, what to say without hurting their feelings, but yet making it clear that there are times and places for this...and that wasn't one of them. My kids usually like "night time" couch snuggles...etc...and that is perfectly fine.

Also...I am dealing with 2 very different ways of discipline. He has his more strict way...and I am more easy-going. I KNOW I am too easy on my kids...but, with my situation right now, it's very hard. I hate spanking, but I do do it, now and then, if I feel it is very needed. He spanks alot, not excessively or to the point of being abusive, it is just his discipline method. I am freaking out! I want this to work with him...WE get along wonderfully, the kids do for the most part too....just am having these little things come up that are making me panic!!

Rachel August 16th, 2010 05:40 PM

Re: Introducing myself! :)
Yes, I think that sounds totally normal, especially if they haven't had much female contact in the past.

I think at their ages, you should be able to talk to them about it. Just let them know that you enjoy spending time with them and you're happy that they feel comfortable with you, but you just need some personal space. I'm sure if their mom is deceased, they have issues with mom figures and worrying about losing you.

The discipline issue sounds a lot like me. I was very easy going on my bigger kids after their dad and I separated. I was always afraid that they were emotionally damaged from the divorce that I didn't want to do more harm to them by disciplining them. I learned, the hard way, that I was in fact harming them more by not giving them clear boundaries and consequences.

Anyway, I think that you'll find a way to make everything work you just have to be patient and go slowly. Blending two families together takes a lot of work on everyone's part. Talk to the kids (the older ones) and let them know your expectations and listen to them about what they want and expect from you.

My2miracles August 17th, 2010 11:35 AM

Re: Introducing myself! :)
How do I say this.... I'd love to have your problem lol! Honestly I can see it as being too much especially if you aren't a huggy type person but it is better than the alternative - they hate you!

I had the same problem about discipline as you. I'm the softly - Dh is ex is militant. He just did whatever she told him when he was married. It was a bit of a struggle at 1st but he's coming around to my way.

It's not that I let my kids get away with things. It's just that I use situations as a learning moment. I'm into them learning and understanding what right instead of being doing the right thing because they are afraid to be punished. I have very little issues with them unlike some of their friends with their parents. My kids don't have to rebel because there's nothing to rebel against.

I get compliments about their behavior all the time.

My stepdaughters - especially the oldest - I can see totally rebelling because they can't think for themselves at all. They have to have constant rules. Not sure what's going to happen when they are out on their own & the rules aren't there anymore.

dettmer26 August 22nd, 2010 08:21 PM

Re: Introducing myself! :)
Kris---yes, I am very happy they don't hate me! :) I feel very blessed in that...it is just going to take getting used to on my part, and until that happens, I just do need a little space.

My kids have actually gotten better behavior-wise now that we are in my apt. I was very stressed about living at the house, and ex would just come by whenever, and just walk in. I love having my own space and my own things and my own rules. Its great! Had a better weekend with discipline with Adam. He just is at a loss of what to do. Neither of us are consistant, which is a huge problem we are both working at solving. The closer it get to us officially combining our families, the more we will come up with the same rules, so that when we live together, it won't be so "unfair" or "unequal".

Rachel---I agree 100%...they have had so much insonsistancy with females in their lives, that i do think they are afraid to lose me. I wish I could say I could see into the future, but I am there for them for now, and more than likely for a very, very long time. I think I went overboard saying that he 'spanks alot' cuz, he didn't at all this weekend. Although, all of our kiddos were pretty well behaved too...so idk. I just think in time it will all come together :) It has to be even harder to be a single dad...with a dead mother...and another who is a deadbeat. I couldn't imagine. :(

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