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twoboys July 26th, 2011 11:20 AM

Being new with blended families..
Has anyone experienced extreme negativity or hatred from the bio parent of your step children? My SO and I are not married, and this was the first summer we have all lived together as a family.. It has been very hard. It does not help that his children's mother hates me with a passion, and it causes so many problems for our relationship. His children have now told my son that their mother hates me and he is questioning why and it makes him confused and infuriates me..

So, I have a son from a previous relationship, ad he has his 3 from a previous marriage.. then we have our two together.. It seems he always sides with his 3 and I of course side with my 1, its like we cant get it together and I want to know if this is a normal process starting out with blended families..

I wish all of us as parents could get along, and it makes things much harder when there is so much animosity, I refuse to be a part of it, I just cant deal with the name calling and arguing and to be honest its making me wonder if we can actually do this :(

They had a very bad marriage and it caused a lot of problems with their children, and now it seems all those problems are seeping into our relationship and I dont know what to do.

K.A.T July 26th, 2011 12:06 PM

Re: Being new with blended families..
That is all so normal. We've been blended for 9 years and DH and I still take sides of our own kids at times. BM hated me, and probably still does, for the longest time. I know it's put a strain on the relationship with my DSD, but thankfully DSD knows I care for her in the end. BM is jealous of me. She's jealous that he wouldn't leave my six months pregnant for her. She's jealous that every time she sees us as a family we're always laughing and joking. She's jealous that I'm raising my son with DH instead of being a single parent. She's jealous that he married me and not her. The list goes on and on. But she's finally in a good place and I hope she can stay there and get over herself.

Cesca July 27th, 2011 06:52 AM

Re: Being new with blended families..
OH! MY! GOODNESS! YES! BM *despises* me and always has every since her and DH were together (he and i were best friends for a year and a half before they started dating)! I must say that the feeling is pretty mutual. I heard stories from mutual friends, back when they were dating, about how horrible she treated him so I've never liked her either. I refuse to talk about it beyond acknowledging that we don't like each other, to my stepson. I tell him that just because she and I don't like each other, it has absolutely nothing to do with him and goes back to before he was ever even born. On *my* side of things, that's all he knows. No idea what she says. Not my concern unless it affects my house and it doesn't so I don't ask.

As for taking sides, thankfully that doesn't really happen here. We bring all the kids who are fighting out and ask everyone to give their side and go forward from there. Though it probably helps that I didn't have any previous children when DH and I got married so all the kids grew up together. (SS was 3 when DH and I got married)

My2miracles July 27th, 2011 12:52 PM

Re: Being new with blended families..
Welcome to a blended (or as I like to call it not-so-blended) family.

Everything you are experiencing is very common in these situations. In our situation, bio mom is nicey, nicey almost sicky sweet to my face & then bashes me to the kids behind my back. It all started when dh's youngest who was 6 at the time, told her mother that she wanted me to take my dd to daycare & then she & I were going to Hawaii in my van. Oh boy, bio mom was massively threatened!

The next visit dsd & dd were playing barbies. dsd barbie was the mom & named Kris (me) and dd's barbie was the child & named Lucy (dd). dsd makes her doll say "Lucy I have a meeting and I'm much too busy for you" Yup you guessed it bio mom was a sahm & I'm a professional working woman. So now she's telling her kids that I'm not a good mother! I almost hit the roof. Of course, not to dsd because she was just repeating but I did intervine & say the truth "I'm never to busy for Lucy or you"

Bio mom also led dh's oldest who was 11 when they split to believe that dh was supporting my dd & me & not paying child support. That was completely wrong! The 1st year they were divorced, Dh gave her 70% of his income. Yup you read that right. He wasn't even fully supporting himself. I was supporting me, dd & paying the mortgage on the house that was mine before dh & I met.

I'm sure there is way more that I don't know about but it has led to Dh's oldest reaking havoc in our lives (long story) and in the end me banishing her from my home. Dh barely has a relationship with her (she's now 16) and dd, ds & I have none.

(((hugs))) I hope your situation doesn't reach that point. I strongly suggest some family counseling. I really wish I had known to do that in the beginning. I think it would have help us tremendously.

twoboys July 27th, 2011 02:19 PM

Re: Being new with blended families..
Well its good to know that I am not the only one out there who has some issues.. but I am sorry we all have to go through this mess at times..

My2miracles July 27th, 2011 02:25 PM

Re: Being new with blended families..
Yes the club you don't really want to be part of but are glad it's there!

Cesca July 27th, 2011 03:54 PM

Re: Being new with blended families..

Originally Posted by My2miracles (Post 24483612)
Yes the club you don't really want to be part of but are glad it's there!

Yeah that! LOL

twoboys July 27th, 2011 11:22 PM

Re: Being new with blended families..
Well I wish I had found you guys 6 weeks ago!! You are all a breath of fresh air to me!! I know I have brought up a lot of feelings and serious topics, I guess I am just trying to get it all out there for you guys.. and to just be able to VENT.. ahhhhhhh to people who understand... THANK YOU!!!!

K.A.T July 28th, 2011 07:59 AM

Re: Being new with blended families..
It's great to be around people who get it.

My2miracles July 28th, 2011 08:27 AM

Re: Being new with blended families..
I remember being so relieved when I found this forum. I had been on another parenting website for years - had actually met dh there. But when I started venting about dh's oldest, I was totally blasted. I was so evil not to love an innocent child (they hadn't met my dh's oldest - nothing innocent about her).

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