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-   -   Hmmm.. again... (https://www.justmommies.com/forums/f65-blended-families/2382232-hmmm-again.html)

twoboys July 27th, 2011 12:41 PM

Hmmm.. again...
Well, I am not sure this relationship will work out, and I feel terrible.. I want it to work out, I want us to be able to get through this.. but SO is totally losing it, he is becoming angry, stressed, depressed and just impossible to live with..

When it was just Jack and me I have always been very protective over him and guarded.. his father is not involved in his life at all, and so its just me been here providing whats really important to me, and thats a SAFE and LOVING environment for him to grow in. SO and I met, we had 2 children together and I wont go into details but we had some problems in the past (from his actions) and now we are trying to make it work. I am home all day long with all the kiddos, and I keep peace.. 6 here including a sick newborn, and I chose my battles, I dont yell I talk, I explain, I respect and try to keep things in order without having to yell or scream..

Then SO gets over here from work and all hell breaks lose.. last night he completely loses it at bed time, in the middle of reading a story, closes the book, now 3 children are crying and my own childhood flashes back in my mind (I hate my father for the dick he was). And all I can think is, I have managed to keep cool all day, and you come home and lose it in a matter of a couple of hours and now MY child is subjected to his temper tantrums and its just getting worse.. I know Jack is suffering because he is changing and I HATE to see what this is doing to him..

I have tried talking/explaining how I feel and all SO says is "this is how I parent" well the person I fell in love with just seems not to exist anymore and this nasty angry person is in his place.. Now he is throwing at my I would rather leave him for the sake of "JACK" than stick it out for the sake of our bio two .. but its not that, its that I dont think its healthy for any of the children to be subjected to yelling and anger like that.. No he doesnt physically put his hands on them, but the yelling, huffing, stomping.. I hate it and I worry how it will affect OUR children. (his children were used to this behavior when he and his ex were together) and I never knew how bad he could get until his bio children with ex came to stay with us for the summer.. and instead of enjoying his children, it seems they just get on his nerves and they have now wasted a whole summer here with me stuck in the house for 8 weeks.. I feel terrible that we are not able to get out and do things..

Sorry, more venting to come I am sure.. feel free to kick me off this board!!!! :(

My2miracles July 27th, 2011 01:00 PM

Re: Hmmm.. again...
Don't every apologize for venting! That's what one of the many things this board is good for. It's a safe place to come & vent to people who understand.

I do understand about your being protective of Jake. My dd's bio dad is no longer in her life & when he was put both of us through h3ll. I'm very protective of her. Plus my dad was an emotionally abusive jerk (and still is).

Fortunately for me, my dh is the complete opposite of my ex & dad. I wish I had good advice.

AMiner86 July 27th, 2011 01:04 PM

Re: Hmmm.. again...
First, I just want to say that there is always a lot of venting on this board because blended families tend to come with a lot more stress and baggage than other families, so there's no need to feel bad for venting. I'm sure we have all struggled at one point or another so you're not alone. :hug:

Do you think that he would consider counseling? It sounds like he has a lot of anger issues and they don't tend to get better on their own. My BF and I still struggle with his "tantrums" from time to time, but I made myself quite clear and gave him two choices. He either needed to work it out on his own or get help. I told him that he could do those two things or we wouldn't work. After I gave him that ultimatum, he has made huge steps to make things better for us and the kids. He went to the doctor and gotten on a medication to help with his anger and anxiety (not that this is for everyone) and he has agreed to go to counseling with me.

If DH really cares about you and the family that they two of you have, he will make steps to change his behavior. If he doesn't want to change, I'm sorry but he's not worth your time and effort.

Good luck and I really hope things start getting better for you.

twoboys July 27th, 2011 01:15 PM

Re: Hmmm.. again...
Thank you.. He has tried the medication and that didnt work well (personally he didnt give it enough time).. He just cant seem to work it out on his own, and now I feel he is blaming Jack.. Its as if he resents Jack because Jack will ALWAYS come before him, at least while he is a child he will, and I say that because I feel I have a responsibility as a parent to provide the best living environment for him (and the other two).. and I will not compromise that..

He feels I am picking Jacks side so to speak and being controlled by my 8 yr old, but I had a SD that I had many problems with and I wont put Jack through all that.. and if its not good enough for Jack, it will not be good enough for William and Charlie.

He thinks the children will better benefit from us living together and dealing with it.. I feel its never a good thing for children to be living in a home with parents who cant get along or in a situation they dont feel safe in, its not fair for them to see both of us unhappy.

He says things will get back to "normal" when his other kiddos leave, but I dont even know what normal is right now, and already I am dreading next year.

K.A.T July 27th, 2011 01:25 PM

Re: Hmmm.. again...
:dothug: I too was going to suggest counseling. I truly feel that group counseling would be a good thing for all of you. If you guys don't get everything out there, in front of a non biased person, you most likely will end up splitting up. And I don't think you want that deep down. Right now you're extremely stressed out and shouldn't be making those kinds of decisions under these circumstances. I hope you guys can find that peace that everyone needs.

twoboys July 27th, 2011 02:17 PM

Re: Hmmm.. again...
I am all for counselling, bio mom has a fit though and wont agree to her children being a part of any therapy at all, and HECK they need it the most...

My2miracles July 27th, 2011 02:22 PM

Re: Hmmm.. again...
Does your dh have joint custody? If so I believe he can take them to counseling without bio mom's permission. In my dh's case, he has the legal right to make medical decisions when they are in his care. You may want to check it out!

K.A.T July 27th, 2011 02:47 PM

Re: Hmmm.. again...

Originally Posted by twoboys (Post 24483519)
I am all for counselling, bio mom has a fit though and wont agree to her children being a part of any therapy at all, and HECK they need it the most...

This is a case of F her! While the kids are at your house your SO can take them to see whichever doctor he so chooses. If your family needs family counseling then they need it and she can ***** and moan all she wants. Once a judge hears something like that they will quickly tell her its in the best interest of the kids and it should and must be done.

AMiner86 July 27th, 2011 04:18 PM

Re: Hmmm.. again...
Exactly! If your SO wants to take them to counseling, then he can take them to counseling! He's their parent too and it sounds to me like all of you need to sit down as a group together. If he absolutely doesn't feel like his kids can join in, he should at the very least go by himself or with the rest of the family if that is possible.

twoboys July 27th, 2011 11:08 PM

Re: Hmmm.. again...
Thank you!! Thats whats so frustrating, he talks about it but doesnt do it!! His children need therapy really badly, especially the eldest.. and I am not being mean, I love him to bits, and I want him to be happy but he is SO sad.. and disturbed, I talked about this the first week they arrived and now here we are 2 weeks away from them going back and he just never followed through with the therapy..

His son is 9 and only lost one tooth, he has two rows of teeth now, his baby teeth and big teeth, well on his bottom teeth, and I told him to take him to the dentist.. Its NOT right and my god he needs to be seen.. bm was supposed to have them go to the dentist here, but then she cancelled.. I sometimes want to shake SO and make him get up and take them to therapy and the dentist.. Yes, we do need family/group therapy, and if we make it till next year, you bet your azz I will have Jack talk to the school counselor so he has an outlet for himself, because this has been hard on him too...

But his oldest is lost, his eyes are vacant, and I hate that I cant do anything myself.. I really try to work with him during the day, but I dont want to step over my boundaries.. I dont want to cause him anymore trouble and its already hard for him to open up..

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