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AMiner86 August 2nd, 2011 04:55 PM

Really need to vent!
So this week my DSS's BM tells my BF that she is planning to enroll him in school in her district after my BF has already told her that we have him all set to go to school in our district. He will be able to catch the bus in front of our house, he has already met his teachers, principal, etc... at this school and is excited to go there. Not to mention the fact that, by her own choice, she only keeps him every other weekend and will occasionally keep him an extra night or two and he will come home on a Monday or Tuesday. She showed no interest in preschool or anything else for that matter, but now all of a sudden she decides she wants to play "mom" and decide where he goes to school. We only have one vehicle at the moment and my BF works two jobs so there's no way for us to take him back and forth to that school every day. It's just not going to be possible for us and I don't think we should have to. The school here is a perfectly good school and he is able to ride the bus from our house, plus my mom lives five minutes away and if and when I decide to go back to work, if my BF and I are both at work, my mom can pop over in time to get him off the bus at our house. Also, I'm afraid that once she enrolls him in school, she's going to want to take over and then I'll hardly get to see him. I've raised this boy for the past three years, since he was 2, when his mom wanted nothing to do with him and now all of a sudden she wants to step in and rip him away from us? It's great for Meyson that she does want to be more a part of her life, I just hate the way that she is going about it. I'm devestated and I'm constantly holding back tears throughout the day. My BF and I have been fighting nonstop about this because I feel like he is partly to blame. Something should have been either taken to court or at least put in writing a loooooong time ago so that we wouldn't be in this mess, but instead he decided to sit back all this time and do nothing to stop her from doing this. It's like a lose a little more respect for him every day for letting his son slip away from him and I honestly can't decide on whether or not I want to stilll be with him at this point. Less than a month ago, we were talking wedding and TTC and now I can barely stand to look at him.

Sorry for all the rambling, I just really needed to vent. Between the stress of this and a ton of other things going on with us, I'm actually starting to physically ill from the stress. I'm constantly getting stress headaches and I'm always feeling like I could throw up at any time.

Doodlebug06 August 2nd, 2011 06:07 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
Wow. I remember reading something about this a while back.
It really really sucks that bm is doing it this way. But I honestly hope she is actually going to step up and do what she's supposed to.
You should probably disengage a bit from the whole thing
I take it your not even actually married to the dad at this point?
I understand you have been dedicated to this child and lucky for him youve been there.
But the bottom line is this situation is that it doesn't look like dad will do any court stuff and you can't really force him.
I'd just be asking myself if this is the kind of guy you want to marry and have your own kids with. :(
Trust me I'm wondering this myself why I didn't think things through like this before marrying dh and getting pregnant with him.
I have SERIOUS disagreements about how dh parents his bios. Those are things I should've given a lot more thought to before.

Think of it this way, if your bf doesn't care enough about his son to do what's right by him, will he do what's right by your kids together if something bad or major happens?

K.A.T August 2nd, 2011 06:11 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
*hugs* I'm sorry it's so stressful. Refresh my memory here, who has physical custody? Meaning with court papers and such. If it's you're BF, he has a good fight in sending him to the school you guys already enrolled him in. If there is nothing in writing, then I really don't know what can be done without a lengthy court battle.

AMiner86 August 3rd, 2011 08:44 AM

Re: Really need to vent!
When they divorced, they just used some generic online custody and parenting agreement, so there aren't a whole lot of specifics laid out in writing. It says that they co-parent and has a schedule drawn up to when each of them is suppposed to keep him. That schedule hasn't been followed in almost 3 years, instead of of 50%, 85% is more realistic to how much we have him. The only thing that I'm hoping is on our side is the fact that she gave up all copies she had of her son's documents like his birth certificate, social security card, etc... I know that she can file for a duplicate, but school starts with in a couple weeks and I don't think she'll be able to get that done in time.

What is really getting at me is her reason for wanting to choose the school. She wants him to be in the school in her district just in case she would want to pick him up and it would just be too far of a drive for her. I would be more understanding if her reason was that she wants to play a more active role, not that she's too lazy to drive an extra 20 min. I'm also afraid that she wants to take over and get the custody changed so that she can get child support. She's already tried to use him to commit welfare fraud, I wouldn't put it past her to come up with this scheme to try to squeeze some money out of my BF.

My2miracles August 3rd, 2011 12:39 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
Ugh so frustrating!!!! I hate when the bio mom does something just to be difficult. Just dealt with that myself last week.

I don't agree that you should step back. From what I remember (correct me if I'm wrong), you are the primary caregiver to this child - it's irrelevant whether your married to the dad or not.

And I wouldn't even begin to say that your BF doesn't care enough about his kid because he doesn't want to go to court. Dh & I had a long talk about that last week when his ex was acting up. He is just so tired of fighting with her. He doesn't want to fight anymore & he doesn't want to drag dsd into it either. She's now 12 & bio mom is known for not only sharing adult information but creating lies. He loves his kids more than life itself & what's going on breaks his heart. He is a great dad to our bio kid & I couldn't have asked for anyone better than him to adopt my dd.

Unfortunately things aren't black & white.

AMiner86 August 3rd, 2011 02:40 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
Yes Kris, you are right. I've been the primary caregiver to him since shortly after my BF and I started dating. When we found out that I was pregnant, he really wanted me to stay home, not only for our child together but for his son as well. BM loved this because that gave her a free babysitter. That's when she started wanting him less and would continue to ask us to keep him more. Even during the times when I went back to work, it was *MY* mom that babysat so again, I was the one who found childcare. I was also the one who enrolled him in preschool, the one who keeps track of all his appointments, practices writing, counting, colors and everything else he needs to know before Kindergarten. Anytime it gets too tough for BM, she calls my BF and demands that he pick his kid up. I have never once ditched him because he was difficult, and believe me, he is by no means an easy child to get along with. He shows signs of ADHD and I have been doing everything in my power to make it so that he doesn't get put on meds. Not that there's anything wrong with meds if it's necessary, but I believe that learning techniques and medication alternatives should be used first and that too many kids are getting pills shoved down their throats to shut them up. I have put my heart and soul as well as some blood, sweat, and tears into Meyson and she wants to swoop in and turn his entire world upside down. I really don't believe that she has good intentions and I just wish for once, she would look at what's best for Meyson.

I'm not really frustrated with my BF for not wanting to go to court, it's more the fact that he sat back for so long without having some sort of plan in mind for if she were to want to sign him up for school herself. I've been telling him all summer that I have a feeling that she's up to something and he's ignored me. I don't think he's a bad dad, I just wish he would be less naive to the intentions of others. He's had this "she'll eventually just leave us alone" attitude and I just want him to wake up and sometimes I would love to hit him in the head with something to snap him back into reality. We actually did sit down and have a talk about this last night (without fighting :cheer:) and he's talking about, at the very least, seeking the advice of an attorney and going from there.

Doodlebug06 August 3rd, 2011 02:40 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
Sorry. When I said maybe step back a bit. I mean for your own sanity.
You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out or understand the logic behind bm's madness.

The bottom line is, IF the DAD doesn't deep up and do something here, you can't control the situation. It's sad for the child though bc he's used to having you as his PCG.

I seem to remember you posting about this a while back and dad want willing to seek court approval to get custody etc.
School starts in a week.(or about). If their was going to be court involvement it should have happened before when you guys first found out she planned to enroll in her district.
You won't get help quick enough from court now even if you filed today.

From what you said about bm, my bet is that she tires quickly of doing the "school thing" with the child and will either start leaving him w u guys again or his grades will suffer.

In either case you would then have the right to transfer him to your school.
She would be stupid to fight that bc either thing is not going in her favor in front of a judge.

I didn't mean to down your bf. But it sounds to me (including your last post) that YOU are the more concerned one about his child than him.
It's great that you care so much and again I'll say the child is VERY lucky to have you in his life. But his dad has to make a move to keep bm from doing all this if HE chooses.

I think regardless of what school he is in, you guys need to get the parenting plan clarified more in court. You have a long time ahead with this bm. The longer dad waits to go to court, the worse it will be.
It's easier to do these things when the kids are younger.
As the other poster mention not wanting their 12 year old in the middle, unfortunately when the kids are older, they usually get pulled in the middle.

AMiner86 August 3rd, 2011 02:47 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
She just declared her plans to enroll him this past week. It's never been definite until now, I just had a feeling that she wanted to or already did. Apparently, she hasn't enrolled him yet because she recently asked my BF for Meyson's birth certificate. My BF refused, but she can always file for a copy. I'm just hoping that she isn't able to get everything together by the time school starts.

K.A.T August 3rd, 2011 02:51 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
Yes, dad needs to make the move, but it's obvious that he needs to pushed along the way.

I'm glad you guys talked without fighting and that he's willing to seek legal advice. I honestly believe that is the best thing to do. From what I've read, it appears that your bf has the upper hand in this one and I don't see why he should give in to enrolling him in another school.

Doodlebug06 August 3rd, 2011 02:52 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
I think getting advice from an attorney is a great idea.

And you mentioned he may have ADHD?
I'm sure you already know that stability and structure are going to be key to his success. Bm isn't providing that. He really needs continued structure.

You should check with the law library in your county see if they have legal resource available. The county we were in when we lived in Tx, actually had a free legal phone line. It was for certain days of the week though. You were able to get free legal advice from attorneys. Maybe your county has that?

Doodlebug06 August 3rd, 2011 02:58 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
Have you already enrolled him in your district?

Our educational decision of what school they attend is based on who has "primary" custody. Why don't you look into what criteria your school board goes by.
Who has him physically now? If school board is on your side and you guys can legally enroll him in your district, I'd say do it. And have him start at your house.
If she doesn't like it , let her file in court. Then sh should be able to just show up and explain what's happened all this time.

AMiner86 August 3rd, 2011 03:21 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
He's never been diagnosed, but he does show signs of ADHD from what I've read. He does so well with the schedule we have and even though I've had to push this concept on my BF, he's finally been able to see the benefit. When Meyson has no structure, he will eventually go into a meltdown mode and not only is it hard on him, it's hard on everyone in the house.

He is enrolled in our district. We took him around the end of the last school year to go through screening and had a meeting with his teacher, nurse, and principal afterwards to officially enroll him, so he is all set to start school here. All that we have to do at this point is put him on the bus on the first day (although I will probably drive him the first day or two until he gets used to things).

We do have a phone service offering legal advice, but my BF happens to be lucky enough to know an attorney who is willing to offer her advice at no charge. If and when we would have to go to court, fees would be discussed, but just for her advice, she isn't going to charge.

Doodlebug06 August 3rd, 2011 05:14 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
I honestly think if you physically have him now, I'd keep him until school starts and just send him. Dh needs to just TELL bm that dss will be going to his district bc he is mostly at his house. And just tell her that the judge will likely rule in favor of what the child has already gotten used to. (I'm sure ur attny will give good advice on that and on dh's chances)

But seriously if you guys already have him ready to go , I'd tell her to get off of it.
She can pick him up from your house after school.
After all u have said , bm has very little chance of getting her way in court. How soon will dh talk to the attny? It's good to have all ur info ready before he talks to bm to "demand" dss go to dads district.

One more thing. My ds9 had some issues early on that I thought were ADHD related. His therapist told me that if he was, he would likely be diagnosed after he was in school a year or two based on various factors.
Maybe once your dss gets in school , you might be able to get more answers on if he has ADHD or anything else going on. Poor guy. It may just be due to issues regarding his bm.

AMiner86 August 3rd, 2011 05:38 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
He's supposed to call the attorney tomorrow. He's been working late all week and hasn't had a chance, but tomorrow is a training day and he'll be off work earlier enough to either call or drop by her office.

We did talk to his preschool teachers and the school nurse during our post-screening meeting about the possibility of ADHD and they said the same thing about after being in school, it would be easier to tell. Just one more reason, why I'm completely against putting him on meds at this point. BM is so quick for easy solutions and wanted to put him on meds a long time ago, even before preschool. Luckily she got bored with that idea fairly quickly.

Doodlebug06 August 4th, 2011 07:22 AM

Re: Really need to vent!
Well it sounds like you are on top of everything.
I agree on the meds. Too many get on them without need.
Even if he is ADHD it doesn't mean he HAS to be on meds.
KUP when dh sees the attorney. I hope he gets some promising advice that he can use to push bm into leaving dss in your district.

AMiner86 August 4th, 2011 09:30 PM

Re: Really need to vent!
So he called the attorney's office today, but she was with a client and he was unable to speak with her. He's waiting on a call back and may have gotten one while he was at work, because when he checked his phone, he had a missed call from an unknown number, which might have been the attorney's office calling back. He's going to call again tomorrow and hopefully he gets through this time.

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